Honestly, it’s been a weird few weeks. Afterthatnight – my thirtieth – I woke up with the worst hangover I’d ever had, and a terrible case of the paranoias.
Except, it’s not paranoia if you really have ruined everything, is it? Everything about the night before was hazy but I knew a lot of bad shit had gone down. It took me a full hour to evenlook at my phone, knowing the awfulness that would be waiting for me.
There were, predictably, a string of WhatsApps from Eva asking if I wasOKand to come into her room when I was awake. There was also a 3 a.m. message from Slutty Sarah asking where I was. Another one was from Amelia asking why I kept barking like a dog at her. There were also a few missed calls and voicemails from Markand my sister Hannah. And – most horrifyingly – an awkward couple of emails from my boss, Tony.
Ex-boss, I should say.
I can’t even think about it, it’s too mortifying.
So, being the adult I am, I hid in my room for another four hours straight, before I finally rang my brother back. I asked after our stepdad, Steven, and I knew it was bad because he was actually really nice to me.He told me not to worry about anything and just get some food in my belly. He carefully mentioned that he’d booked his flight to Australia to see Mum and Steven, and that he was stable for now, but he didn’t ask if I wanted to go with him. Thankfully.
I know it sounds heartless, but I couldn’t face any of it, it’s too much.
Then I crossed the hall and got into bed with Eva, where shejust stroked my head and asked if I wanted her to putSaturday Night Takeawayon from the planner, so I could watch ‘Anton Du Beke’ – which is what she thinks Ant and Dec are called. She also thinks they’re brothers, but so does everyone, right?
Eva is so clever in lots of ways – she’s a corporate lawyer and she went to one of the best universities in the country – but she’s also the dumbestperson I know. Her family are super rich and she grew up in the poshest area of Surrey, where there aresix-foot metal gates and golf courses everywhere. She didn’t get drunk or even watch any telly until she was about eighteen because she was too busy riding horses, hanging out with princes, and, like, learning the rules to water polo (I don’t know? What do rich people do with their time?). She’snot an arsehole about it though, she’s really generous and lovely. She’s just sheltered, y’know? And it meant when we met at work – agedtwenty-two – I got to corrupt her.
We watched telly together in bed like that for ages, while I wondered what the hell I was going to do with my life. I’d lost my job, I had to move out, and ... well, all the Mum and Steven stuff I couldn’t even letmyself think about. I was feeling so weird and alone and confused,absent-mindedly scrolling through my apps – and then I found the note on my phone.
It was addressed to ‘Future Alice from Drunk Alice’, which I must’ve written when I was in the taxi, crying all the way home.
It was long and incoherent, but it was actually super wise – if you discount all the messy typos and segues intoFriendsepisode critiques. Basically, Drunk Alice was telling Future Alice that her awful night needed to be awake-up call; that it was time to change her/my life. I couldn’t keep bumbling through, waiting for stuff to happen. I needed to figure out what I was going to do, find my own path without relying on Eva and Mark – and stop messing around withTD. I had to find my own answers and changeeverything. Throw my life up in the air and see where it landed.
The important part went like this:
It is timed to figgure ooutWHO YOU Rand alsoFIND TE FUN.When was the last time you had fun??? When did you last let yourself have an adventure? You are so stuck in this rut, pretending to be happy – but are you actually happy? What is happiness to you anyway? Is this everythingexistence has to offer? Shouldn’t you be asking for more? Wat r u actuallyDOING WITHyour life?? No friends, no job, no boyf, ducked up family. You need to change everything. start agin. Go travelllin!! Go and run around for a year like Forrrest Gump (might get free trainers?????? Get more followers on socel media??? Can I post on Instagrm and run at same time???). You could Climb a mountain!Sale around the world inTEN DAYS???? Is that posibl? Buy drugs, take drugs. Hve sex withLOTSmore people or like lits anyone. U need 2 be more lik constance. Go find the joy.
INSPIRATION BRainstorme:
-BARE GRYLLS
-DAVID ATTENBRUH
-BLOGGER CONSTANCE BEAUMONT
-BUY DRY SHAMPOO AND ALSO BREAD BECOS YOU NEED BREAD
MOOD BOARD:
-dchbjvdhhvdwch
Whichis when I think I must’ve fallen asleep in the taxi.
It was mostly silly nonsense, but, bizarre as it sounds, I was inspired by Drunk Alice’s enthusiasm. She gets me in a lot of trouble but I know she only wants the best for me. And I knew she was right. I had to change things. Of course I did. Everyone else around me was moving on, having babies, getting married; ticking off the life goalsyou’re supposed to. Why was I the only one who hadn’t figured things out yet? Don’t I deserve to be happy? Happiness comes so easily to everyone else, why haven’t I pinned it down yet? And, knowing how unhappy I am, why have I been so set on staying in this one place; so determined nothing can ever change? It was time to choose something else. And either way, I couldn’t stay there, getting leftfurther and further behind.
I spent that whole next day thinking and thinking. I thought about everything that was going on, and everything hanging over me. I thought about the rut I was being forced out of by other people changing their lives around me. I thought about how it was time to take control of my own life.
And so I went online and I booked my flights toLA. It was an impulsedecision but for the first time in ages, I feltexcitedabout my life. Everything seemed clearer and more hopeful. I even deleted Facebook! Well, I mean I didn’tdeleteit because I’m not a fucking idiot, but I’m not really looking at it that much any more. I’ve started a blog onAWOL.com instead, so I can be like those cool chicks online, being spontaneous and happy.
I’m evolving, you guys.
So yes, coming toLAis the first leg in athree-part plan for changing my life.
Firstly: fun. I plan on spending my time here laughing and having as many silly adventures as possible. I want to sunbathe and party and chase celebrities around in circles – it will be as shallow and mindless as possible. I want to find the joy here; that’s the plan for this section of my trip.
Aftersome mindlessness inLA, I’ll give the mindFULness thing a go, with a month in Asia. There will be hostels and backpacking, because that’s how a person finds themselves, right? By not showering for a month and crying themselves to sleep on a cement mattress?
After that, I’m going to take a third, spontaneous adventure somewhere else. I haven’t decided on that bit yet. Maybe I’ll get on a sailboatfor a month. Maybe I’ll climb a mountain. Maybe I’ll become a scuba diving instructor. I’m leaving it up to fate to decide where I end up for the third part of this trip.
