He raises his voice. ‘Alice,stop it, for God’s sake. You’re not actually upset I spoke to your best friend about this, you’re just trying to distract me and yourself from what I’m saying. You don’t want to hear it, so you’re making a fuss over something that isn’t important.’
He’s wrong.
He continues. ‘You need to get over yourself, Alice, because this is tearing a lot of people apart. You’ve put me and Hannah inthe middle of things for years and we’re both sick of it.’
Inasty-laugh, ‘You didn’t have to be in the middle of this, Mark, I never asked you to mediate. In fact, I’ve asked you not to, many times. I have only ever asked you to stay the hell out of this. It’s between Mum and me. You made a choice and I want ...’
‘Stop making this all about you,’ he snaps.
‘Stop making it not allabout me,’ I snap back.
We glare at each other for half a second, panting furiously.
‘So that’s it, is it?’ he says, anger in his voice. ‘No discussion, no compromise. You’re just never going to be a part of this family again? What if Steven dies? Will you still refuse to speak to Mum? Or is that what you’re hoping for? The bad man dies and you get to play happy families again? It’s allso black and white with you, isn’t it, Alice? You can’t see any nuance. You can’t see that Mum has been torn apart all these years, trying to care for an alcoholic idiot she loves – and a stubborn idiot she loves.’ He means me.
‘Don’t you dare compare me with him,’ I say, my voice low and threatening.
‘But you’re both forcing Mum to choose, aren’t you?’ he spits back. ‘Both demanding somethingfrom her that you know she can’t give. Yes, fine, our mother is a weak woman and she should’ve thrown him out years ago, but she feels like she can’t. She truly believes he needs her and that she can save him. And maybe she can. Maybe she has. We both know he would’ve been dead years ago without her.’ He pauses while that sinks in before continuing. ‘You know this is not a simple situationwith a simple solution. There’s no one answer. He’s not all bad, Alice, you know that. He’s just messed up, and Mum sees that. She wants to help him. And instead of loving her despite her weakness, and supporting her in whatever way you can, you’ve spent years punishing her.’ He pauses to breathe heavily. ‘She can’t help the way she is. People are weak, Alice, you can’t expect them all to be stronglike you.’
‘I won’t be pushed into having someone in my life!’ I explode and I am so mad. ‘You don’t get to dictate when and how I deal with things, Mark. I’m not ready. You’re always telling me what to do, always bossing me around! You turned up over here, uninvited, crashing my trip. You made me change my plans and do everything your way. I was meant to be doing all this on my own, meantto be figuring things out for myself, but here you are, taking over and telling me what to do, as ever. And here I am – following you around like a lost fucking puppy, yet again. But not with this, Mark, you can’t make me get over this thing with Mum by shouting at me.’ I feel the bile in my throat as I add, ‘Stop telling me what to do with my life, Mark, and hey, why not actually get a life foryourself? You say I’m limping through my life, but at least I have things to limp through. Your life is empty as fuck.’
A flash of pain crosses his face. We stare at each other again and something in me sinks. I’ve never seen him look so wounded. ‘Great, fine,OK,’ he snaps at last. ‘Well, I’ll leave then. Since I am not wanted here and never was. I was planning to go back to Australia soonanyway, so Joe and I will just go now. We’ll let you have this time all on your own, like you wanted all along. I’ll let youfind yourself. Let’s just hope you actually like the person you find in there after all this, eh? Because you’re going to be all on your own with her.’ His voice is mocking as he storms out. ‘Have fun, Alice.’
He is gone, door slamming behind him and I collapse backon the bed. I didn’t even realise I’d stood up at some point during the fight.
I am breathing hard, furious. Shit shit shit. Fuck him! I don’t need Mark here. I’m glad he’s going. I can finally get back to doing what I wanted to do all along. I don’t need him here talking horseshit and trying to make me feel bad about how I’m living my life. I don’t push people away! I’m not black and white!I know things with my mum are complicated, but why can’t he see how complicated it is on my side, too? He hasn’t got the first idea what he’s talking about, he doesn’t know how badly she let me down. He clearly doesn’t know me at all. I’m glad he’s leaving – I can’t wait to get back to my travels on my own, just like I wanted. There are plenty of people who go about here alone.
I wanted this.It’s fine. It’s good.
Through the wall I hear Mark’s raised angry voice telling Joe to pack up his stuff.
I roll over on the bed and cry because it seems like the right thing to do.
