Alice Edwards
Replying to Sarah Sommers
|You are more than this caricature, Sarah. I’m not doing the Slutty thing any more, it makes me uncomfortable. I love you, but no.
We are all crying, weeping into each other’s armpits. Every time we try to break away from the group hug, one of us starts again, and we all lose it and pile back in.
It’sbeen a very emotional few days.
Craig – because of course it is Craig and I am ashamed of myself for mocking his confusing pronunciation – is the worst of us. He has criednon-stop this whole week.
‘I’ve had my Mike O’Donnell moment,’ he keeps saying, before expanding: ‘I know what’s important now. I’ve got to stop living in the past and chasing my glory days. My glory days are ahead ofme if I can only let them be.’ It’s super wise.
He says he’s going back to Austin to beg hisex-wife to take him back. He wants to say sorry for everything he did, and I can confirm, he did do some shitty things, which we have discussed in intricate, awkward detail. He wants to fix things between them. But if she won’t have him back, he has promised me he will respect her decision and lether live her life. Because it is my pet peeve how we teach men not to listen when a woman says no. Persistence is not romantic. If you’ve had an emphatic no – in whatever scenario –BELIEVE HER.
And it’s OK because Craig has aback-up plan. He says if his wife isn’t interested, he’s going to try to woo Leslie Mann because she was ‘really great in17 Again’. I told him she’s married to a filmproducer but he didn’t really understand and asked if a ‘Juddapatow’ was anything like Ayahuasca. I have also recommended he check outFreaky Friday, which he has apparently never seen, despite there being seven hundred different versions out there.
Anna and Marie surprised the group by announcing they’ve decided to go their separate ways. It was quite the shocker – they seemed so simpatico– but they have talked a lot and decided it is unfair to Anna’s wife to continue without her knowing. The guilt they’ve been burying for so long has been exposed, and it is too raw, too much for them. Anna is going to tell her wife the truth and see what happens from there. I am sad for them and proud of them, and I very much hope it works out, however it’s meant to.
Clara is joyous, cryingwith relief. She isn’t going home to change her life like the others. She’s already done that. The retreat has given her what she came for – confirmation that she isOK. That she has done the right thing. That she is great just as she is, and strong enough to survive everything she’s going through. She is excited about her life once more. She’s staying in Thailand for another few weeks, like me,but then she wants to get back to Denmark and she wants to hug everyone she loves. Which now includes all of us. I’ve talked to her about the possibility of me visiting Denmark for my third adventure. She’s very keen. I think it could be great.
Joe has been bouncing off the walls. He says he’s never had so much energy in his life. He saw Gods, he says – many of them. He keeps touching thewalls and talking about unicorns. Honestly, I think he might’ve taken something else, along with the Ayahuasca. He says he wants to do it all again, right now. He is the only one though, because the rest of us are all fully broken apart. We’ve told him he has to wait, and he says he never wants to wait for anything again in his life. He wants to try it all and is impatient for all of life to happennow. He keeps looking at Mark while he talks at speed, and I wonder ...
We have all talked and talked and talked.
Everyone, apart from Mark. Mark has been quiet. He has been involved, encouraging and warm, but quiet about his own stuff.
As have I, actually. I talked a bit about my experience with the blue light and the colours, but I didn’t want to share all I’d seen with my mumand Steven. Especially not with Mark there. I don’t know what he’d think. I don’t know whatIthink. I’ve been slowly processing everything. It is overwhelming, and something is unravelling inside me. Something big. But I don’t feel ready for it yet. I don’t want it to unravel yet, I’m a little afraid that it’s the only thing holding me together.
When the lot of us finally go our separateways, all cried out, Mark, Joe and I trudge slowly and silently towards our bus stop. We are heading to a homestay in Koh Chang. I want to check out the night markets, because apparently they sell frozen frogs and roasted scorpion. There is also, I’m told – and this is far more exciting a prospect – Jacob’s Creek wine available. Then we’re going to get a car to the airport where we will flyto northern Thailand, where I want to do some relaxing things. I want to take boat trips. I want to scuba dive, and I want to scream in pain when I inevitably scrape my knee on coral.
I want to stare at some things and process.
The bus pulls up and we climb on board in single file. Mark sits next to me and Joe slumps down in the seats behind us, closing his eyes. He seems to be crashinghard. It is the most zapped I’ve ever seen him; he’s usuallypuppy-levels of energy at all times.
I am exhausted too. It feels like I’ve never been this tired. I want to sleep for a day. I want to ...
‘Come on then,’ Mark says suddenly, interrupting my thoughts. He is looking at me intently. He looks, um, angry.
‘What is it?’ I say, feeling defensive. ‘Are you cross with me?’
‘Should I be?’ he says, cryptically.
‘No!’ I reply, my voice raised. ‘Well, I don’t know, should you?’
There is silence between us and I crack first. ‘Look, Mark, I’m sorry, I’m really sorry you’ve been feeling so awful. I didn’t know. I wish you had talked to me ...’
‘How was I meant to talk to you, Alice?’ he says and it pierces something deep in me. ‘You’ve refused to talk. Everytime I’ve mentioned Mum or Steven – every time I’ve just asked to talk – you’ve run off or changed the subject. You literally left the country to avoid talking about it. You’ve left me and Hannah to deal with all of this on our own.’
I sigh. ‘OK, yes, some of that is true, but it’s only partly fair. Me leaving theUKwas about way more than just ...that. And you kept pushing me to talkabout Ste ... about him, when you knew full well I didn’t want to. I didn’t have any idea that you needed to talk about the situation. I would’ve tri—’
‘Did you ask?’ he interrupts, and his voice is raised.
I hang my head. ‘No, I didn’t.’
He shakes his head. ‘I know you didn’t mean to be, but you’ve been really selfish, Alice. Running away, hiding, no thought for anyone else.’
‘I know that,’ I say, but I feel combative. ‘But you could’ve told me you needed me. You didn’t have to hide it from me. You never share anything with me, and I want you to, you know I do. If you’d just told me you were miserable, I would’ve tried to help. I would’ve – would – do anything for you. You just need to ask me, Mark.’
