He continues. ‘And sure, Steven wasn’t – isn’t – a very good guy at times, but he was also the only dad I ever knew. So what do I do with that? He’s my dad. And on top of that, my mum is a wreck, which makes me a wreck, and ... I don’t know how to feel.’
He breaks off, and I stare at his hands, clenching and unclenching. ‘I am struggling. I am really struggling,’ he continues at last. ‘But I also don’t feel like I’m allowed to struggle, because my mum needs me. Everyone needs something from me, and I have to be strong. I’m tired and sad. And probably the worst part is the way my closest, best friend – the one personwho should get what I’m going through – won’t talk to me about what is happening.’
He looks directly at me again and I swallow hard.
His voice is shaky as he continues, ‘I feel like I’m in limbo. And I can’t cry. I want to know how to grieve for someone I hate a lot of the time but also love. Someone I’ve had to love. Someone who has needed my love so much, but has never deserved it. Iwant to learn to forget but also remember. Life is too hard, I need something and I don’t know what.’
I haven’t seen Mark like this before and I glance down to see my hands are shaking. He continues in a rush, his eyes dark. ‘I am sad and I feel like I have been sad for a long time. Probably before this happened to Steven. And I don’t know how to not be sad any more. I hope this retreat helpsme. I feel like I need help ...’
Joe stands back up, placing an arm on Mark’s shoulder. I reach across in thesemi-darkness, but my brother sits down instead of taking my hand. Someone gives him the bottle of green liquid and he takes a long, hard drink.
He stares off into the distance, studiously ignoring me. I sit there, feeling cold and afraid, and furiously wipe away the tear makingits way down my face.
