His voice is raised as he adds, ‘Mike O’Donnell, played by iconic actor Zac Efron and Matthew Perry in two thousand andnine?’
Is he ... is he talking about ...
‘17AGAIN?’ he shouts.
Clara sounds a little strangled as she asks, ‘The comedybody-swap movie thing?’ Craig/Greg stands up, incensed.
‘It is more than a “body-swap moviething”!’ He seems genuinely outraged. ‘It’s about the choices we make and the regret we feel as we get older. It is groundbreaking, it isSEMINAL.’ He is red in theface and I try not to burst out laughing.
To be fair, it is a great film, and from what I remember, Zac takes his top off a few times, so I am on board.
Gary clears his throat as Craig/Greg throws his hands up in the air. ‘Um, thanks for sharing man, I’m sorry about the divorce. I hope this retreat gives you what you need. I truly hope this is your17 Againmoment.’
Craig/Greg nodsself-importantly as he sits down. ‘Thanks man. You justget me, Shaman Quam.’
Crisis averted, Clara stands up next. ‘Well, I’m actually here for some of the same reason ...’ Catching Craig/Greg’s eye, she adds quickly, ‘Not the17 Againthing. I mean I’m going through a divorce, too.’ There is a slightly judgy silence around the circle as we all calculate how young she is. She cannot be morethanmid-twenties, almost certainly younger. Sensing the mood, she stands taller, raising her chin. ‘I know what you’re all thinking, and yes, I am onlytwenty-three. It is young to be married, never mind divorcing, I’m well aware of that. But I don’t need to justify my choices to you. I truly believed he was my soulmate, I really did. And I’ve had months of people making me feel like a foolishlittle child, so I don’t need it here, too. I made a mistake, but life is full of mistakes, and I’m trying to believe I’ve been brave walking away from something I knew was wrong. I could’ve wasted twenty years on the wrong man. Instead I’m out here, travelling the world and figuring out who I am on my own again.’
I give her a tight nod. Good for you, Clara. Her brave face falters for a second,and she adds, ‘But I am a little lost. I don’t know what happens next, I don’t know how to be sure, and I could really do with finding some clarity. I’ve tried a few different things ...’ she makes eye contact with me ‘... and nothing has helped so far.’ Anna, beside her, reaches up and gives her a reassuring pat. Clara smiles at her gratefully before taking her seat.
Anna and Marie standup together simultaneously and then laugh at their mirroring. These two are so in sync, I feel like they spend their whole days giggling and copying each other.
Anna begins slowly. ‘We are Anna and Maria. I amseventy-seven and Maria iseighty-one. We have never done anything like this before!’ She falls silent and Gary calls across the circle, encouragingly, ‘Tell us about yourselves, thepair of you.’
Anna nods at Maria and her partner picks up the thread. ‘We have been lovers for ten years ...’
‘But ...’ Anna interrupts, sounding sad, ‘I am married to someone else.’
‘I am Anna’s mistress,’ says Maria, a weird sort of pride in her voice. ‘We spend time together whenever we can but this is ourfirst-ever trip away.’
The circle is thick with judgement again –but, I would swear it was wayjudge-ier for Clara’s divorce confession. People’s standards for women continue to surprise me – cheating on a partner is apparently not so bad as making the wrong choices when you’re young. Interesting.
‘My wife doesn’t know about Maria,’ Anna adds, sounding slightly regretful. ‘But we have been much happier in the last ten years, since Maria has been in my life.My wife and I were unkind to each other before, and now we love each other again.’
‘I have helped,’ Maria confirms.
‘Love is complicated,’ Anna sighs.
This much I can certainly agree with.
The pair sit down slowly and the group turn to me. I don’t even stand up.
‘Honestly, I don’t really know why I’m here,’ I say after a moment. ‘It was my brother’s idea.’ I shoot him anotherdirty look. ‘But everything kind of imploded in my life, at home in London. I turned thirty, I lost my job and my home and my best friend. And ... some other stuff happened with my family. I’m trying to figure out what I want from life and what to do next.’
I trail off and Clara smiles nicely at me. I blink a few times and turn away. I feel oddly emotional, sharing even only that much withthese strangers.
Joe stands next, looking excited. ‘I’m on a voyage ofself-discovery,’ he pronounces, proudly. ‘My life is great and fulfilling in lots of ways, but I want to be brave and I want to see new things. I want to ask the universe some questions about myself and about others. I want to be open to everything in my life, I want to find the strength totry.’
He glances down atMark, and for a moment I think ... maybe. Maybe ...?
Mark stands up abruptly and Joe closes his mouth, taking his seat.
My brother takes a minute to start talking and when he does, he speaks quickly and robotically.
‘I’m here because I’m really, truly miserable,’ he says, and suddenly he looks it.
He is?
‘It’s been a rough couple of months,’ he goes on. ‘My stepdad recentlyhad a major stroke. It was sudden, but not wholly unexpected. He’d been ... ill for a long time.’ He makes eye contact with me. ‘He’s still in hospital, and we don’t know what’s going to happen to him. Either he’s going to die or he’s going to come out of this and be a vegetable for the rest of his life. Maybe I want him to die, maybe I want him to beOK, I don’t know. Maybe I even want himto suffer. He made all of us suffer a lot over the years. He even drove some of us apart ...’ His fists are in balls at his side and I feel very cold all at once.
