Joe and I giggle, and a man in hismid-fifties within earshot shuffles closer in the row of plastic seats. ‘You guys here for the Ayahuasca retreat?’ he says in a Texan accent.
‘Yep,’ I confirm, eyeing his big hat. Seems a bit of a Texan cliché, but who am I to judge.
‘I’m darnedexcited,’ he says loudly. ‘I was gon’ go to Peru, but this was cheaper and seemed a little more – how do I put it? –laid back. Plus, I could fit it in around my latest business trip to Bangkok.’ When he says the words ‘business trip’ he winks at Joe and Mark. Mark openly grimaces and Joe looks confused, but the Texan continues oblivious. ‘I think Shaman Quam is the real deal, too. He has, y’know,that transcendental energy about him, and that mysterious, mystical accent.’
‘Welsh?’ I say baldly.
He ignores me. I think he is mostly speaking to himself.
‘I am here for the retreat, as well!’ a woman calls across to our group in a European accent. She joins us, continuing, ‘I am Clara, from Denmark.’ She reaches out to shake my hand and I leap up.
‘It’s you!’ I shout.
Hermouth gapes open. ‘No, it’sYOU!’ We both laugh out loud and I catch Mark and Joe exchanging confused looks.
It’s my friend from the vagina cult inLA. I can’t believe she’s here. This is madness. I giggle again and pull Clara in for a hug.
‘Mark, Joe,’ I say, pulling away. ‘This is Clara and her little friend Garfield.’ She sniggers and curtseys. ‘And how is your giraffe?’ she asks politely.
We both descend into laughter again.
‘How are you here?’ I say, bewildered.
‘I’ve been travelling all over Asia for the last couple of months,’ she explains, taking a seat next to us. I had just finished a few months in America when I saw you at the Sheathology class.’
‘Thesheath-what?!’ Mark interrupts and Clara turns to face him. Her mouth and eyes open a little too wide. Hesmiles nicely, but glances away quickly.
This will sound gross, but my brother is really hot. He’s tall and dark and brooding, all that Mr Darcy stuff. I have seen too many random humans turn to gloop in his wake not to have noticed, so there’s no point pretending it’s not a fact.
Clara and her pal, Garfield, don’t have much of a shot though lololol.
Actually, to be completely honest,nobody really does. My brother never seems to date. Or, if he does, he doesn’t tell me about it. He is decidedly not a sharer when it comes to his romantic endeavours. As far as I know, he’s never had a boyfriend at all. He came out to me way back at histwenty-first birthday and I was like, yeah doi, no shit, but he’s said almost nothing about his love life in the eleven years or so since. Forthe first few years I just thought he was a slow starter and I didn’t want to push him into talking about that side of his life if he didn’t want to. It had clearly been a big thing for him to come out at all, and I didn’t want to rush him into conversations he didn’t want to have. I thought he should go at his own pace and figure things out, without my big fat face leering over his shoulder ormy downloading Grindr onto his phone. Much as I wanted to. But time went by and nothing happened.No onehappened.
Sometimes I wonder about Mark and Joe. They would be so brilliant together – theyareso brilliant together – but it’s always been completely platonic. I once mentioned the possibility to Mark, years ago. He laughed his head off and then accused me of being one of those cis idiotswho assumes just because two people are gay that they will automatically fancy each other. Which is fair enough. People can be just friends for God’s sake! Except sometimes when I’m really drunk I want to kiss Eva a lot. But I think that’s just some kind of complicated, confusedcross-contamination of adoration. Sexuality is all on a spectrum, right? I’d say I’m like an eight out of ten on theside of fancying men.
Either way, I’ve never seen anything flirty going on between Joe and Mark, and Joe always seems to have a boyfriend so I don’t think it would ever happen. I don’t understand whynothinghappens for Mark though. I have tried to get him to talk to me about his love life. Believe me, I’ve tried. I am always fishing, always saying unsubtle things like, ‘How’s life? Any gossip?’And sometimes more pointed things like, ‘Is there anyone on the scene?’ And a few times literally, ‘Please tell me about your love life. Please Mark, I’m desperate to know.’ But he always either laughs my questions off, or gives me a vague answer about being too busy with work for a love life.
It makes me sad, but I am also aware that not everyone is as obsessive about oversharing as me or,say, Slutty Sarah. So maybe he’s just not that interested in talking about it. Or maybe he’s having a rampantsex-filled mad secret life that I’m not privy to. I hope it’s the latter, but I would also be sad if that were the case. I want him to feel like he can share all of that with me. Even though my brother having a sex life would of course make me puke.
‘Well, it’s amazing to meet youproperly, Clara,’ I say, shaking her hand and laughing again. ‘I can’t believe you’re here. We are obviously meant to be friends. Sorry I ran out of that place inLAso fast, I did not want to see anymore chinchillas.’ She throws back her head and laughs, as I add, ‘Anyway, this is my brother Mark, and that’s Joe over there.’
The Texan leans in. ‘I’m Craig,’ he says, and I freeze. I can nevertell if Americans are saying Greg or Craig and it is my worst thing. We all nod at each other, and excitement buzzes around us.
‘WELLthen,’ Gary booms, suddenly joining us. ‘I expect you’re all excited to hear what awaits you.’
‘Is there anyone else joining our special group, Shaman Quam?’ Mark asks, and you really have to know him well to hear the amusement in his tone.
Gary surveysthe gang. ‘Oh, wait, hold on, there should be a German couple around here somewhere.’ He looks around until he spots an elderly pair huddled together in the furthest corner. ‘Aha,’ he says striding over to them. ‘Hallo, Marie und Anna?’
The women look startled but leap up. They must both be in their late seventies, but seem spritely enough.
‘Willkommen in Koh Chang!’ Gary says happily.
‘You must be Shaman Quam, we are delighted to make your acquaintance,’ one of the women says in perfect, formal English. The pair follow him over to our group and we all wave awkwardly.
‘Hello everyone!’ Marie and Anna say simultaneously. They laugh at the synchronicity, looking at each other affectionately.
I scoot over, making room for them to sit. They are already my favourites inthe group. They have a nice energy and kind faces. When I’m puking my guts out in a couple of days, I want them to be right there next to me. I will even let them have first pass at the toilet.
Oh God, there probably won’t be a toilet, will there?
