I shake my head. ‘No, actually!’ I say enthusiastically. ‘You know I blocked him on WhatsApp after that weirdly sentimental message he sent me inLA? But he could’ve contactedme some other way. I haven’t had any emails or calls or texts – nothing. Which I think proves it was just a fleeting moment of emotion for him. Maybe he was drunk or lonely. Or, most likely, horny. Either way, I honestly feel fine about it. You know ... I think I might finally be getting over him, Mark. I’ve hardly thought about him lately. And I have to say, all this snogging other people reallyhelps.’
He nods importantly. ‘That’s excellent. And you should do more of that then.’
‘So should you,’ I say carefully and we eye each other warily for a second.
‘Hannah sent me the latest family newsletter today,’ he says, tactically changing the subject.
‘And you haven’t forwarded it to me yet!’ I gasp, laughing. ‘Any highlights?’
‘So many,’ he confirms. ‘Apparently Hannahfinally has absolute proof that the world is flat. Who knew? She has been swapping messages with some, er, “experts” she met onAWOL. They told her they’rewhistle-blowers fromNASAand the round Earth thing is all a lie to keep us from investigating the aliens who really run the government.’
‘That is so totally amazing,’ I laugh again, as he continues.
‘Yep, she is now officially referringto herself as a Flat Earther and included a number of YouTube andsub-Reddit links on the email, for those of us who want to know “the truth”.’
I clap my hands together, delighted. ‘Please forward it on to me immediately,’ I say. ‘Because I need more information. Do these people also think the sun is flat? And the moon? Why are there are no FlatSun-ers or FlatMoon-ers?’
‘I can showyou a flat moon right now,’ Mark says dryly, pointing at his own admittedly shapeless bum. We both giggle. I am so happy. Hannah’s conspiracy theories are my favourite thing.
‘It’s a very good point about FlatSun-ers though,’ he adds seriously. ‘Maybe I will raise it with Hannah and she can address her thoughts on other stars and planets in her next newsletter. But the whole thing is yourfault, anyway. She’s been looking into the Earth shape because you’ve been travelling to such faraway lands. She’s really worried you’re going to get to an edge and fall off. She’s also asking the two of us not to go up any mountains while we’re in Thailand, as the other side is often adrop-off point into outer space. Obviously. That’s why we can’t see the edges, they’re up high. This whole Earththing is essentially a valley.’
‘That makesSOmuch sense, she is so clever,’ I nod enthusiastically along. I love it. But I guess that puts paid to themountain-climbing plan, at least. How useful because I didn’t really want to do that anyway.
A man with a tiger painted across his face leans into our space.
‘You with him?’ he shouts at me, gesturing rudely towards Mark.
I look at my brother, my eyes wide. Outrageous! Interrupting us, barging into our conversation, dismissing my beloved Mark with a wave of his hand! No one talks to us like that! I will tell this idiot where to go.
‘Nope, I’m not with him,’ I say instead, smiling up at tiger face, allheavy-lidded and flirty. ‘Why, are you interested?’
Mark winks at me, understanding that he could befalling into a vat of acid right now and I would not care or save him.
‘See you later, lovingsis,’ he says with emphasis, and wanders off to find Joe. I turn back to the tiger, who is grinning at me.
‘I’m a firefighter,’ he says in an Essex accent, puffing his chest out. And it is a nice chest. ‘Fancy a shag?’
‘Does that line ever work?’ I say, genuinely curious. Firefighters aresexy, sure, but is saying the word one time enough to make all pants in the vicinity drop en masse?
‘About eighty per cent of the time,’ he says, nodding, still waiting for my answer.
I consider it. I am definitely up for getting off with him – it would break myone-night snogging record, currently held bysixteen-year-old me when I got off with Adam, Giuseppe, Fazli and put half of mytongue in Aaron’s mouth. Slutty Sarah said that only counted as three and a half – even though I actually went back and snogged Adam a second time later that night. So, snogging four people tonight would be a nice round number to reach, fourteen years later.
But it would also break my Thailand rule to actually shag him.
Hold on—
‘How many cats have you saved from trees? Do you keepcount?’ I ask, carefully.
‘Four thousand andseventy-two,’ he says confidently.
‘That many?’ I am surprised and turned on. ‘Who is putting all these cats up trees? Is it the arsonists, hoping to keep all you firefighters distracted while they set alight to the world around us?’
‘Is that a yes?’ he says, smirking.
Oh, you bet it is.
