‘I’m so happy to see you!’ Eva is squealing through my computer screen. ‘I’ve hardly heard from you lately, are you having the best time ever?’
I laugh, turning up the volume on my Skype. ‘I really am! I’m so buzzed to check out Palm Springs tomorrow.’
‘Areyou going with your sexy Uber driver friend?’ she leans in excitedly. I bite my lip. I haven’t spoken to Dom since our fight at Disneyland. After I stormed off, Patrick came to find me and the pair of ushalf-heartedly went on a few more rides, before eventually heading home, where we got drunk and watchedWrestleManiaboxsets fortwenty-four straight hours.
Obviously, I was pretty upsetabout what had happened – no one enjoys a loud, humiliatingbreak-up on a rollercoaster – but I am also determined to remain positive. Me and Dom were only meant to be ashort-term, fun thing anyway, and I’m leaving on Monday. It had to end some time. I’m just disappointed it imploded so dramatically, instead of with a wave and a hug. So, oh well, really. And Patrick’s been really nice and cheerful,it’s helped a lot. We have not mentioned that part of the fight where Dom accused me of crushing on Patrick, and have focused instead on distractions and fun. He suggested taking this trip to Palm Springs for my last few days, and I jumped on the opportunity. He has a car and a friend down there we can stay with. I’m really excited.
Pretending to study my nails, I say carefully, ‘Um, no.I’m going with my new pal, Patrick.’
‘Ooh, the surfer dude AirBnB host?’ she says, clapping her hands.
I nod, suddenly feeling weird that I haven’t told Eva about the argument with Dom yet. Usually we text all day every day, but I haven’t messaged her properly in days. Weeks. Not since I left the country, really. I know I’ve been distant since I got here, but I wanted to saturate myselfin this other life. I wanted to get away from all reminders of home, which – sorry Eva – includes my pregnant best friend. It also includes my brother, who’s messaged me several times these last couple of weeks asking for a chat, and who I’ve repeatedly given the majorbrush-off.
‘So how are you feeling?’ I say, changing the subject before she can ask any more questions.
She makes a face.‘Tired, miserable, hungry,’ she says, sighing. Then she pulls up her jumper to show me her belly, where there is the tiniest hint of a bump. ‘Look, she’s starting to make herself known.’
‘She?!’ I say, my voice high.
‘Oh!’ Eva laughs. ‘That’s just a guess. We don’t know yet, obviously.’
We.We. It still jars with me whenever she talks as a ‘we’. I hate the way couples do that. Likethey can’t be an ‘I’ any more. Everything has to be responded to together, as a pair.
‘Will you find out the sex?’ I say, trying to sound interested. She looks thoughtful. ‘We’re not sure,’ she explains. ‘Jeremy says we shouldn’t. But I don’t know. It’s funny. I’m not sure he is quitetherewith me in this pregnancy yet. I don’t know how to explain it, but I don’t think it’s real for himyet. Like, for me, I can feel this thing inside me. I can’t avoid how real it is. My body is literally changing. I’m different already. But it’s all still the same for him. I guess parenthood won’t be real for him until she – or he – is physically here with us ...’ She breaks off, and I wait for her to continue. ‘I feel a little ...’ she stops and laughs awkwardly. ‘Sorry,’ she says. ‘I’m alreadybeing boring about pregnancy stuff, sorry.’
‘No, no, you’re not!’ I say hurriedly. ‘I want to hear about it. Are you ... are things ...OKbetween you guys?’
She nods, but it is not as effusive as I would expect. ‘Yes!’ she says, nodding some more. ‘It’s great, it just, I don’t know, it just feels ... different.’
‘Well,’ I say slowly, unsure. ‘Things are bound to change a little.And they say men don’t ever get it until they can hold the baby in their arms, right?’
She nods again, her eyes wide. ‘Honestly, we’re fine – we’re brilliant! It’s just the hormones. You hear all the warnings about it, but you never really believe how weird you feel until you’re in it. But really, I’m fine!’ She chuckles, and her bravado is not very believable.
‘OK,Eva,’ I sigh. ‘Youknow where I am if you want to talk about any of this properly. I’m here for you.’
She laughs. ‘Well, you’re not really here for me for another couple of months yet!’
‘What do you mean by that?’ I say, feeling a little defensive. I’m still there for her. Just because I’m travelling doesn’t mean I’m not a good friend.
‘Oh, nothing! I didn’t mean anything by it, I promise,’ she says,smiling nicely. ‘I am just sad that you are so far away. It feels like we haven’t had time to talk properly since you’ve been gone. You just seem a bit ... distant.’ She goes on quickly. ‘And I know you’re having the trip of a lifetime, so I totally get it! And I’m so glad you’re happy.’ She pauses and then adds, ‘I just really miss you, Alice.’
There is a pause and I am not sure what tosay. ‘I miss you too, Eva.’
After we say goodbye, I find myself feeling a bit cross. I’m having my very first big adventure out here. Eva doesn’t have to make me feel bad about it. I haven’t been distant, I’m just on a holiday! And even if I have been a bit, it’s only because I’ve been busy. And it’s not like she needs me anyway. She’s the one who went off and got herself a new family– a new boy best friend – behind my back. If I’ve gone and found myself a life that doesn’t involve checking in with her every five seconds, whose fault is that, really? If she hadn’t swanned off into the sunset with Jeremy and got herself knocked up, she could be out here with me, having this trip of a lifetime, too. But instead she’s settled for some bland loser, just because she thinks she’sreached the proper age and proper time to start Real Life.
But then, that’s what everyone seems to do. They decide it’s the right time to start theirgrown-up life, and whoever happens to come along next is suddenly The One.
I call bullshit.
And either way, I don’t have to sit around waiting for the friendship scraps from the table.
Fuck it, I can’t waste my last few daysworrying whether or not Eva’s being funny with me. I’m going to pack for my Palm Springs trip.
