‘This one has really good Google reviews,’ he says conversationally now, leading me through a short corridor and into what looks just like the inside of an Apple Store. There are young,cool staff everywhere, wearing lanyards and showing customers around the room, explaining their products and making recommendations.
‘More importantly, the name ispun-tastic!’ I add, helpfully. ‘A bit convoluted, sure, but I do love a pun.’
He snorts, confirming, ‘That is what matters most, of course.’ He glances down at me. ‘You doingOK, 3.5? Have you really never smoked a spliff before?What were you even doing with your time at high school?’
I shake my head, still awed by the rows of options before us in fancy glass cases. There are edibles, drinks, and a vast array ofpre-rolled spliffs. I bet they even have a genius bar somewhere around here.
‘No, never,’ I say,absent-mindedly. ‘I was too busy not studying at secondary school, and also not getting laid.’ I turn toface him. ‘So, what should we get? Any suggestions? What do you usually buy?’
‘I think let’s stick with a straightforward spliff for your first try,’ he says, trying not to laugh. ‘They have three options on the menu. One that makes you hyper, one that mellows you out and one somewherein-between, like a mix of both.’
‘Won’t the onein-between just even you out?’ I ask, only half joking.
‘You could do with a bit of evening out, actually,’ he says, smirking. ‘You are quite the rollercoaster ride.’
I’m not sure if this is a compliment or not, but I’m too excited to care. We buy twopre-rolled spliffs, for fourteen dollars each, and I’m fascinated to discover that I am allowed to pay with my debit card. I even add a tip – because dollars are not real money anyway – and brieflywonder how this will appear on my bank statement. I am suddenly seized with worry over what a mortgage advisor would make of this purchase, were they reviewing my spending. But then I remember I’m wasting all the money I have in the world anyway, and will never be a home owner. But, let’s face it, no one my age will – not without a parent to help. It’s a real shame about my parents being so poorand complicated.
The cashier hands me a receipt, smiling. It has information about tax on there. I stare at it, enthralled. It’s a receipt for marijuana that talks abouttax. I am keeping this for ever. It occurs to me that I am one of the last generations who will find this a novelty. There are kids out there today who will grow up with it always being legal. Isn’t that funny? They will growup thinking of it as nothing to buy marijuana from their local Med Men or Green Doctor. It will be like Oddbins was for me when I was a kid.
Life is changing too quickly for me. I don’t know how much I like it.
‘Can we go smoke it on the beach?’ I say when we get outside. I am bouncing up and down with excitement.
‘Sure,’ Dom says, handing me the plastic folder with our purchases.‘ButFYI, that is incredibly illegal. They treat it like murder one here, so we’ll have to be very careful.’
‘Oh, excellent!’ I breathe out. ‘This wasn’t going to be nearly as much fun without it being illegal in some small respect.’
He takes my arm and we wander down to the shore, choosing a spot on the sand near the creeping tide. The light is starting to fade as Dom shows me how toinhale. I am unsurprisingly bad at it.
‘Are you going to beOK?’ he asks me nicely, patting me on the back as I cough up my lungs.
‘I’m fine!’ I say weakly, genuinely quite enjoying the burning sensation in my throat. ‘It’s great! Because this is how it is in the films, Uber Driver,’ I explain. ‘The idiot virgin coughs up internal organs the first time she tries drugs, thus learning herlesson for ever. She never does drugs again but her best friend becomes an addict of course, later dying in a tragic car accident after taking too many hallucinogens. The survivor guilt haunts our heroine but ultimately, she goes on to have a great life after marrying herhigh-school sweetheart who teaches her the true strength and courage of saying no.’
He looks at me contemplatively, ‘It’sa good job you’re not a virgin then, isn’t it?’ he says. ‘Because that life sounds tedious as fuck.’
‘Indeed it does,’ I agree, looking around at my beautiful surroundings. Everything suddenly feels a bit smooshy – but that might just be all the coughing – and I stare up at the sky, fascinated. Somewhere out there, the sun is setting, but the evening cloud is too thick to see where.
‘Whereis the sun?’ I say and my voice sounds far away and gravelly. ‘It must be over there. That’s west, right?’ I point in a random direction.
‘How would you possibly know that?’ Dom says affectionately – and he sounds far away, too. ‘You haven’t got a clue where west is.’
‘I sensed it,’ I reply,self-importantly.
‘Yousensedit?’ He does not believe me.
‘Yes, I think that psychic Isaw a couple of weeks ago gave me special powers.’
He still sounds sceptical, which I do not understand. ‘Do you indeed? You know what I think, 3.5? I think that maybe the drugs are kicking in.’
‘I don’t think so,’ I protest. ‘How am I supposed to know if they are, anyway?’
‘Well, how do you feel?’ he says, turning to me.
‘I feel great,’ I say, adding quickly, ‘but I don’t thinkI’m high, I think I’m just great.’ I pause. ‘Wait, I have an important question.’
‘What is the question?’ faraway version of Uber Driver asks.
I think about it. ‘I can’t remember.’
