‘Is Isy being really annoying?’ she stage whispers.
I nod, ‘Yes, but I do appreciate her letting me stay here. And to be honest, I’ve barely seen her. She’s been out every single night with that producer friend of Noah’s. The one who didn’t look at all like Brad Pitt and wasa bit of a knob. The two of them have been at it like horny rabbits since that first night I got here. I bumped into her in the kitchen yesterday where she was making them kale smoothies with ‘sex dust’ she bought online. I asked if sex dust is rohypnol, but apparently it’s something Gloop sells to make you horny. As if they need help.’
I giggle as the connection fizzes again. When Eva’s facereturns, she looks contemplative.
‘So listen Alice, how are you, um ...’ she pauses and I know what’s coming, ‘... how are you feeling about the Steven stuff? I texted Mark about it a bit the other day in Australia, and he seemsOK. He says not much has changed with Steven’s condition. Have you, um, been in touch with your mum at all?’
She knows this is dangerous territory with me.
‘Um, no.’ My answer is short and brooks no further discussion.
‘Mark said the doctors don’t think he’ll last much lon ...’
‘Eva,’ I sigh deeply. ‘I love you and I know you mean well, but I’m not really ready to talk about it yet. I don’t want to talk about it, please leave it alone.’
She nods, hearing me. ‘OKAl, but you know where I am if you do ever want to talk. I know it’sa difficult situation for you. And I’m sorry.’
‘Thank you,’ I say brusquely, but meaning it.
She clears her throat. ‘By the way, have you heard anything fromTDsince you’ve been there? He must be able to see online that you’ve left the country. We all know how he orbits your social media.’
I laugh, relieved she’s not going to push me into a difficult conversation I don’t want to have.Not that she ever really would, she’s so nice.
‘I got a text last night, actually,’ I say, giggling. ‘He sounded really annoyed I’d gone. He was demanding to know when I’d be back, and asked why couldn’t I pop back for a few days. He’s livid that my vagina is currently unavailable.’
She squeals, horrified. ‘Ew, he’s so gross. Did you ignore him?’
I make a face. ‘Well, no. I did reply.And don’t tell me off, Eva, I know I shouldn’t have. But I was just being polite, I don’t want to be rude! Being nice is the, like, higher ground. And obviously I told him I’m not coming back for a while, so it’s not like I’m going to see him.’ She doesn’t look convinced so I add, ‘I didn’t ask any questions, either, so it was obvious I didn’t want to chat!’
‘Alice!’ She looks stern. Eva israrely stern and I struggle not to laugh. ‘You’ve really got to cut him off completely. Responding at all makes him think he still has a chance with you. You’ve got to be totally done with him, block him! You made me do it with Xerxes, remember? And it worked because then I met Jeremy!’ I snort at the mention of Eva’s ex, the poshest moron to ever live. He once asked me what a Woolworths was. Sheignores me and continues. ‘That’s what this trip is about, right? A fresh start? Knocking yourself out of these bad habits and unhelpful patterns.TDdoesn’t deserve a second of your time or consideration, you know that, Alice. He’s an idiot and a user, and you are too good for him. And, look, you’ve got Noah now.’
‘I haven’tgotNoah,’ I roll my eyes. ‘He’s avoided all mentions of meetingup again. It’s all just texting forever and ever and ever.’ I pause, then add defiantly, ‘I’m going to be too busy for men, anyway.’
She smiles. ‘What have you got planned for your second week ofLAliving? More of the same?’
‘There will definitely be more extreme drinking and eating,’ I confirm. ‘But I also want to do some more typicalLA-type stuff. I want to feel culturally awkwardin a pedicure place. I want to go to a Soulcycle class. I want to get my palm read by a fraud on Muscle Beach. I want to wander the streets trying to get recruited by a cult. I want to do everything Constance Beaumont did when she was here.’
Eva is now equally obsessed with Constance Beaumont. Back in theUKwe spent a solid week sending each other her glistening sunny Instagram pictureswhile it rained outside. Just to make sure we fully hated ourselves and our lives.
I pause, then add, ‘Also, I totally want to get Botox.’
‘You don’t mean it?’ she looks at me agog.
‘Yeah I do,’ I insist. ‘I stopped a woman yesterday to ask for directions and she was like, “Sure hon, I can tell you how to get to the Whole Foods, but then I’m giving you directions to a place that willget rid of your elevens”.’
‘What does that mean?’ says Eva, looking perplexed. I point to the parallel lines between my eyebrows. ‘These are apparently my elevens,’ I tell her. ‘I didn’t know they were something I should be ashamed of, but now I do and I’m obsessed. I keep staring at them in the mirror. Plus, why not? I want to try new things. Why not try some poison in my forehead? Everyoneelse does it. You should see Isy’s face. It didn’t even move when I told her I’d never had my vagina steamed.’
She laughs, long and hard, and I can tell she doesn’t think I’m serious. I don’t even know if I’m serious. I did say I wanted to tryLAstuff? Have adventures.
Botox the Adventure!
It sounds like a Lady Gaga music video.
‘OK,’ she is still laughing. ‘But if you get itdone, I have to get it done, because you can’t cheat ageing unless we’re all cheating ageing, otherwise it’s not fair.’
‘I don’t think they’d let you have poison injected in you while you’re prego, Eva,’ I point out.
She looks down at herself surprised. ‘Right, of course not. I forgot for a minute.’
