Mum clears her throat again. ‘Right,’ she says once more, her voice onlyfaintly shaky. ‘OK, you lot. Everyone on all fours.’
The group responds obediently.
She’s really doing it, she really is. That’s it, Mum’s on her own.
‘Now,’ her voice is high. ‘Do a ... forward roll.’
I spot a couple of people glancing nervously at each other. Three of the teacher’s pets at the front do it without question. I couldn’t even do a forward roll when I was a kid,so I just sit back and watch.
‘Ow,’ says a muffled Hannah beside me, who is halfway through the exercise,bee-keeper hat trapped under her boobs.
‘Great, er, very well done, everyone,’ Mum says, regarding the group again. Off at the side, the original teacher is starting to look a bit nervous.
‘Up next,’ Mum is nodding confidently now, even smiling a bit. ‘Is the downward ... crouching,um, camel.’
A young woman at the front sticks her hand up like thegoodie-two-shoes she definitely always was at school.
‘Excuse me, could you demonstrate that one for us?’ she says, looking blank.
Mum stares at her, a little bit hostile. ‘I could,’ she replies at last. ‘But then ... how will you learn?’ She nods over in my direction, like I get it.
‘But ...’ the woman looksconfused. ‘But ...’
‘Oh fine,’ Mum snaps impatiently. ‘If you really do need babysitting, you can show the class. Stand up on your knees, quick, quick.’
The classsuck-up jumps to attention.
‘Then ... just, um, lean right back, into the ... camel,’ Mum says waving vaguely. ‘Further, further. Keep going. Now, let me ...’ She reaches for the woman, already stretched oddly, topress on her shoulders.
I see it coming and yet I still sit there, doing nothing, watching it happen. Unable to say anything.
We all hear the crack.
