She dominates every conversation, drawing in all the attention, and taking control in situations where I cower. All of which, I know, makes me sound like I’m a jealous bitch, and oh God Isoam.
I’m really jealous of her effect on men, too. In case you haven’t guessed, they are obsessed with her. They fall at her surprisingly in-proportion size-nine feet. It’s weird because, if you scroll through some of the thousands of social media comments she gets on every post, you’d assume men hated her. The amount of male ‘fans’ telling her she’s too fat to live and that she deserves to be raped to death is just... well, I guess, actually not that surprising with social media these days, but it’s still awful. And yet, put her in front of a group of blokes in a bar and it’s like they’re hypnotised. On any one night out, at least three or four guys will come over to ask her out, or send over drinks. Joely loves the attention – which is handy given what she does for a living – and can give as good as she gets. If there’s a man she fancies across the room, she’ll just go over and ask him out, without any fear. Obviously, she’s really offensive, like, all the time, and I wouldn’t want to piss people off like she does, but I do wish I had the bravery to stand up for myself more and be honest like her.
Basically, I am somewhere between wanting to be Joely, and wanting to have sex with her.
Lauren squeezes Simone reassuringly, as Joely continues excitedly, ‘Come on, then, Lozza, what are you thinking about for this wedding? Summer? Winter? What’s the plan?’
Lauren looks sheepish, waving her hand dismissively. ‘Oh, we don’t have to get into all that tonight,’ she says hurriedly. ‘Let’s just drink and chat. I don’t want to be a boring bride who takes a notepad around with her everywhere she goes. Let’s talk about you guys. Lilah, how’s work? How’s Will? How many cups of tea did you have to fetch for Rex today?’
I shake my head. ‘Don’t be silly, we want to talk about this!’ I cock my head at her. ‘Lauren, you’re engaged! This is your big day!’
She takes a deep breath and makes eye contact with each of us around the table. ‘OK, I don’t want to freak anyone out, but Charlie and I have talked about it. And we’ve officially decided on Saturday ninth of December for the wedding.’ She pauses and Joely looks at me, confused.
‘Thisyear?’ I say, alarmed.
Lauren grimaces. ‘Yes. And I know that’s only six months away, but we don’t want to waste the next two years obsessively planning this. I’ve seen enough mates go off the deep end planning their wedding. And Charlie really wants to do it sooner rather than later. He’s worried about his grandparents not being alive much longer, and it’s not going to be an over the top wedding abroad or anything...’
Joely shushes her furiously, leaning over the table towards her cousin. ‘December?’ she says, looking horrified. ‘It can’t be done, Lauren! What the hell are you thinking? People don’t plan weddings like this in six months! You’re going to have an atrocious fuckbag of a to-do list, Loz. It’s impossible! The dress alone usually takes at least three or four months to be ordered and fitted.’
Lauren’s eyes widen and she swallows hard.
I try a little more tact. ‘It does sound like it might be a bit of a rush,’ I say carefully. ‘Are you sure you can’t wait a little bit longer? Don’t you want to enjoy being engaged for a while? And I thought you always wanted a summer wedding with a strapless dress? Are you sure a December wedding is what you want?’
Lauren takes a deep breath. ‘I know all that. I know it’s a big ask, but it’s do-able,’ she says, giving herself a determined shake. ‘We’re going to have the ceremony and reception at Charlie’s dad’s place, right, Simone? So the venue is already sorted. We just need to sort out the smaller stuff – a marquee, flowers, decorations, table plans, guest list, invitations... Oh, and I’ve already ordered some cheap – non-strapless – dresses from abroad, which are possible wedding dresses, so they might beOK. And I know you’ll help me, won’t you?’ She looks at me beseechingly before continuing. ‘I think we can get most of what we need at, like, a couple of wedding fairs, right? So I just need to make speedy decisions and be prepared for a few compromises. But we can totally make this happen in six months... can’t we?’ She pauses, swallowing hard, and I can see the cogs in her brain whirring.
‘You’re insane,’ Joely pronounces, throwing her hands in the air. ‘You don’t realise all that’s involved with wedding planning. Tell Charlie you don’t care about his dying grandparents – soz, Simone – and that you want to do it next summer, earliest.’
Simone looks a bit hurt again but doesn’t say anything. Lauren bites her thumbnail and I can see she’s processing the magnitude of what’s ahead. I feel myself breathing heavily, because she’s not the only one. This is going to be a mammoth job.
Lauren looks at me, seeing my fear, and her lip trembles. She reaches for me, searching my face for reassurance. And I do the only thing I can and offer it.
‘Don’t worry, Lauren, we’ve got this,’ I say firmly. And then I take her sweaty, quivering hand and I squeeze the hell out of it.
Wedding Number Two:Charlotte and Eamonn, Town Hall, Greater Manchester
Theme:Cheapness. It’s on a Wednesday, which should tell you everything you need to know. Also, everyone keeps talking, misty-eyed, about ‘finding love second time around’, as if it’s some kind of miracle, just because the bride and groom are in their fifties.
Menu:Smoked salmon starter, followed by chicken and a meringue dessert. Veggie option: stuffed red pepper with goat’s cheese.
Gift:Joint membership to the National Trust with benefits @ £135.
Gossip:Despite being in her later life, the bride went pole dancing for her hen do, where she predictably slipped and broke her nose. She has two black eyes and spent her wedding day following the photographer around, telling him to please please Photoshop the pictures.
My bank balance:£305
3
Tom’s lip trembles as he opens the door and sees me standing there. Bless my little brother, he does find things difficult. He pulls himself together as he notices the two figures standing with me and says with enthusiasm, ‘Oh, hiya, reinforcements!’ There is relief in his voice.
I’ve got Lauren here with me – she insisted on coming. She said I shouldn’t have to ‘deal with those arseholes’ on my own. I pointed out that Will would be coming along to support me, and she just waved her hand dismissively. ‘Your boyfriend is a sweetheart, Lilah,’ she told me, graciously, ‘but he’s too nice in these situations, too diplomatic. I’ve known these idiots for half my life; I know how to handle them. I’ve got your back, I’ll look after you.’
I fucking love Lauren.
On that subject, Tom very much loves Lauren too, but in a less platonic way, and he hugs her for a second too long after ushering me and my bodyguards inside. ‘Thank God you’ve arrived,’ Tom says to me when he eventually lets go of Lauren, pulling me in and whispering ominously in my ear, ‘They’re both here.’
I pull away and place my hand on his shoulder, making square eye contact like I’m an army captain, reassuring my troops as we head over the trenches and into a hopeless battle. Which isn’t even really an analogy – it’s basically exactly what is happening.
‘Don’t worry, we can handle this,’ I say determinedly. ‘Are they on opposite sides of the room pretending not to see each other, like usual?’
