‘Oh, I, er...’ I stutter. I am wholly unprepared for flirting. Wholly unprepared. Especially flirting from someone I thoroughly hated until about twenty minutes ago. My hand buzzes against his palm – it literally buzzes, I swear. Like static electricity. I fight the urge to take off my clothes.
‘We better go. I have to get back to... life,’ I say, standing up.
‘Right then,’ he says, coughing and suddenly looking a bit vulnerable and awkward. We look at each other and I realise I’m still holding his hand. I let it go and he looks disappointed again.
We all stand and crowd out of his office, shouting happily at each other. Ethel, Annabel and Franny race each other to the lift, while Molly grumbles behind them. Lauren and Joely sing ‘Eye of the Tiger’ in loud, out-of-tune voices at each other.
Mr Canid and I bring up the rear. I have never been so aware of another person standing near me before. He clears his throat as we follow everyone slowly down the corridor.
‘Well, now that’s settled,’ he says in a low voice, his hand tingling on the small of my back, ‘Ms Fox, would you consider... do you want to go on a date with me sometime?’
‘What?’ I say stupidly.
Franny glances back at us and smiles. She’s twenty feet away; there’s surely no way she could’ve heard him.
I think fast as he continues. ‘A date. A drink. Dinner, maybe, if you’re into eating food in the evenings.’
‘Are you serious?’ I whisper, bewildered.
He stops walking and I stop too. ‘Completely serious,’ he says, studying me. ‘I’m told I don’t have a sense of humour, so I must be serious.’ He smiles again. ‘I know it’s a little unconventional and I would probably get into trouble for asking while I’m on official business, but there we go.’ My stomach goes a little funny. ‘Honestly, Ms Fox, I’ve really enjoyed our phone conversations, impassioned as they were. They’ve been a bit of a highlight for me. You won’t be surprised to hear that things can get a little dreary in the council offices on occasion, so you’ve brightened things up a bit. I even told my sister Annie about you! I’ve always liked people who aren’t afraid to tell me what they think and stand up for themselves. I also very much enjoy a good shouting match from time to time.’ He pauses and I see a flash of amusement. ‘Plus, I really like how you pronounce my name. It’s so exotic.’
I think for a second. A date. Dinner with this man who isn’t Will.
I have to admit, I’ve been oddly enjoying our phone arguments too.
Maybe I should go for it. Maybe this could be...
Will’s face flashes in front of mine for a moment and guilt fills me.
No, I can’t do it. I’m not ready. I’m not ready to let Will go just yet. Even if he’s long since let me go.
‘Um, my situation is a little bit complicated at the moment,’ I say reluctantly, fiddling with my shirt buttons. I go on. ‘I’m kind of in the middle of a breakup. Sort of. I mean, I got dumped a few weeks ago, but I’m not sure I’ve fully accepted I’ve been dumped yet, if you see what I mean.’ I feel flustered, and add, ‘Sorry, you really didn’t need to know that, sorry, sorry.’ I feel myself going red and stutter as I continue. ‘I am very flattered, and think you’re... well, you’re... And at another time... if you asked me... It’s just not really the right moment for me to be dating. I’m sorry.’
There is a moment of silence before Mr Canid takes a step away.
‘OK, I understand,’ he says, his professional face back in place. ‘I guess we’ll have to cancel the Fuddy-Duddies United plan after all.’
I gape at him, and for a second I think he’s serious.
Then he laughs. ‘I’m just joking!’ he says, his hands raised defensively. ‘Maybe I do have a sense of humour after all.’
That is debatable.
22
‘The truth is...’ Elizabeth pauses dramatically before shouting, ‘I’M NOT REALLY ELIZABETH.’
We all gasp and Lila Fowler –AKALauren – doubles over, laughing so hard she is genuinely struggling for breath.
‘Elizabeth’ whips off her blonde wig to reveal her own brunette hair underneath, and we all break into applause on the street. She fixes the group with an evil stare and continues talking loudly. People walking past stop to watch. A man holding a pint of beer in a plastic cup shouts, ‘Get your tits out.’
Elizabeth ignores him, shrieking in her most dramatic voice, ‘That’s right! I’ve been living as Elizabeth for the last few months but I’m really the evil Margo. And I’m going to murder the real Elizabeth because, basically, that uptight frigid bitch can suck it.’
Elizabeth/Evil Margo (or even her real name,Simone) has done very well with her big reveal. Although I’m not too sure about the ad libbing there at the end.
So basically, the theme for Lauren’s hen do is... wait for it... have you guessed? Maybe you worked it out the moment I mentioned Lila Fowler. Lauren’s hen do is all themed around the book andTVfranchise,Sweet Valley. That meansSweet Valley Kids,Sweet Valley Twins,Sweet Valley High,Sweet Valley University– as well as all the hundreds of otherSweet Valleyspin-offs/money-making enterprises.
It was Lauren’s favourite thing when we met at school and it’s continued to be an inside joke throughout our friendship. In fact, we’re basically friends because my name is Lilah and that’s her favourite character’s name.
