Lilah Fox added Joely Bolt to the group
Joely Bolt: Fuck you Lilah.
Katie Jacks: Lol wait what?
Katie Jacks: Lol lol lol why’d you leave Joely??? Also, I’m not on Instagram?????? Should I join???? I can follow it on Twitter????? Lol.
Simone Sweets: I’m just going into the gym, abs day lol. What’s everyone else up to?
Katie Jacks: Lol lol just heading to Marks and Sparks for some yum yums for dindins lol.
Joely Bolt has left the group
Lilah Fox added Joely Bolt to the group
And so it went on. Three hours later and I can still feel my phone buzzing against my bum with messages.
But never mind that, because I’m here to take care of some mo’ bid-nizz. We’re on our way to see Mr Canid, because enough’s enough – I need to speak to him face to face. We’ve had enough angry chats on the phone, and he’s ignored my emails, so it’s time to face the dickhead down. Look him square in his podgy eyes and tell him he’s a podgy-eyed dick-toilet. Or maybe something less likely to get us thrown out. Either way, it isONand I’m raring to go. I’ve got a speech and everything.
Because now we have leverage. We’re not just a small group of confused old ladies with their pushover token youth – now we’re a small group of confused old ladies with their not-going-to-take-your-shit token youthandthe support of the nation. TheQuiz Monsterspecial wasn’t just a success ratings-wise. We told the audience about the council trying to knock down our building and how we have nowhere else to go. We told them about the work we do in the community and how much we want to stay together. It’s been incredible. We’ve had the most unbelievable outpouring of support and donations, from all corners of the country. #SaveFuddyDuddiesUnited was actually trending on Twitter! For maybe four seconds, but it still counts. And the most important messages of love have been from our local area. We heard from people we’ve met as a group over the years, people we’ve helped, and people we now desperately want to help if we’re allowed to continue. Everyone was so nice and encouraging, and donated whatever they could. It’s proof that we’re needed and wanted. I’ve spent the whole weekend trying not to do that Sally Field speech, but sod it:
YOU LIKE ME, YOU REALLY LIKE ME!
Us. I mean us.
It has to be enough to saveFU.
So we’re all marching over to the council offices now, unannounced, to take on Mr Canid. The building isn’t too far away from my work, and I wonder for a second why I haven’t turned up here before to try to speak to him in person.
I guess I was too scared.
Duh. Of course I was too scared.
I walk taller now, thinking how much braver I’ve become in the last few weeks. You do one small brave thing, and then you feel like you can do a slightly bigger brave thing. And then, before you know it, you’re leading a pack of people to confront a scary bureaucrat with a stupid unpronounceable name. Without an appointment.
Ooh, I’m such a bad girl, somebody arrest me already. Again.
I’m at the front of the group, striding confidently, and behind me trails Franny, Ethel, Annabel, Lauren and Joely. Molly is also with us, even though she wasn’t invited. She’s trawling alongside the group on her mobility scooter, shrieking at everyone to go faster.
We turn the corner and there’s the ugly, sixties block of a building.
Here we go.
I breathe deeply and head towards the revolving doors.
Everyone piles in at once.
‘Oh, come on, guys, don’t do that,’ I say weakly, shoved up against the glass as six people try to cram into the same section of door. ‘We don’t all have to come in at the same time. This is how people die in revolving doors.’
There is some panicked pushing and shoving, and from outside behind us, Molly shouts at everyone to wait for her while she parks the scooter.
Nobody does, and after some limb rearrangements, we all make it into the foyer. The security desk is manned by two amused-looking men, who have watched our stupid Laurel and Hardy routine with the doors. I suspect it hasn’t inspired the professional air I was hoping to arrive with.
‘We’re here to see Mr Canid,’ I say, trying to sound official and important anyway. ‘Please tell him Delilah Fox is here to speak to him and it’s vital he come down to see me immediately.’
The nearest of the two nods and picks up a phone, speaking in a low voice.
‘He says you can go up,’ he says, and there is mild surprise in his tone. I guess I’m not coming off as quite so important as I’d hoped. ‘He’s on the twenty-second floor. He’ll be waiting for you by the lift doors.’
