I take one, hoping she’s right.
Lauren and Joely are also around here somewhere. They volunteered to help with herding and babysitting theFUladies, but last time I saw them was an hour ago over by the dressing rooms, chatting up the celebs. Lauren was asking for selfies, and Joely was explaining how she is ‘one of them’.
They seem happy, like nothing happened between us. Lauren hasn’t mentioned her wedding once today and when I asked her how things were going, she just smiled and said, ‘All fine. Pretty much sorted now. I’m finally sticking to my choices and Charlie’s actually been pitching in to help me at last.’ It feels like she’s learned some kind of major life lesson, but I hope we are still allowed to be included in these last bits of planning. I’d hate for her to think we don’t want to be involved or help at all. That’s not what I wanted.
I feel such a swell of satisfaction looking around the room at my ladies now. It’s funny, really. It seems like all I hear in the news lately is that different generations hate each other and have nothing in common. They’re pitted against each other, encouraged to blame each other for the world’s problems. They hate the way the other votes, they hate how they live their lives, they hate what they stand for. Millennials blame baby boomers for having all the money, and baby boomers blame millennials for wasting their lives on touch screen technology. But look at Sam laughing over there with Annabel right now. There’s easily fifty years between them, but they have so much in common. It’s amazing seeing these women helping each other, working together. It seems to me like we all need each other more than we ever have before. The world is a tiny bit fucked up at the moment, and this is when people need to lean on each other the most. I know saving my small club isn’t going to change the world, or help more than a few people. But maybe if I can keep Fuddy-Duddies United open, perhaps we can do more. We could expand the club, even make it nationwide. Encourage generations to get more interconnected.
Or maybe just sack off the Mother Teresa act and get them their own badassTVshow! We could make it likeCharlie’s Angelsbut in a quiz format and with old women?
A delighted-looking Franny springs over, fluttering her excessively long fake eyelashes at me.
‘How are you feeling?’ I say and she nods happily, pulling out the Kylie Jenner lip gloss she has stolen from Gilly.
‘Bloody excited, Delilah. I can’t believe you made all this happen. I’m so proud of you,’ she says, liberally applying and missing most of her top lip entirely. We might have to revisit Gilly en route to the set.
Sam comes over, the Battenberg is gone and her headset is on. ‘Ten minutes until show time, guys. Oh, Granny Franny, what have you done to your face? You’ve already been through make-up twice. Can you stop messing around?’
Franny giggles and Sam stomps off to find a tissue.
My grandma pulls me close and we lean on each other for a moment.
‘I mean it, my darling, I’m so proud of you.’ She sighs, holding my hand tightly. ‘You’ve done so well. And if this doesn’t save Fuddy-Duddies United, nothing will. Oh, and it’s nice to see your girls, Lauren and Joely, are here too, supporting you on your big day. I’m so glad you’ve made up. I know I called them dreadful bitches and I stand by that, but they are also very special. Although I’m not sure I’ve seen either of them actually do very much of anything today. They’re both still princesses, I suppose – good-hearted, but definitely princesses nonetheless.’
I smile and she tilts her head, looking kindly at me. ‘And what about the hen party, Lilah? Have you had any word about that yet?’
My stomach flips over and my chest squeezes. I open my mouth to explain but Sam is suddenly back with us, shooing Franny out of the room.
It’s time.
HERE WE FUCKING GO.
Wedding Number Twelve:Millie and Mazi, Church of St Mary, Surrey
Theme:Irish Catholic meets Nigerian, which means nothing, except a lot of bright colours and loud families.
Menu:Smoked salmon starter, followed by chicken and a meringue dessert. Veggie option: stuffed red pepper with goat’s cheese.
Gift:Coins in a Tesco carrier bag @ £20.
Gossip:The videographer caught the MIL slagging off the bride, who saw a rough edit a few days later. Bride now knows that her new mum thinks she is a ‘cunt’.
My bank balance:-£2045 (Friendly, non-threatening voicemail from the bank and letters from credit card companies I’m not going to read because they don’t count.)
21
‘Come on, you lot, keep up,’ I bark, feeling all authoritative. Some grumbles echo around behind me, but I ignore them, keeping my stride long and decisive.
I’m on such a high after Friday, I feel like I can take on anything. Rex was beaming with joy when I got to work this morning. The ratings were brilliant for the live show, and he’s had fantastic feedback on Twitter all weekend. Which is the main thing he cares about. That’s not to say everything went without a hitch. Truth be told, the whole thing was a nightmare and I spent most of the show peeking through my fingers and avoiding eye contact with my producer. But live stuff is always unpredictable and throw in a bunch of maverickTV-newbies – not to mention Granny Franny with her penchant for disobeying anything that sounds like an instruction – and things were bound to be a bit out of control. But the audience loved it! Especially when Franny detached her buzzer and lobbed it at Calum Best. And when Molly made Professor Green cry. Oh, and theyreallywent nuts when Annabel sat on George Galloway’s lap and got him to purr. It was just greatTV.
Rex leapt on me this morning when he got in, shouting that I was ‘bloody fantastic’. He says he wants me to lead all the brainstorming sessions for the next series – and he didn’t ask me to make him a coffee! Oh, and my producer has agreed to give me a raise. In fact, don’t tell Aslan, but I’ll be getting more than him – to ‘reflect my extra experience and compensate me for having previously been on less’. I’m even getting a series bonus. It means that I can consolidate my mess of credit cards and hopefully actually start paying them off. Maybe one day I’ll even crawl out of my overdraft.
I said one day, let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
Rex ordered me to take the rest of the day off, and said we can start working on the next series tomorrow.
I’m also on a massive high becauseGUYS, THE HEN DO IS GOING TO BE OK.
I didn’t think I could handle it, but I totally could. I am amazing and I can handle anything.
