Don’t think about Will.
Don’t think about him. Don’t don’t don’t.
I can’t help it. The same thought just keeps circling my brain, like a loud, blocked plughole, gurgling angrily.
How have I fucked everything up so badly? I just keep wondering how it’s possible.
Losing a best friend or a boyfriend would be bad luck. Losing both in the space of a couple of weeks? That’s got to be my fault. I’m the common denominator here. Will, Lauren, Joely – they’ve all decided I’m not worth the effort, or their love. They’ve seen the real me and they don’t like it.
I can’t really be here, can I? This can’t be real.
After our fight – was it even a fight? What does a fight with Will actually look like? – he took his shower while I stayed in bed, my mind blank and numb. He came back in, fully dressed a while later, wafting that clean shower gel smell and saying nothing. Then he packed his bag and left. Without another word.
I stayed there, unable to move, for the rest of the weekend. Then I called Aslan and told him I wasn’t coming in. I told him that he’d have to handle things on his own for a few days. He sounded a bit stunned, but told me not to worry. He didn’t ask many questions, which I appreciated.
And then I just lay there in bed, not eating and barely thinking. Just staring at my phone, waiting for it to do something.
Eventually I couldn’t take the silence in our –our– bedroom anymore. And so I went into work.
I got Rex his tea, I laughed at Aslan’s bad jokes, I got Sam to book more taxis, I put the contestants through the necessary audition hell. And here I am at yoga, breathing, breathing, breathing, like they tell us to.
But nothing feels real. It’s like I’m walking through water. I’m on autopilot, looking and hearing everyone on a Skype delay. Everything’s blurry around the edges and people are moving in odd ways. It feels like I keep having out-of-body experiences, where I find myself looking down at the room. I stare down at another version of me, a Lilah who’s talking to co-workers and smiling like everything’s normal. But nothing’s normal.
I shouldn’t have come to yoga today. There’s too much quiet here in this room. Too much emptiness around me. The noise of work kept everything at bay this week, and now, here in the silence, it’s all crept back in.
Will.
Lauren.
Joely.
Hen dos.
Weddings.
Engagements.
This many weddings in one year? What the fuck was I thinking?
My throat closes and I sit down on my mat heavily. The people around me are suddenly too close to me, it feels claustrophobic. Bodies everywhere, moving and breathing and sweating. I need to get out, it’s too hot, there’s too much sweat. Too much happening in my brain.
I sit there for a long minute, trying to breathe. The instructor nods at me, checking I’mOK. I nod back, signalling that I am, even though I’m really, really not.
It feels like nothing will ever beOKagain, actually. It’s all so messed up.
Fuck.I shouldn’t feel like this, it’s not right. I have so many things happening in my life, so many people, and yet... I’m really totally alone. How can I be so busy, always moving, always going to parties and hen dos and weddings, all these friends talking and laughing, and still feel so isolated? That’s not how lonely works, is it? It shouldn’t be. I have 700 friends on Facebook, more on Twitter and Instagram, and yet none of it is tangible. I’ve been so scared of missing things, of not being included. Always saying yes, always running around trying to do the right thing and be a good person. I’ve forgotten what I need and what I want from my life. I’ve put everyone before me and this is where I’ve found myself. Alone, literally on my arse, totally broke, exhausted, and with nowhere to turn now. My best friends hate me, my boyfriend’s dumped me and I could be losing Franny and the otherFUladies if we can’t stop this demolition. We’ll be scattered all over the place if we lose the building. Separated. My family.
There is so much to think about, so much to be sad and scared about. Maybe constantly doing things for other people and putting others first isn’t the answer to it. Maybe it’s about doing less. Beating my own path.
But what can I do? Re-train my stupid brain? I’ve been a follower for so long, I don’t know how to do things any other way.
I launch myself up off the mat and into a warrior pose, trying to ignore the thoughts. I want so much to focus, but now I know it’s definitely stupid goddamn tears on my face I can feel.
18
You know who is amazing at horrible times like these? Franny.
You know who is even more amazing at horrible times like these? Franny with luminous, electric-blue hair.