Back in our own clothes and in the car twenty minutes later, Joely asks to be dropped off at the steam-cleaning clinic. Will wisely asks no questions when the address doesn’t turn out to be a launderette and the two of us sit in companionable silence on the drive home.
‘You really did look amazing earlier,’ he says suddenly, turning off the radio.
I feel myself blush beetroot. ‘Thank you. Er, you look, er, amazing today too, Will,’ I say awkwardly. It’s all I can think to say, and Franny taught me to always return a compliment. Even if it is incredibly confusing to do so.
Will shakes his head, smiling. ‘Did you love it? Wearing the big dress? Pretending to be a bride? Imagining being the star of the show?’
I look over at him but he’s staring straight ahead at the road, his hands at ten and two on the steering wheel. Road safety matters to Will.
‘It was quite fun,’ I say carefully. I don’t know where he’s going with this. It’s as close as we’ve come to discussing the non-proposal, and I don’t know if I want it to get any closer.
He hesitates and then adds, ‘Don’t you want that for yourself?’
I clear my throat. ‘Hmm, maybe one day,’ I reply as nonchalantly as I can, thinking that playing dress-up today was probably enough for me. It was fun but didn’t feel right. The idea of wearing one of those for real – in front of hundreds of people – seems so far away and alien. And not in an exciting way.
‘But what about our future, Lilah?’ he says, a little impatiently, and I shift uncomfortably, aware of my seatbelt digging into my neck.
I’ve never really heard Will be impatient before, certainly not with me. This is new.
He goes on: ‘Don’t you want us to have our own lives too, Lilah? We had all these plans we made last year. I thought we were going to travel together around the States? Hire a car, take a backpack and road trip across the Midwest. What happened to that? Are you still saving any money towards it? Because I am. In fact, I have the money. I’m ready to go. I want to go.’
Are we really so out of touch? Of course I’m not saving money. Everything I earn is going towards hen dos and travelling about to castles and new outfits and wedding presents. I’m barely covering my half of the rent, never mind saving anything. I am very much negative-saving. How has he not realised that?
He sighs and continues: ‘If I’m being totally honest with you, Lilah, I feel very much second fiddle these days. Like our lives are on hold. I... I don’t want to be one of those couples whousedto have plans, you know? Who used to do things together and used to have fun. We had such a great time at the hotel a few weeks ago, but then it just immediately went back to us having no time together at all. I don’t want to wait forever for our lives to move forward.’
I shake my head. ‘It’s not forever,’ I say simply, adding silently,It’s just this year. But I know that is too long for him to wait. I can’t ask him to wait. I know I have to find more room in my life for him now.
‘I’m sorry things have been so busy lately,’ I say, feeling awful. ‘It’s just that with Lauren and her hen do, and all the other weddings we’ve got happening this year, I’ve been run off my feet. Plus all that’s happening with Fuddy-Duddies United and the council now. Oh, and work as well, with the series finale approaching and the live celebrity special...’ I trail off. He knows all this. He knows my excuses are legitimate. He knows the last couple of weeks have been me chasing my tail with the council, leaving messages, writing emails, speaking to the rest ofFUabout what we can do. And so far getting nowhere.
‘But I promise I’m going to make more room for you,’ I say earnestly. ‘I still want to have adventures with you, Will, of course I do! Us travelling around the world might have to wait a little bit longer, because you’re right, I haven’t been putting much of my salary aside for it lately. But I will, and it will happen. I’m excited for that part of our lives. And I’ll tell Lauren she has to back off a bit,OK? Maybe we can make the wedding meetings every other week, instead of every week. I’ll ask her to stop sending me so many messages about everything and we’ll have more time just the two of us to talk.OK, Will? I’m sorry, I know this hasn’t been very fair on you. Don’t be cross with me. I’m sorry.’
We pull into our driveway and he turns to me, smiling softly. ‘Of course I’m not cross with you,’ he says nicely, and then opens his mouth as if to say something more, but my phone vibrates, interrupting us. It’s Lauren. Of course it’s Lauren. He sees the name at the same time as I do, and climbs out of the car, striding for the door and heading straight inside, without looking back.
I sit there, feeling a little bit shaky.
Oh God. He seems really unhappy. He’s never stormed off before – even if that was a really quite tame sort of storming off, and actually possibly more of a going-inside-off. Still, though, it wasn’t good. But what else can I do? I’ve taken too much on, but I can’t just drop any of it. It’s all too important. Will just has to wait and be patient, it’s the only option.
I sigh and open Lauren’s message.
I’m here. Where are you guys? This shop assistant is a right smacked-arse-faced bitch.
14
Franny is glittering with excitement about something. She has been bursting to tell me all day about a kind of scheme or prank she’s got going on. She loves a scheme or a prank. She kept dropping hints at lunch, but now it’s the end of the day and she can wait no longer.
‘I’ve humiliated the shit out of stupid Andrea!’ she says, brimming with glee. We’ve been unloading one of the industrial dishwashers in the canteen kitchen together, and I pause in the act of shaking water off a colander.
‘You’ve... you’ve humiliated the... shit out of Andrea?’ I repeat slowly, waiting for the punchline.
She takes the colander out of my hand, dumps it still wet on the side, and leads me to a seat out the front, bouncing from foot to foot. As Franny would say, no job is finished until it’s totally half-arsed and left undone. She sits down heavily at one of the tables and immediately lights up a cigarette.
‘Franny!’ I gasp dramatically. ‘You’re really, really not supposed to smoke indoors, you must know that – especially not in aTVstudio—’ I start, but she waves me away, smiling sweetly.
‘They’re not going to tell me what to do,’ she says, puffing happily. ‘It was fine back in my day and it’s fine now. I can’t be doing with all this worrying over everything. Everywhere I turn I’m being shouted at about yet another thing causing cancer. Chocolate causes cancer, chocolate saves you from cancer. Alcohol causes cancer, alcohol saves you from cancer. Vegetables cause cancer, coffee causes cancer, walking to the loo causes cancer, going to the loo causes cancer, being alive causes cancer—’
‘OK, yes,’ I interrupt a list that didn’t sound like it was going to end, ‘that’s true, but smoking definitely causes cancer. And other stuff.’ I fan a hand in front of my face, the smoke giving me an instant head rush. ‘Fine, but please put it out quickly if anyone comes in.’
‘Course I will, Delilah, my darling. I’m not stupid,’ she says, rolling her eyes at me affectionately. ‘I always put it out and blame one of the interns when anyone asks about the smell. Ha!’ she cackles, and I glance nervously over my shoulder at the canteen door. Her laugh really carries along these big echoey corridors.
