But it’s not, it’s Dad. Should I answer? Can I deal with this? At least if I’m on the phone, it’d be harder for the woman to force us to leave.
‘Hey, Dad,’ I say, pressing my phone to my ear and making my way to the front of the store, away from Joely.
‘What’s new, pussycat?’ he says, predictably.
‘Not much. Busy as ever. I’m in a bridal boutique at the moment, waiting for Lau—’
‘That’s great, love,’ he interrupts. ‘Listen, have you spoken to your bitch mother?’
Immediately. Great. I roll my eyes.
‘Please don’t call her a bitch,’ I try weakly.
‘I would love to not call her a bitch, Delilah, I would absolutely love that,’ he says enthusiastically. ‘But she IS a bitch. She is behaving like a bitch and is a bitch down to her core, so what else can I do? Tell me what I should do, what word should I use, because it is the only word that describes her.’
‘OK,’ I sigh. ‘No, I haven’t heard from her.’ But just as I say it, my phone lights up against my ear. A quick look confirms it’s a text message from Mum. She wants me to know my dad is a garbage toilet. When I put my phone back to my face, Dad is mid rant.
‘I really mean it, the woman should be tested for rabies. I’m not even saying that in a mean way. I’m actually worried for her health. I feel like she is going to fall into a rabies coma very soon – any moment now – and then it’s going to be too late to save her. Like, I hate the bitch, but I don’t want to see her dead, and she is clearly demonstrating all the symptoms of early-stage rabies. Foaming at the mouth, being insane, general uncalled for rage. It’s really obvious that’s what she has.’
‘Has anything actually happened, Dad?’ I say a tiny bit impatiently. This is not a new speech.
‘Yeah, and I think this fact is going to blow your dick off, Delilah,’ he says dramatically, using another phrase he’s picked up from late night American telly. ‘She’s started seeing that turd, Jack, again. She sent me a cock picture and it looked a lot like the ones she sent me while they were together.’
‘Dad, that’s charming—’ I start, but he’s still going.
‘So then I sent her a pair of tits I found on the internet and she came back immediately and said they were clearly Kim Kardashian’s, and unless I was getting off with Kim Kardashian, then I was a pathetic loser.’
‘That is very harsh—’ I try again.
‘And I tried to call your brother to talk to him about it, but he didn’t answer, as usual. It’s really ruined my day, Delilah. I was trying to watch old episodes ofThe Voice, the ones where Tom Jones performs, and your mother has completely ruined that experience for me. You need to talk to her, Delilah. Tell her she’s a vile bitch. Use those words.’
‘I can’t do that, Dad,’ I say, feeling tired. ‘Listen, I have to go. I’m in the middle of stuff. But I’m sorry you’ve had another little falling out with Mum. I’m sure she didn’t mean any of it.’
He scoffs as I quickly say bye and hang up.
My parents are the worst.
Across the room, Joely sighs with frustration as she takes another gulp of fizz. ‘How long before we can leave, do you think?’ she says, not waiting for an answer as I sit back down next to her. ‘I have a date tonight and I want to go get my vagina steamed before the place closes.’
I give her a quizzical look and she nods – she’s serious.
‘Gwyneth Paltrow does it,’ she explains. ‘She’s been going on about it for years, about how it has healing and rejuvenating properties. Plus, I’m assuming, it makes your fanny way clean.’
‘What exactly needs healing and rejuvenating in your vagina?’ I say, genuinely curious.
She shrugs. ‘I dunno. I get a lot of compliments, but it has had a rough ride of it over the years. Some rougher than others. I expect it could do with a spring clean.’ She laughs.
‘Do you think mine needs a spring clean?’ I say, worried.
Joely laughs again and this time it’s more of a cackle. ‘I shouldn’t think so, babe. I imagine Will is very hygienic, isn’t he? I bet he uses a Dettol wipe on his penis before and after.’
I giggle, but I feel a bit sad for Will. Even though I know Joely is only teasing, he would probably be upset. He can be sensitive. But the thing is, heisvery clean. And I really like that about him! I can’t be the only woman left traumatised in the past by a cheesy blowjob. Surely it’s much better to taste Palmolive shower gel in your mouth than all-day sweaty pant odour?
Oh – it occurs to me in a rush – what if my bits taste like all-day sweaty pant odour? I am suddenly afraid. I am not flexible enough to check, so how would I ever really know? I need to do more yoga so I can get my head down there.
Or maybe less yoga, if that’s making me sweatier. What is the right answer?
‘Maybe I should get her steamed too, then?’ I say, gesturing down there, and Joely looks horrified.
