8
Dot's already started off the night with “Sweet Child of Mine.” I'm surprised when I glance at the clock and realize it's only five.Maybe she's at it early tonight because she has adate.
“Lucky bitch,” Imumble.
Jesus, I'm starting to envy a seventy-year-old cougar, I think as I open the fridge and stare at the lone ranger on the shelf: my beloved boxed wine. I fill up the plastic Solo cup, trot across the room in my Hanes granny panties and ratty NSYNC tank top from college, then plop onto the couch to binge watchUnsolved MysteriesonPrime.
Just when I get snuggled into the Charlie-shaped indention on my couch, my phone dings with atext.
Dani: Do you watchporn?
Steph should be asking me this, not Dani. I take a sip while I type out:You realize you texted Charlie,right?
Dani: Seriously I need to know. I have this client, Throbbin Hood, who is suing VayJay Fantasies because he said they made his dildo a seven incher when it should be aneight.
My mouth is full of red wine, and in a dangerous attempt not to spit it all over my couch, I suck it down my windpipe. I go into a coughing fit, wondering how long it takes to die from dry aspiration. I'm going to lie down tonight and never wake up. Charlie Williams. Thirty-five. Cause of death: drowned in wine. Theirony.
Ding. I manage to catch my breath and blink away the tears to read thetext.
Dani: What kind of name is that? He doesn't have a hood? Does it mean he makes all the ladies' hoodsthrob?
Me: Can you dry aspirate from sucking wine into yourlungs?
Dani: You are NOT dying,Charlie.
Dani: I need moral guidance. Morbid curiosity has me in her grips, but the moral side of me says that if I Google Throbbin Hood I'm breaching some client relation bullshit, or I'll possibly get a virus on myPC.
Me: Just Googleit.
Dani: Ican't.
Dani only pretends to be moral. She'll Google it. Three. Two. One. The little bubbles dance over my phone screen.Beep.
Dani: Oh God. He's hot. Why is hehot?
Dani: I can't represent him. I'd have to say these words in court: Your honor, my client, Throbbin Hood… I can't keep a straight face with thatname!
Dani: OMG. The money shot just happened, and his face does all this sexy contorting. Charlie, Google thisguy!!
Okay, so now I'm curious. I tap on Safari, type in “Throbbin Hood”—and laugh. You can't not. Up pop a million pictures andvideos.
Dani: Check outA Hole New World. I think it's someAladdinrip off. And OMG. There's a genie… His name is Johnny Depth. Where do they get thesenames?
I am not looking upA Hole New World. One of the thumbnails is a still of Throbbin gripping some redhead's hips. As soon as I press play, the smack of balls against thighs echoes around my living room. The girl is making all those high-pitched moans that sound like a dog's chew toy, but Throbbin Hood is hands down the hottest porn star I've ever seen. He looks like a high-end fashion model with full, pouty lips and a jawline that would make Brad Pittjealous.
Thanks to Dani, instead of binge-watchingUnsolved Mysteries, I dive intoRobocockand the highly acclaimedLittle Spermaid. To be honest, I can kind of see the appeal now. It must require serious talent to take an innocent fairy tale and taint it with a spread ofdicks.
God, I hope Dani takes thiscase.
Just as I place my phone on the coffee table, it dings again. I expect it to be Dani with another Throbbin Hood movie suggestion, but it'snot.
Elijah: I want to see you again.Soon.
Shit. For some reason, I feel dirty, like Elijah knows I was looking at porn. Like it matters. I'm a grown woman. I'm allowed to view adultmovies.
Elijah: Drinks onFriday?
Me: Just drinks? Not some kinkyparty?
