1
Seagulls caw. Turquoise waves lap at the sugar-white shoreline. Happy couples sit underneath palm trees and kiss. And here I am, the rim of my festive, three-dollar sombrero rippling in the breeze as I trudge across hot sand with a bottle of Jose Cuervo in hand, my lounge chair still a hundred yardsaway.
Freaking Cancun.This is where college kids come for spring break, not the place you come to celebrate divorces, unless your me. And yes,divorces, as in plural. Evidently, good friends don’t let friends divorcealone.
If the entire divorce thing isn’t bad enough, all I can think about as I trek across the beach is that the last time I was here, I had perky tits, and I possessed an annoyingly optimistic outlook on life. Now, the second my bikini top comes off, my boobs drop like the New Year Eve’s ball in Times Square—except without all the confetti and festivities. My optimism took a nose dive with the same force of gravity that weighed my drooping tits. I’m a thirty-five-year-old marriage counselor with a failed marriage tucked neatly under mybelt.
You could say that as of late, life has beaten me down and called me herbitch.
My calves are on fire by the time I reach our chairs. With a huff, I sink into the pink and white lounge between my two best friends, Dani andSteph.
Steph slathers on lip stain, puckering before she swats her brown hair out of her face. Eyeing the bottle in my hand, she grins. “Well, that’s definitelyadrink.”
“Look, my goal here is to get drunk, and the margarita mix gives meindigestion.”
“Charlie, after having to fuck Missionary-Style-Harold for ten years, you deserve to drink straight from the bottle like a wino.” She clinks her massive margarita to Jose’s neck and then leans across my lap to tap her glass against Dani’s Pina Colada. “And happy divorce to you, too, sugarplum.”
“Fuck you, Steph.” Dani piles her blond hair into one of those perfect, messy buns on the first try. She’s a pro at those and chopsticks; she’s just not so lucky in the lovedepartment.
“Harold was…” Steph gags and puffs out her cheeks, pretending to hold in vomit. “At leastSeanwas hot.” Snorting, she grabs Dani’s sunburned shoulder and gently shakesit.
Dani glares at her. After all, Cancun was Steph’s idea. She swore it would give us a boost of confidence. Being surrounded by teenagers with tight asses hasn’t proven to be a massive boost to myconfidence.
“Steph!” I try to discreetly dig sand out of my butt crack. “Sean was amooch.”
“But…he was ahotmooch,” Stephargues.
Dani swears under her breath, threatening to punchSteph.
“He was awful!” I can’t help but chime in. “And that’s putting itmildly.”
When Dani started dating Sean three years ago, we told her he was bad news, but she refused to listen. He wooed her with flowers and, from what she told us, mind-blowing sex. One trip to Turks and Caicos and she came back married, with a wedding ring he purchased onherAmericanExpress.
I lean over the arm of my beach chair. “Heliedabout being a lawyer. And from the second Dani married him, he did nothing but sit around naked on her couch and playCall ofDuty.”
Dani groans, slurping back the last of her drink. “Can we please stop talking about Sean? And, for the record, I met him at a law school party. He said he had an internship with David and Meeks Law Firm. How was I supposed to know that was just a ploy to meetwomen?”
“Hereallywas a genius.” Steph shrugs. “I mean, I get why you hate him, but still…he was the most driven bum I’ve everknown.”
“Just shut up, Steph!” Dani pushes up from her lounge chair, kicking sand on Steph’s legs when she staggers a fewsteps.
“Where are you going?” Iask.
“I’ve got to check in withBill.”
“Would you just sit down?” Steph finds a broken conch shell and chucks it at Dani, missing her by at least a foot. “Stop trying to micromanage your work. Bill’s a big boy. He can handle hisshit.”
Dani shakes her head and rolls her eyes. “Bill is anintern! He doesn’t know the beans when the bag isopen.”
Steph glances at me with a raised brow. “Whatthe helldoes that mean? I don’t speak uptightlawyer.”
“Let me put it into terms you’ll understand.” I pat Steph’s shoulder. “He doesn’t know his ass from a hole in theground.”
“Ah!”
Before we can argue with Dani any longer, she starts down the beach with her phone to her ear, already shouting at Bill for beingincompetent.
“She works too much.” Steph is matter of fact and rarely keeps her opinion toherself.
