She hugged me, and I let her, but I just stood there staring across the street at the people milling in and out of the drugstore. “Give it time,” shesaid.
“It’s not that big of a deal,” I lied. “Just annoyingreally.”
She cocked a brow at me. “He defloweredyou.”
“Okay, so I slept with him. Big deal. I would have eventually slept with somebody, right? May as well have been him.” I started toward the car. “He didn’t even know.” The locks clicked, and I opened thedoor.
“What? Are you kidding me? You didn’t tell him!” Meg stood a few feet behind the car with her mouth gapingopen.
“No.”
“Jesus, Hannah. That’s kinda something you tell a guy, youknow?”
“Like it would havemattered.”
She walked around to the passenger side and got in the car. I cranked the engine and backed out of the spot. “I don’t want to talk about it,okay?”
“Okay.”
______
Momma was sitting in the living room with Daddy and Bo, watching some cooking show when I came in. “Let me see your nails,” shesaid.
“I didn’t get themdone.”
“What? Whynot?”
“Judy’s was toocrowded.”
She narrowed hereyes.
“I’m gonna go hop in the shower,” I said, heading straight up the stairs. When I reached the top, the memory of Noah carrying me up to my room flashed through my mind. I stopped, gripping the railing and taking a breath before I pushed the thought of him away. I had more important things to worry about. I couldn’t waste my energy on someone who wouldn’t waste theirs on me. I grabbed clothes from my room, and when I stepped back into the hallway, Momma was coming up the steps. She glanced through the banister at me and shook herhead.
“Come on, sweet girl,” she said when she reached the top of the stairs. I followed her into her room and she closed the door. “Now, what’s goingon?”
I shook my head. “I think I screwedup.”
“Oh, honey, we all screw up.” She laughed before taking my hand in hers. “Hannah, look at me.” She skimmed her hand over my chin. “I’m no fool. I know my time’s almost up, but you know what? The best thing about my life has been being a mother. So, please, humor me a little longer and let me mother you.” She smiled. “Don’t shut meout.”
I swallowed, my eyeswatering.
“And don’t feel guilty for having a life outside of this… this sadness, okay? I know you, Hannah Marie. Don’t you feelguilty.”
I stared at the floor still fighting thosetears.
She guided me over to the bed and took a seat, patting the spot next to her. “Did that boy hurtyou?”
“I just misunderstood him, it doesn’t matter though. It’snothing.”
She nodded slowly. “The thing you need to remember throughout life, Hannah, the prettiest lies can fall like honey from someone’s lips. Lying with your mouth takes little effort, lying with your heart… that takes a lot. You can say you hate someone, but it means nothing if your heart yearns forthem.”
But he never lied. He told me I meant something to him, and I’m sure I did. I was the liar—I lied to myself. “He’s not the kind of guy Ineed.”
“Maybenot…”
She swept my hair behind my ear before pulling my head onto her shoulder. “You know, when you were a baby, this was the best feeling.” She patted my shoulders. “You fit right here on me, right on my chest and you would nuzzle up. It was the best feeling in the world, and no matter how old you get, it always willbe.”
I closed my eyes, trying to burn this moment into my mind, filing it in that place where it would be safe forever, so when I missed her I could remember what it felt like to haveher.
