“And I don’t want to know if theyhave.”
God, she drove me crazy. I fisted her hair and slammed my lips over hers. The subtle hint of cherry transferred from her mouth to my tongue, just a reminder of how innocent she really was. Literally. It was like a mixture of apprehension and fear, timid lust. If Hannah had been any other girl, I would have gladly tainted her in ten seconds flat. But she wasn’t any other girl. She was the girl that made me believe I could be a better person. Kissing her, I imagined, was an experience akin to when an atheist saw God for the firsttime.
Spiritual.
Something you know you’ll never forget. She almost made me forgive myself for all the stupid things I’d done in my life, for all the hate I’d held on to for so long. I could see where loving her could make me let that all go, because it would seem so inconsequential. Isn’t there a saying love saves all? Well, if there’s not. There should be. It’s what we live our entire lives in search of, even the shittiest person wants someone to love them. And while it wouldn’t take much for a guy like me to feel loved, a girl like her—someone who grew up with a storybook family, picture perfect home—hell, how could a guy like me ever be capable of loving herenough?
Slowly, I backed her toward the bed, my lips never leaving hers until she fell down onto the mattress. The way her dark hair splayed out over the white sheets seemed like art, and it caused me to bite my lip on a groan. “You don’t know what you do to me,” I mumbled as I carefully lowered myself on top ofher.
“Likewise,” she whispered against mylips.
We kissed, simply kissed, for what felt like hours. Until my lips were raw and swollen. Until, for the first time, I appreciated what it felt like to want someone. Not that superficial bullshit want, but really, honest to God want someone. There was this heavy pull, like being caught in a riptide. Something that stirred a bit of panic in my chest because I knew I was in over my head, but at the same time, it was almost freeing because I knew I was no longer in control of any ofit.
When I pulled away, she stared up at me, studying me while lazily threading her fingers through my hair. “Do you think everyone we meet has apurpose?”
“What do youmean?”
“I don’t know, maybe fate. Just, do you think there’s a reason we meet everyone wemeet?”
I rolled onto my back, dragging her with me and brushing my fingers through her long hair. “Meet or just runinto.”
“Meet, Iguess.”
“So not the random guy with the squinty eyes that always makes my sub atSubway?”
She laughed. “No.”
“Okay, just had to be sure. I mean, I don’t know. Maybe. I’m sure you could make a reason if you wantedto.”
She traced over the indention in the middle of my chest. “I like to think thereis.”
“Youdo?”
“Yeah, especially withyou.”
I smiled even though she couldn’t see me, but just as quickly as that comment made me feel good, it made me feel like crap. There were so many ways I could fuck up, so many ways I could ruin her. Just as easily as I thought she could love me, I knew she could hate me. That line between love and hate is fucking fragile. And as much as I wanted her to love me, I’m a firm believer that you’ll never hate anyone you didn’t love. I swallowed. Hannah was not a girl I ever wanted to hateme.
“What are you thinkingabout?”
“I don’t know.” I stared up at the ceiling. “How right thisfeels.”
She snuggled against my chest and kissed my throat. “It really does.” There was a moment of silence, a moment where she stilled, and I thought she’d drifted off to sleep. “This is the first time in a long time I haven’t been afraid to fall asleep,” shesaid.
My brow wrinkled. “What?”
“I’m always afraid if I fall asleep, I’ll wake up and she’ll begone.”
Damn.My pulse beat a little faster. I didn’t know how to respond to that, but it damn near broke my heart forher.
“That’s stupid, isn’tit?”
“No.”
“I know it could happen anytime. I’ve held patient’s hands at ten in the morning while they took they’re last breath, but…” She exhaled, and I held her more tightly, kissing the top of her head. “I think that’s it. I think it’s the thought of her dying alone in her sleep that bothers me so much. I just want to be there for her, and maybe that way neither of us will be asscared.”
I closed my eyes. There was so much sorrow in her voice, so much guilt. All I wanted to do was protect her, but how do you begin to protect someone from life? “You know you’re safe here, right? Cry if you needto.”
She shook her head. “I’m fine when I’m withyou.”
