4
Finn
The warm afternoonsun beats at my back, the heat soaking through my leather jacket until I'm sweating.I brace my forearms against the tank of my bike, propping one boot up on the foot rest.
Birds tweet in the nearby trees and the distant chatter of women drifts over fromthe school gatesacross the field. A bell rings, shrill and loud, and then there's the excited screaming of childrenas they pour through the front doors of the school and onto the playground. I watch the children rushing to meet their parents and then, I spotLydia. My chest grows tight and a smile works its way over my lips. Lydia’s blonde pigtails bounce as she skips across the schoolyard, the pink ribbons tiedatthe ends catching in the breeze. The pink and purple backpack she has on looks too big for her tiny frame. She smiles before stepping up to Kiera’s Audi A3 that's always waiting for her.
She takes her backpack off and tosses it inside and then Kiera’s walking around the side of the car to help her as she awkwardly climbs into the back seat. Kiera’s all smiles, laughing as she walks back around to the driver’s side and climbs inside. I inhale, swallowing back that familiar ache in my chest as I remember the last time I actually held Lydia.
The aromaof coffee wraps around me when I step into the house. Cartoons are on the TV and Lydia is in her rocker, a wide toothless smile aimed my way. My heart warms the same way it always does when I see her. Little tufts of wispy blonde hair stick up on her head, catching in the sunlight that’s drifting through the bay window.
“Hey, baby girl.” I unbuckle the straps and pick her up, holding her to my chest. I place a kiss to her head, the sweet smell of baby lotion drifting up. “I missed you today,” I say, turning around with her in my arms. It’s then that I notice the two suitcases sitting in the corner of the living room. The floorboard in the hallway creeks and I turn. Kiera’s leaning against the doorframe, her arms folded over her chest, her gaze aimed at the floor.
“What’s going on?” I ask. Without a word, she steps into the living room and reaches for Lydia. I take a step back and frown. “Kiera?”
She looksup and all I see is a world of pain on her beautiful features. Her hazel eyes are swimming with unshed tears, her teeth gnawing at her bottom lip the way it always does when she’s anxious. “Please, give her to me,” she whispers.
Inhaling, I glance down at Lydia and my heart slams against my ribs in a fit of panic. I kiss her head once before I reluctantly hand her to Kiera.“Kiera, don’t do this.”
She closes her eyes on a breath. “I love you Finn,” she looks up at me, “but you’re too unpredictable. I want to help you, I do, but I can’t do this anymore.” Her voice breaks right along with anything good that was left in me. “Ihavetried,” she says through tears.
I clench my fist as I fight back the wave of pain that suddenly transforms into rage. I breathe in and out to try and keep it under control. She presses her palm against Lydia’s back and my gaze locks on the bruise covering her forearm. I close my eyes and exhale. I did that to her. I love her. I would never hurt her, and yet— I did. “I need you, Kiera,” I say. “Please give me a chance.”
“I packed your clothes. I’ll send you the rest of your things when you’re settled.” Tears sting my eyes and I swallow around the lump in my throat.
“I’m going to get help, Kiera.” I grit my teeth. “I promise. Please just…just givemethat chance.”
She nuzzles her face against Lydia’s neck. I step toward her and place my hand on Lydia’s head, stroking her downy hair as tears trail down my cheeks.
IcupKiera’s cheek and I hate myself when she flinches, her eyes fluttering shut on a hitched breath. “I love you,” I whisper as I lean in and gently kiss her. “Look after my baby girl.” I brush my lips over Lydia’s cheek, fighting back the urge to completely break down. “Be good.”
And then Iturn and pick up the two suitcases before I walk out of the house we bought together on the street near the schoolthat Lydia will one day attend.
The taillightsto Kiera’s car flash on, snapping me from my thoughts. Five years ago, I walked out on my whole life.On all the dreams and hopes, allthe bright visions of a future with my family shattered. What war couldn’t completely desecrate, Kiera did, and I can’t even blame her. I was half a man, unfit to be a husband or a father. Now though, things are different. I’m different. I got help. I sorted my head out. I want to see her, but Kiera has done everything in her power to stop me. So, for now this is what I'm resigned to:watching my daughter from adistance, wishing I could see her smile, feel her small arms wraparound my neck.I hate the idea that one day Lydia’s going to ask Kiera about me, that she'll think Iabandoned her when I never did. I'm always here. Every school day, just trying to catch aglimpseof her.I’m trying to do what I can to be able to see her.
Idigmy phone from my pocket and call David Winton, my solicitor.
“Hello?”
“Hey, it’s Finn West. I was just wondering where we stand with getting my custody rights revisited?”
“Still working on it, Finn. Tons of paperwork to file, people to sweet talk. Give me another few weeks, alright? I’ll call you.”
“I’ll callyou back in two weeks.”
“Sounds great.” And he hangs up.
Sighing, I roll my bike off the kick stand and start the engine. Theroarof the exhausts draws the attention of everyone nearby. I pull my helmet over my head and revthe throttle, sending the tires screeching over the tarmac.
By the time I get home, that same cold reality is setting in: the life I was supposed to live is so near, yet so very far.I leave my bike at the curb and head up to my flat, lost in my thoughts. Assoon asIreach the top of the stairs, I groan. Hope's sitting next to the door,scrolling through her phone.
"Whatare you doing here?"Fucking hell, pleasego home.
Glancing up from her phone, she huffs and gracelessly clamours to her feet. "I came to see you, you ungrateful cunt," she says in thatliltingIrish accent.
Iglareat her before I shove the key in the lock, open the door, and step inside. I go to close the door, but she grabs it just before it shuts.
"Donot makeme cut you,Finnley!" She shoves the door open with herhipandfoldsher arms overherchestas sheglares back at me.
