Big Bear: Where are you?
Vaughn: Did you leave?
Me: I'm just outside.I spilled a drink.I just needed some air.
Big Bear: Coming.
Me: No.Please don't!
Me: Please enjoy your party.I'm Okay.Really, I am.
Vaughn: Are you sure?
Me: 100%.Please just have a good time.I'm tired.I'm going home to go to bed.
Big Bear: I don't like this.How will you get home?Just let us come out and talk to you.
Me: I'm getting an Uber.I'm good, I swear.Please don't leave your party.
Vaughn: We love you.Please be safe.
Me: I love you both.Have fun.I'll bring lunch tomorrow and you can tell me all about Eli's drunken karaoke.
Big Bear: (laughing emoji) You know me too well.Text us when you get there to let us know you made it.
Me: Will do, Big Bear.(Kiss face emoji)
HONK!HONK, HONK!!
"WooHoo there, sexy.Need a ride?"
The middle-aged dumbass is hanging out the passenger window and all I can think isTLC taught me better, jackass.
Flipping the scrub the bird, I open the app and order my Uber.Not wanting to draw more attention to myself by standing in front of the bar, I put in an address I know two blocks down.I love nights in this city.The air is fresh, and the heat has calmed to a balmy low 70s.
I'm leaning against the back of a bus bench when I hear someone walking nearby.At first, I don't look up.I don't want to make eye contact.Doesn't that make me an easy target though?How have I never thought of that?If I can't see them coming, they have the upper hand.They can strike first.
Looking up in the direction I hear the steps coming from, I see a man in black joggers and a black zip up hoodie.He has his hands in his pockets and he's looking down at his feet as he walks.He looks unthreatening like he isn't paying attention, but I get a twinge of...not fear...but...readiness.My body is poised and ready for action.My brain is running through simulations.What is my brain not doing?Panicking.My brain is not panicking.I have such clarity.What is this familiar feeling?It's volleyball.This feeling is volleyball.I'm in my element in this desolate street with this stranger.I'm confident and I am ready for anything.
I turn my gaze away from the stranger because I don't want to be the creep who can't stop staring at the innocent bystander.
His steps slow and he says, "Hey, you okay?"
Turning to look back at him, I see that he's stopped a few feet away from me.He's looking at me with concern etched on his face.
"Yeah.I'm fine.Thanks.I'm just waiting for my ride.It'll be here any minute."
"You know, this isn't the best neighborhood to be hanging out in at this time of night."
"Yeah, I'll be fine.I won't be here long enough to get up to any trouble.Like I said, my ride will be here any minute.They're just around the corner."
I look down to my phone at the open Uber app to see if I'm telling this guy the truth when I hear him move.The stranger scrapes the sidewalk with his shoes as he lunges for me.I attempt a sidestep, but I'm not quick enough and he's able to cover my mouth and get an arm around my chest.Instinctively, I shrink in on myself, folding my shoulders inward, making my body smaller and his grip looser.I drop to the ground, wrapping both legs around one of the newly dubbed dick-stain strangers’ legs.I then wrap both of my arms around his other leg hanging on for dear life as he reaches down and grips me around the waist, trying to pull me up off the ground.
He can't.He's at an awkward angle and using only two arms while I'm using the full strength of my entire body braced against the ground.All I have to do is hang on until my ride gets here and I can scream for them to call the police.That's not all I want to do though.I want to hurt this shit-rolling dung beetle.I scrap the risk vs.benefits analyses that I know I should conduct before making a move on this bargain bin villain and I just react.I lean my head in toward the meatiest part of his calf while he continues to focus on pulling me up and I bite, HARD.He cries out in pain and attempts to take a step, but I still have him by the legs, so he stumbles.
I bite him again and this time, I feel the skin burst beneath the thin material of his joggers.He cries out again, only this time it's shrill.That's right, asshole.You fucked around and now, you're finding out.He falls backwards onto his ass and reaches for the leg that I'm still gripping with every bit of upper body strength that I have left.It's then that I hear a woman yelling.
"Hey!What's going on?"
