"Nathan planted the anxiety in your hypnotherapy sessions."
He pauses to let that sink in.My mind is in chaos.So many thoughts and no rationale for any of them.Why?What would Nathan gain by causing me to have anxiety?How would it even be possible to give another person an anxiety disorder?
"That's not possible."I don't want it to be possible.I've been crippled by this disorder for two years.It can't be fake.
Adam moves from his perch on the dresser and comes over to me.He scoops me off the bed in both arms, sitting himself down and settling me in his lap.
"He became obsessed with you the first time he saw you.He wanted you, but he knew it would take time and that you had to at least be eighteen.The piece of shit didn't want to jeopardize his job.He believed you would love him and that there would be no consequences to the...relationship if you were of legal consenting age."He says relationship like he's choking down bile at the thought of me in a relationship with my psychologist.
"He told you under hypnosis that people would hurt you and that you had to be wary of them.He didn't want you to be completely alone though.He was concerned about the combination of your past traumas and loneliness resulting in depression, so he centered your fear around groups.He thought that if you were afraid to go to parties...social gatherings, you wouldn't likely be popular or have many friends.This would decrease the opportunity for meeting other men."
Adam inhales deeply and holds it for a moment before slowly releasing the breath through his mouth.He's trying to remain calm...for me.He's raging on the inside because he's trying to keep it there...inside.
"His intention was to give you a fear of judgment and scrutiny.He speculated that the anxiety manifested in a fear of attack because of the trauma you've experienced.He did nothing to dissuade this, however.He felt that it made the anxiety stronger, and he was right.You never got better because your fear was for your own survival.If your fear had been rooted in judgment, you likely would've overcome this long ago, given that you don't actually give a shit what people think.The fear for your survival was already there.It's rooted deep somewhere in the memories you've repressed."
Why does any of this sound plausible?This is like something straight out of a Freida McFadden novel.That's why it sounds plausible.All that shit could happen.It just doesn't happen to people like me.
"So, I guess this is why he fought my move to Austin so hard.He wanted me to stay close to him in Warwick."
Adam nods against the crown of my head.
"Was there anything in there about the blackout or the dissociation or whatever?"
"Yes.He theorized that you dissociated because your anxiety was already heightened due to the crowd of unfamiliar people.He mentioned some of the fights you had been in previously.There was only ever you and one to three other people around at the time of the altercations.You didn't feel as threatened."
This is true.I didn't.Those were some pretty violent incidents, and I remember everything.
"Admittedly, I agree with his assessment.You knocked the fuck out of that guy last night and you were fine until you saw us at the door.Your gaze went blank for a moment and then, you seemed to come back to yourself once you recognized us.I think the dissociation happened because of this fear he implanted in your mind."
My shoulders shake and my body rocks with the silent sobs I can't contain.
"How could he do this to me?I thought we were friends.I trusted him."
"Don't cry, Love.I'm going to help you.We're going to figure out a way to get rid of the fear and I'm going to make sure that Nathan regrets everything he's done to you."
"No.Please.Let's just put it all behind us.Don't do anything to him.I'm sure he's already in quite a lot of pain this morning anyway, right?"
Again, he nods.
"Promise me that you'll let this go.I just want to move on from this."
There's a heavy silence.So heavy that I know he doesn't believe he can make this promise.
"Adam-"
"I can't.I'm sorry, Love.I can't promise you that.No one gets to hurt you.You're mine, Eve.You're mine."
His admission doesn't surprise me.I knew it was coming.I felt it.
I lift up to look into his eyes."You can't?This is what I need from you, and you can't do this for me?Why?Because it's what YOU need?I need to move on, and I need you to come with me.Can you do that or not?"
His frantic, desperate eyes search mine for any sign that I'll let this go.That I'll let him do what he needs to do.He doesn't see it.His eyes clench tightly shut and he nods once again.Putting his forehead to mine, he finally responds in a whisper."I promise."
........................
Nathan apparently kept a log on his laptop going back before he even met me.I choose not to read the earlier stuff.I don't even want to know if there were others that he did this to.Cotton will report him to the Maryland Board of Examiners of Psychologists, and he will never have the opportunity to do this to anyone else again.That has to be enough for me.Well, that and knowing that he was undoubtedly suffering from more than a couple of jabs to the jaw before Cotton and Cal finished in that room.
Time passes differently after the incidents of that night.Our offer on the house ends up in a bidding war between Adam and two other potential buyers that takes over a week, but it feels like a day.Possibly because I have no doubt that Adam will win.Adam doesn't lose at anything.He wanted a full ride to Eden even though he didn't need it.He got it.He wanted the Heisman.He got it.Twice.He wanted me; he got me within a day.I refuse to dwell on what that says about me.True to form, he got us the house.I have no idea what he paid for it, and it doesn't really matter.He was right.I will take full time care of our children when we have them, and money can't buy that time and care.
