Page 71 of Of Flesh & Bone


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Nathan appears to soften a little."I'm concerned about that, Butterfly.I am.I just don't think that we should blindly accept the timeline of events laid out by these complete strangers.You and I have known each other for a long time now.We trust one another.I say we just hold off on gobbling up everything these men tell us until we have more information."

Looking away from Nathan, I simply nod.He isn't going to be convinced of anything yet.It's going to take time for him to see that these men truly want what's best for me.That's understandable.He doesn't know them like I do, and it's probably pretty difficult to believe that I attempted to unalive a complete stranger.

"What about hypnosis?We haven't had a session in a long time.I was thinking that maybe when you come to town, you could try to pull out some of my memories again.Maybe, if I could understand my past, I could understand what happened and why I'm like this."

Nathan sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose."There's nothing wrong with you, Butterfly.You're perfect the way you are.You have no problems with me, with your parents, with your roommates.There are no problems when you're playing the game.Don't you see that your problems stem from this new relationship?Everything was fine before you brought this boy into your life."

I can't believe what I am hearing.I avoid crowded grocery stores because I can't be around people.I wear a hoodie in ninety-five-degree Austin weather to hide my face.He doesn't see a problem with that?I was doing these things long before I met Adam.Adam is not the problem.Maybe the problem is that my psychologist doesn't see a need for me to get better.

"I hide behind clothing.I don't go to public places out of fear.What kind of quality of life can I expect to have if I can't be around more than three people at a time?"My words spill out in a rush leaving Nathan looking surprised and confused.

"We're working on all of that."

I don't let him continue."We are?What are we doing?I am no less fearful of crowds now than I was a year ago.In fact, my fear has actually gotten worse since my adoption.I never used avoidance before in the same way that I do now.Admittedly, avoidance is probably better than fighting or running away like I used to, but it's still not a healthy form of coping.Surely, you agree with that?"

Nathan's eyes narrow on me before he gives me a smile that doesn't meet his eyes."I think you're right, Butterfly.A hypnotherapy session could help uncover some of the underlying issues involved with your disorder.Let's plan a session for my visit.We can go to your game and then have dinner at my hotel after the session."

His hotel?Internally, I roll my eyes to the back of my skull.Adam is going to shit a literal brick over this one.There's no way that I can tell him.I need to do this.I need to find out about my past and all he will see is that I'm in a hotel with another man.

"Okay.Sounds good.I'll plan for that."

Nathan's smile is genuine now.He's back to himself."Good.That's good, butterfly.I look forward to seeing you."

"Yeah.Me too.See you then."I disconnect the call and use my grounding techniques to center myself.I do not feel good about this.Deep breath in.Slooooow breath out.Focus on the breathing.

I think to myself,five things I can see?I see the bed.I see the picture of me and my roommates.I see my hands.I see my desk.I see Adam's textbook.

Four things I can feel?I feel my hair.I feel my sheet.I feel the texture on the wall.I feel the lampshade.

Three things I can hear?I hear the living room TV.I hear the clicking of my pen.I hear a bird outside my window.

Two things I can smell?I smell the scent of shampoo in my hair.I smell the fabric softener on my sheets.

One thing I can taste?Getting a mint out of my bedside table, I pop it into my mouth.I taste the wintergreen of this mint and foreboding.Something is coming.I can taste it as surely as I can taste this mint.










CHAPTER 23