‘Just one, I think.’ Loren sighed. ‘I spoiled any chance I had with Julia when I made fools of us both in the Forum. No one takes a mad boy as an heir.’
Felix sniffed. ‘Never liked her anyway. You can do better.’
‘I hope so.’ Loren shot a sideways glance and Felix’s heart skipped.
He busied his hands by popping grapes into his mouth. When he held out a handful, a peace offering, the corner of Loren’s mouth tilted. Together they ate until they’d emptied the bag and only Mercury’s helmet remained.
With careful fingers, Felix drew it out. It seemed safe as anything out here on the side of a mountain. Stravo wouldn’t know a thing about it, wouldn’t care even if he did. The lower class didn’t get involved in the affairs of the rich. Too messy. Too much to lose.
Case in point: Felix, with this headache of a helmet.
‘They were after this,’ he said. ‘You called me clever, but I’m not. I’m lucky. Lucky Adolphus was there to stop them. Though, if what you said the other night is true, I suppose Servius wants me alive anyway.’
Loren hovered his hand a scant inch above the metal. ‘The one element I keep returning to is – why you? I know I asked before, and I know you don’t want to discuss it, but . . . what makes you special, Felix?’
‘You also said you wouldn’t ask again.’
‘Let me help you,’ Loren said. ‘Let me in. What does the helmet mean to you?’
When Felix looked, Loren’s whole body was turned to him. The scrutiny shook the foundations of his walls, made him itch to build higher, reinforce his weaknesses. But Loren was the type to come back with rope for climbing. He saw Felix when other eyes skated past.
A spark of a memory flared to life, deep in the recesses of Felix’s mind. He followed it down. ‘There’s a temple to Mercury in Rome, on the Aventine Hill. Mercury has a soft spot for thieves. My da’ and I spent a lot of time there.’
‘You’re a ward of Mercury? And you never thought to mention this before?Felix.’
‘I didn’t remember, all right?’ Only a partial lie. Of course Felix remembered, now that he thought about it. The connection lurked,fizzling out of sight, but obscured. Veiled, like most of his memories.
Loren pinched the bridge of his nose. ‘I wondered. It was my first theory, actually, that perhaps you’re able to handle the helmet because you have a divine association to Mercury. A priest’s blessing.’
Priest. Nausea swelled. Felix turned the helmet to inspect the interior. Another memory thread tugged, this time of curled fists and booming voices. Bitter poppy sap on his tongue. He could unravel this one. Pull the string, see how it loosened. See where it sprang from.
‘That can’t be it.’ Felix swallowed back rising bile. ‘My da’ killed the priest.’
‘Oh.’
‘My da’ wasn’t bad.’ Suddenly, it felt of utmost importance that Loren understood. ‘He did it for a reason. He wasn’t bad.’
‘I believe you.’
‘I – just . . .’ Felix kicked the empty air. ‘I don’t recall the reason. But sometimes I remember being at the temple without him. He left me with the priest while he worked. Stole. Whatever.’
The memory snapped, refusing to unspool into clarity.
‘And?’
Felix shook his head. He had reached that gate in his mind, beyond which was only a poppy-sap-muffled blur. This time, no prodding thumbs materialised to coax out more.
‘That’s all there is. So you see, that’s why I don’t know how to believe. Memories of any faith I had are no longer mine, and what I do have . . .’ Felix’s throat tightened, the corners of his eyes itching. ‘I’m afraid of what I’m missing.’
‘So you choose not to think of it,’ Loren finished.
‘Easier not to dwell, not to look too far ahead, but faith demands both. How do you give yourself to devotion and trust you won’t be used?’ Humiliated, Felix scrubbedhis face.
‘It’s a comfort, I suppose,’ Loren mused. ‘Believing there’s intention behind what happens. Trusting that hurt isn’t random.’
A humourless laugh tore from Felix’s chest. ‘That pain is supposed to mean something isn’t a comfort. I never asked to be part of that story.’
‘Oh, that’s not what I meant at all. It’s less that I think there is a reason for hurt, and more that faith gives us grace to heal. To come out the other side to try again,’ Loren said. ‘I follow Isis for a reason, you know. Livia used her connections to get me into the temple, but I chose devotion on my own.’
