This is going to be great. I just know it.
6
emily
Iwoke up feeling hopeful this morning. After what feels like a constant string of bad luck, I’m finally getting my feet back under me. Feeling the world spin out of control has been a dreadful, disorienting experience, and I’ve struggled to regain my bearings. Since New Year’s Eve, I felt trapped on the endlessly rotating merry-go-round, the relentless motion making me feel sick as I unsuccessfully searched for a way off of the nightmarish ride.
In all honesty, the subtle cracks in my life had been widening for months, like a slow, silent collapse, while I remained blissfully unaware, my head buried in the sand. I stubbornly avoided acknowledging the glaring red flags that ultimately caused my longest relationship to fail.
With the start of the year came a new perspective, and I revisited my interactions with Logan over the past few months, filtering them through this newfound clarity. A month or so ago, we were hanging out with his coworker and his wife; she and I had become friends. Something felt off, but I thought I was overreacting. Later, I asked Logan if anything seemed off. He acted like everything was fine and ignored my worries. Lookingback, I wonder if he’d told his friends he was going to dump me before he actually did.
The strong vibrations of Spike’s comforting purr help me focus on the present moment. I give him a gentle pet and scratch him under his chin in appreciation. Buffy is snoring softly by my feet.
I rescued Buffy and Spike when they were kittens. I was scrolling on Facebook when I came across a post from someone I went to high school with, asking if anyone was looking to adopt any kittens. Someone had dropped off their litter of kittens in a duct-taped plastic storage container with crude air holes in front of a pet store.
I was a broke nursing student, but having just gotten out of an emotionally abusive relationship, I felt a pang of sympathy for the plight of these poor kittens. Within hours of seeing the post, I was already at the pet store, which was an hour away from where I lived.
I picked Buffy first as she was the runt of the litter, and I’ve always had a soft spot for the underdog, or underkitten, if you will. While playing with all the kittens, I kept picking kittens others had already claimed. They were all friendly and cute, and I knew I would not be walking out with just one. Since I spend many hours studying either at my apartment or at the library on campus, I wanted to make sure my feline friends had at least each other for company.
Just as I was about to admit defeat, a small gray and white tuxedo kitten came slowly over to me. He had been sitting in the corner while I was playing with his littermates. He didn’t seem inclined to leave his corner until then.
I felt a connection to the poor guy. He seemed shy and skittish. I knew he would need extra love and attention to come out of his shell. If nothing else, I knew that nobody could love him more than me.
I was right about Spike, whom I named after my favorite vampire from a popular TV show. He disliked being held or petted. He was almost always hiding while his sister, whose namesake arose from the same show, ran around exploring her new world fearlessly.
The only time Spike came out of his hiding place was when I was sleeping. When he finally worked up the courage to approach me, he always came to tuck his head in my hands. I’d wake up to him demanding that I pet him every night for months until he became more comfortable asking for affection when I was awake.
They are a few years old now and have been my constant companions. I graduated from nursing school last year and have been at the same nursing job in a busy and overwhelming medical-surgical unit for the past year.
Yawning, I try to stretch carefully so I don’t accidentally dislodge Spike from his perch. Despite my strategic maneuvering, he gets up in a huff and lays down next to me.
I grab my phone and see that I slept in until 10 a.m. Checking my messages, I see that Ben and I had exchanged numbers last night so we could keep in contact.
Since we’re going to be roommates, after all.
Groaning, I roll over and decide to send him another message now that we’re both sober, even though I only had one drink last night. I didn’t see Ben with more than a couple of drinks the whole time, either.
“Hey, Ben! It’s Emily. Are you still okay with being roommates?”
I hit send and try not to think too hard about how my message might come across.
I get up to use the bathroom and wash up for the day. My plans today comprise packing, cleaning, and avoiding Logan as much as possible since I know it’s also his day off today.Normally, we would get up together to make breakfast, but ever since he told me he didn’t love me anymore, I’ve felt uncomfortable around him.
My phone vibrates as I get a new message. It’s from Ben, and I feel my heart race a little at seeing his name flash across the screen. I open up my messages to see his response.
“Yep! Still good to be roomies ;)”
Winky face? Is he flirting with me with emojis? My cheeks flush with the possibility. I’ve always found Ben attractive, but he has always been with Melissa, so I never thought of him as anything other than a mutual friendly acquaintance.
“Just wanted to mention again that I have 2 cats. Are you okay with living with cats?”
This is the deal breaker, for sure. I needed to know that whoever I lived with next would be cat-friendly. Even though Logan eventually warmed up to my two shadows, it took a while before he let them go upstairs into our bedroom. It was so hard for me to not have my sleeping buddies, but since I was the one who moved into Logan’s space, I didn’t want to upset him. The cats eventually won him over, though.
“I love cats,” he replies.
Well, okay then. This is really happening. I didn’t realize how anxious I was until I let out a big breath. I guess a part of me just thought that it was too good to be true. After struggling to find an affordable apartment, one just fell into my lap, albeit because of selfish motivations on Logan’s part, but I am not about to look a gift horse in the mouth. Then, after days of trying to find a roommate, Ben agrees with no questions.
I can’t help but feel like maybe this year wouldn’t be so terrible after all.
