I want to pinch myself. This all seems too good to be true. If this is a dream, I hope I never wake up from it. After how the year started, I think I deserve all the good things happening in my life lately.
Things moved pretty quickly after we did a walk-through of the house a few days after our drive. I don’t know what I expected, but it certainly wasn’t us closing on the house a few days before Christmas. We get to pick up our new house keys in a couple of days, and now I have to work on packing what I can handle.
I’m still struggling with pain most days, and it’s always worse at night. Despite trying to take things easy, I always push myself a little too much. To be honest, it’s not that hard to cross the line between uncomfortable but tolerable to severe pain and needing to lie in bed for the rest of the day. It’s frustrating, and I’m so tired of being in pain. I can’t even begin to imagine what people who experience chronic pain must feel.
I know there are probably pregnant women who have had worse pregnancies than mine, but it’s hard for me to accept thatI can’t even take the stairs or leave the house without paying for it later. It’s like my brain and body are at odds with my capabilities.
In a way, it’s a good thing I’m holed up inside the apartment. I’ve been folding and packing away clothes. It feels like I unpacked my bags just yesterday, but in reality, it has been nearly a year in this apartment.
Ben and I have made many wonderful memories together in such a short time. I never thought my life would look like this a year ago.
It’s kind of laughable to think back on the girl I was a year ago. I had my head buried so deep in the sand that I didn’t even pay attention to any of the signs that I was unhappy the entire time. I convinced myself that everything was fine and settled for what life had to offer.
Thoughts of Logan flicker across my mind as I continue to pack, but mostly, I’m glad he ended things the way he did. I don't know that Ben and I would have moved in together if he had waited any longer. It feels as if someone had to shake up my life a little in order for all the puzzle pieces to come together.
I wouldn’t change anything for the world.
40
emily
The move to our new home was relatively simple. Our friends were more than happy to help after we bribed them with pizza and beer. Amanda kept me company while Jason and the guys moved all the furniture. We sat in the kitchen and watched her son play on the floor. He’s about ready to walk, and every time I look at him, I can’t help but think that we’ll have one of our own soon. My chest fills with an indescribable warmth I didn’t know I was capable of.
I still have a couple of months before what I’ve started referring to as D-Day, as in delivery day. Having to move into a new home so close to D-Day is not something I would recommend to anyone else. It’s been stressful trying to make sure everything was perfect. We already let our landlord know we won’t be renewing the lease in February. He’s had a few people come by to tour the apartment. I’m not worried he’ll have any trouble filling the vacancy.
We found out the gender of the baby a few months ago. It’s been hard keeping it a secret, but with the new house and moving, I thought it would be a great opportunity to have a combined housewarming and gender reveal party. Ben and Iwant to keep the guest list small since we won’t have much set up in the house.
My parents said they’d be there, and I’m looking forward to the party.
It’s been a week since we moved into our new home, and the gender reveal and housewarming party is today. Our parents, siblings, and close friends are in attendance. I’m sitting on the couch, enjoying the feeling of being surrounded by the people that I love. I’ve been feeling more emotional lately, and I can’t blame it solely on pregnancy hormones anymore.
There have been so many things that have happened throughout the past few months that make me feel so thankful for what life has given me. Who knew I needed my heart broken in order to gain so many amazing things?
When it’s time to cut the cake, Ben hands me the knife so I can do the honors. I try not to make a mess of the gourmet cake I had custom-made from the same bakery that had made Ben’s birthday cake. I know as soon as people see the inside of the cake, they’ll know the gender.
I slice a small triangle and pull it out. I plate the cake and turn around to show everyone.
“It’s a girl!” someone screams. Everyone starts to cheer and clap, and I hand the knife back to Ben so he can continue cutting slices to serve everyone.
I grab the piece of cake I had and step over to my mom’s side. She’s been quiet, but I’m glad she came. I offer her the slice, and she hesitantly takes it from my hand.
“It’s a girl,” she breathes. Tears form in her eyes, and she looks down at the pink layers with white frosting. She accepts the fork and takes a bite of the dessert. I’ve never been happier to see someone eat cake.
41
emily
New Year’s Eve is fast approaching. While I have so much more to look forward to this year, I’ve learned to temper my expectations of the date. Am I less superstitious? No, not really, but I’ve learned that one bad event doesn’t make or break your entire year. In fact, there are so many things that can happen in the span of just 365 days.
It feels like it was so much longer than a year ago when Logan had sat me down and broke my heart. At the time, life had looked bleak and scary, but through sheer stubborn will and taking risks, my life has taken a whole different turn.
So, instead of fretting about how I was going to be spending the day, and given my advanced pregnancy and physical limitations, I decided to play it by ear. Ben asked if I wanted to do anything special to mark our first holiday together, and I gave him a non-committal answer. There were many options we could have opted for, and if I hadn’t been on bed rest, it would be fun to go out for a nice meal. But, really, all I want to do is stay home and watch the ball drop from the living room of our new house. Ben seems on board with whatever I want to do.
There’s always next year, at least.
“Five-minute warning until the ball drops!” I shout outside at Ben. He disappeared a couple of hours ago to do some work outside. The weather is unseasonably frigid, so I have no idea what he’s doing out there.
Ben pops his head out from the side of the house and smiles at me. I eye him suspiciously and go back inside. Waddling back to the couch, I try to get comfortable and prop my feet up, my hands absentmindedly stroking my belly. The baby kicks in response, and I smile. She’s most active at night. These days, I feel as big as a house, and everything hurts. I can’t wait to welcome our baby girl into the world in a few weeks.
