Once she’s seated again, we exchange glances, relaxing visibly as a sense of relief washes over us. The rest of the meal goes off without a hitch, and when we get ready to leave, my mom pulls me into a big hug. I’m so surprised by the show of affection and glance at Ben helplessly. I must look as confused as I feel, and he laughs at me—the jerk.
When she finally lets me go, we walk out together and say our goodbyes. Ben holds my hand and opens the car door for me. I take a deep breath as he makes his way around to the driver’s side and gets in. As soon as the door shuts, he turns his body to face me.
“Come here.” He grabs me, giving me a tight hug, and I burst into tears. He hushes me as I let it all out. After a couple of minutes, I finally lift my head and wipe my tears away. I blame it on the pregnancy hormones.
I never realized how much my parents’ absence in my life had impacted me until now. Hope fills me when I think of our future. I’m not naïve enough to believe that everything will be perfect, but the woman who sat across from me today was a completely different person than the one I knew growing up. I could tell byher demeanor and the aura she exuded. She looked happy and healthy, as if she no longer had this heavy weight dragging her down.
“I guess I needed that. Thank you.” Ben wipes an errant tear from my cheek and kisses my lips softly before pulling away. He rests his forehead against mine and looks into my eyes for a few seconds, and we soak in the moment.
37
emily
Iwish I could say that the rest of my pregnancy went well, but just as I was getting used to feeling like myself again, I hit a major setback. I was ecstatic when I started showing around sixteen weeks. While caring for a patient, I first felt the baby kicking at eighteen weeks. At first, I thought it was gas bubbles, but it felt like butterflies were tickling me on the inside. Once I realized what the sensation was, I ran to the main desk to tell my unit secretary, Eloise, the news. She was as excited as I was and gave me a quick hug before I went back to work.
Eloise is the unit’s grandmother. She was kind and welcoming to me when I first joined the team. She cried when I told her I was pregnant and made sure I didn’t do any heavy lifting. Unfortunately, heavy lifting is unavoidable with the type of patients that we care for. It often includes turning and repositioning patients who are medication-induced comas while their bodies need time to heal from trauma.
My last checkup was yesterday morning. I’m just a little over twenty-four weeks along, and though I am measuring small, the doctor seems happy with my progress. I was recently diagnosed with gestational diabetes, much to my dismay. I’m not thrilled about the restricted diet, but I am doing my best to keep myblood sugar levels in the normal range. However, I sometimes experience unexplained high blood sugar levels.
I also mentioned that I am having increased pain in my groin. The pain is most intense when walking or moving. The doctor told me it’s normal to feel pubic pain and chalked it up to me being petite. He left the exam room before I could ask any follow-up questions. His nonchalant response to my worry left a bitter taste in my mouth, but I convinced myself it was just my anxiety talking.
Today started off just like any other shift. I had to transport a sedated patient down to the imaging department, along with an entire team of other medical professionals. The patient required a ventilator to breathe, so it was all hands on deck. I took my lunch break, but I also had to make sure to eat throughout my shift. After a long shift at the hospital, I’m ready to put my feet up and rest. They aren’t swollen yet, but they need attention. Maybe Ben will massage them for me when he gets back.
Thoughts of how sweet Ben has been causes a small smile to spread across my face while a warm feeling spreads through me. He shows his love by taking care of me. I know he feels powerless as my body undergoes these significant transformations to grow our child. Pregnancy is both an amazing and terrifying experience.
Lately, our sex life has picked up, but he doesn’t pressure me into sex if I’m not feeling it. It hadn’t occurred to me how frequently Logan used guilt to coerce me into sleeping with him. Ben helped me realize that many of Logan’s seemingly harmless actions were actually emotionally manipulative. Being with Ben has helped me heal as I try to undo the damage that Logan caused. Logan’s charm immediately drew me in, and I felt content. I know that I’m partly to blame for allowing it to happen.
When I get home, I change out of my scrubs and relax on the couch. Ben isn’t home yet since he was at happy hour with some of his work buddies. He had invited me to join, but I declined. I haven’t felt up to socializing much outside of work lately.
I’m not sure how long I stay on the couch, but it must have been at least a couple of hours. When I move to get up off the couch, I almost fall to the floor at the intense pain that shoots through my groin and radiates down my back. I figure my legs must have fallen asleep or something, but when I try to walk, the pain only intensifies. It feels like I am being ripped apart at the crotch with each step that I take.
The pain hurts so much that I end up crawling on my hands and knees the rest of the way to my bedroom, and it takes a great deal of effort to heave myself onto the bed. Once I lay down, it’s almost impossible to get comfortable due to the pain. I swear I heard a popping noise earlier when I first got up off the couch, but I was half awake.
I must have fallen asleep because I wake up to Ben climbing into bed. He pulls me close to him so that he’s nestled against my back. He kisses me on my temple and whispers goodnight. I fall back asleep with his arms wrapped around me.
I woke up in pain again this morning. I had hoped that the back and pelvic pain would have gotten better overnight, but I guess not. Getting ready is difficult for me, and I’m getting concerned. I don’t remember being in this much pain before.
I’m due at work in an hour, and I worry about whether I’ll be able to finish my shift today. I don’t have any medicine besides prenatal vitamins in the apartment, so I ask Ben to pick up some Tylenol when he’s out and about later.
When I’m at work, the pain only gets worse despite trying to rest as much as possible. I informed my charge nurse that I might need to take on a lighter assignment today since I’m not feeling so well. She gave me a patient who requires one-to-onesupervision instead of our usual two-to-one ratio. I’m thankful, as that means I cut down the amount of walking I need to do between patients’ rooms.
By the end of my shift, I feel the worse for wear. I call Ben on the way home and tell him what’s going on. He meets me at the doorway and helps me walk up the stairs to our floor.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the baby since I’ve felt its kicks consistently throughout the day. I promise Ben that I’ll call my doctor first thing in the morning, since the office is closed for the weekend.
The next day, the nurse returns my phone call, and she tells me that the pain I’m feeling is normal, but I know that something isn’t right. I’ve taken the rest of the week off of work so I can rest, but it seems no amount of sleep helps. The pain is so intense that walking is excruciating. I can’t imagine this pain persisting for the remainder of my pregnancy. I’m barely in the third trimester as it is.
I text Amanda to see if she has time to meet for lunch. She responds after a few minutes, and we decide on the new sandwich shop that just opened up down the street from the apartment.
We’re seated in the window seat when she asks me how I’m feeling. I tell her what I’ve been feeling for the past couple of days. She informs me she had felt some pain in her groin, but it didn’t happen until much later in her pregnancy. I’m relieved to know that the pain seems normal, but something still doesn’t sit right with me. We spend some time catching up, and before long, I’m headed back to the apartment.
After a slow ascent up the winding stairs, I collapse on the couch and pull out my phone. I open my internet browser and search up ‘groin pain during pregnancy.’ I find some information about how pregnancy hormones can relax the joints and ligaments that are at the front of the pelvis to allow thebaby to pass through the birth canal. The joints help with the movement of the pelvis and absorb shock during activities like walking or running. Ligaments hold the joints together to prevent them from moving unevenly or beyond what is comfortable. The process typically occurs later on in pregnancy.
I also find some interesting articles about a rare pregnancy-related disability called symphysis pubis dysfunction or SPD. It’s a rare disorder, and the fundamental characteristic of SPD is pain or discomfort in the front of the pelvis. Pain can also go to the back of the pelvis. The pubic joints being prematurely unstable can cause the pelvis to feel loose.
Unfortunately, the commonality among the many articles I found is that certain movements can make the pain worse. These movements include walking, bending, going up and down the stairs, and getting in and out of bed or the car, essentially any movement that requires spreading your legs apart, thereby making the pelvis unstable.
I feel like a light bulb goes off. I’m both happy and disappointed to be able to put a name on what I’ve been feeling. It will make working a physically intensive job very difficult as my pregnancy progresses because of the increase in weight and pressure on the pelvic floor. Stopping work during my pregnancy wasn’t something I expected. I want to work until the day I give birth, but it seems my body has other plans for me. I can’t even articulate how frustrated and helpless this makes me feel. My choice is being taken away from me, and I’m a passenger in my body.
