Hudson: Yeah, I guess. Not the pins and balls but the rest.
I held my breath and waited for his answer.
Ollie: It’s clear you guys are super close and have the kind of dynamic I’d kill to have with someone. Like first-degree murder kind of kill. But that doesn’t mean what you have needs to be romantic.
Ollie: It would probably be epic though.
Yeah, it probably would. I sighed.
Hudson: I don’t wanna freak Leo out. What we’ve got now is already pretty great, and I don’t want to ruin it.
Ollie: If your friendship is as strong as you think it is, wouldn’t it withstand at least a conversation? If you’re questioning things enough to talk to me, it might be worth talking to him. He’s your best friend for a reason. He won’t freak.
Hudson: Thanks, man.
Ollie: Any time. And if it works out, you guys better set me up with someone because I couldn’t handle being around your lovey-dovey asses while I sleep alone every night.
Hudson: Not sure you’d want two recently divorced dudes trying to set you up. One of which might be having a sexuality crisis in his 30s.
Ollie: Lol, fair point.
Ollie broke the tension of the conversation by sending me a link to a TikTok video, which was usually ninety percent of what we texted each other. We both loved videos about weird stuff people found in the walls, attics, and basements of their homes. Watching the video about a woman who found a stash of prohibition-era liquor bottles in a wall got me on a scrolling binge. The endless mind-numbing videos let my brain work on the puzzle of my feelings for Leo.
I had no idea how much time had passed, but it moved differently on TikTok. My feed was an array of hidden things, bowling highlights, ceramic inspiration, and cats. As my thumb swiped up the screen to move to the next video, I paused on a cat that looked an awful lot like General Ledger with the same white mustache.
“I think I found your doppelgänger, sweetheart.” I laughed as the video showed the cat using its paw to persistently tap against an empty food bowl while staring at someone off-screen. There were shots all over the house.
On the third watch, I looked between General Ledger and the cat on the screen more closely. “This cat has the same white front paw as you.” By the fifth time, I recognized the tile in our kitchen.
I couldn’t tap the “SgtLedgie” username fast enough.
There were so many videos. Scroll after scroll after scroll. They were obviously all filmed in our home. My brain could barely process the facts in front of me.
“You’ve got a half-million followers!”
It had to be Leo making the videos, but why hadn’t he said anything? I started watching the videos from the beginning, and there was Leo’s voice narrating. General Ledger on Leo’s blanket making biscuits while watching a laptop screen showing a tutorial video on how to knead the dough, General Ledger scratching a post on the living room cat tree with editing to make it look like she was doing it a million miles an hour, videos of her with funny outfits and backgrounds.
“Since when do you wear clothes?” And why not for me? I glared at her, but she continued peacefully napping on my lap.
I couldn’t believe Leo was doing something so big with my cat and hiding it from me. I’d thought they hated each other! Why wouldn’t Leo tell me about something he clearly invested time in and that half a freaking million people enjoyed? But the more videos I watched and listened to Leo talk to General Ledger like the most precious kitty in the world while talking about “Ledgie’s daddy,” the irritation softened. A little.
Each video had dozens of comments asking about her dad, whether we were a couple, why I wasn’t in the videos, and if I knew about the videos. Seeing so many comments speculating about Leo and me mixed with the rest of my thoughts. His deception took a temporary back seat to everything whirling in my mind.
All day while throwing clay, cleaning the apartment, and scrolling TikTok, I’d thought about my identity and what it meant for me, but I hadn’t stopped to consider what it would mean for us. What it would truly be like to have that kind of relationship with Leo—what could change. I finally let myself think about dating him.
I pictured us sitting on the couch, watching TV like we always did, but instead of leaning against opposite arms of the couch, I was sprawled out with my head in his lap while he ran his fingers through my hair. Me giving him a kiss in the morning before going off to work. Him giving me that amused and exasperated headshake when I insisted on shampooing the carpet monthly.
I expected something to feel off about picturing all those things, but I liked it.
I thought back to what I’d read about pansexuality and the realization that I’d never really gotten hung up on the gender of who I’d dated. I’d always dated women, but maybe it was because it had been easier to tell when they were flirting with me. I wasn’t the most forward guy, so when a woman I liked was clearly interested, I went for it. I couldn’t think of a man who’d been obviously interested in me, but if I’d noticed, would I have been interested? Actually, maybe.
A long breath escaped as I sat with that. General Ledger—Ledgie—meowed at me when I stopped scratching her ears.
I needed to quit watching the cat videos and instead think about how I would bring this up with Leo. It was cute and funny, but at the end of the day, he was keeping a secret from me, which hurt like heck.
As I kept scrolling—because stopping the TikTok scroll was harder than escaping quicksand—I came across a video about a popular TV show known for nudity, sex, and queer relationships. More videos popped up, showing censored clips from a sex scene between the men.
The clips intrigued me, and I wondered if watching a show like that would turn me on. An idea formed as I viewed more clips. One that would be a way for me to test the waters before I took a risk and possibly ruined something that mattered to me more than anything. Someone who mattered more than anything.
