Page 81 of The King Contract
He leads us out of the office, and I grimace with annoyance at Mack once again being right.
31
MILLIE
How insane is that?
Our second Christmasspent without Donna feels criminal.
Even though I knew this day would roll around again, nothing can really prepare you for it. I thought it’d be easier this time. The first one hurt so much; I thought the second might be a little less painful. But it’s as raw and gut-wrenching as last year, if not more real. Maybe I was numb last year.
Ellis and I don’t have any family except each other, and that’s a bizarre thing to comprehend, especially on special occasions.
Donna always made Christmas special. She insisted on closing the store every year for the Christmas break. She said time with family was more important than being open during the holidays and would rather lose out on business than lose out on memories with us. I loved her even more for it, because the memories I have with her are emblazoned in my brain.
We dragged Christmas out for days, baking cookies, playing board games and watching terrible Christmas movies. Christmas carols played around the clock, along with Bruce Springsteen, Donna’s favourite. She’d sing along to his tunes asshe prepared Christmas lunch, chopping too many vegetables and basting a ham we’d never get through.
Christmas Eve was always my favourite, though. We’d go for a morning swim at the beach. I’d always stay in the shallows as Donna and Ellis dove into the bigger waves. Rain, hail or shine, we’d be there and then sit on the sand with a coffee or juice, reflecting on our highs and lows of the year. Donna would ask us what our dreams were, what we wanted to do next, what we wanted to see. She’d share stories of my parents finding out they were pregnant with me and the first Christmas after my birth where they were all broke beyond belief, but the happiest they’d ever been. Stories I’ve heard a million times, but that never got old. Donna had a way of making life seem so exciting and hopeful, and I’d make promises to myself I rarely followed through on. Except for picking up photography again. She never let that one go.
On Christmas Eve this year, Ellis and I take an early-morning dip in the ocean, with Winston watching us from a spot close to the shoreline. The sun is already beating down on us and early risers are out in full. Storm clouds loom on the horizon and it’s only a matter of time before they roll in. It’s notorious for raining this time of year.
We grab iced lattes from the vendor near the road and sit on the beach to people-watch, watching the waves crash into the shore.
“Nothing can prepare you for grief, no matter how hard you try,” Ellis murmurs.
I put my arm around her shoulder and give it a squeeze. Winston leans up and licks her cheek, and Ellis laughs.
“It hurts more than I thought it would,” she continues, patting Winston. “It hurts the most for the times she’s not here for anymore. She’s not here forthis. She doesn’t write back in our group chat.” Ellis wipes her nose. “I can’t show her funnyTikTok’s or try to scare her to hear her weird high-pitched squeal.”
I chuckle, letting tears fall freely behind my sunglasses. In the past couple of years, we’ve said goodbye to Donna in our own ways, coming to terms with the fact she was slowly leaving us. We knew it wouldn’t be long before we’d be on our own, trying to navigate life without the woman who’d been there for us our whole lives. I’ve sobbed, I’ve screamed, I’ve thrown things. I’ve reflected and reminisced about the good times. I prepared as much as I could for the days of not having her around, but nothing prepares you for when it happens.
Nothing.
A quiet sob comes from my throat and Ellis squeezes my leg, the two of us quietly crying as the sun shines, Winston resting his head on my foot. “Look at the state of us,” I mutter, and Ellis snorts. “You know what Donna would want us to do right about now?”
“Start drinking?” Ellis offers.
“Yes,andshe’d want us to share at least one high from the year, and what we’re aiming to do next year. You go first.”
Ellis sighs, blowing her lips out dramatically as tears drop over them. “Ugh. I don’t know if I can eventhinkof a high from this year.”
“Liar. What about meeting Dahlia?”
“Was definitely an unexpected bonus.” Ellis gives me a cheeky grin, wrinkling her nose. “She’s fun.”
“What else?” I encourage. “How about our volunteer days? They’re always rewarding.”
“Of course,” she agrees, her head lolling to the side to face me. “I didn’t mean I didn’t have any good times. I’m saying it was another tough year.” Ellis leans back on her elbows, kicking her legs out on the sand in front of her. “I’ve thoroughly enjoyed watching you recently.”
I frown. “What?”
Ellis smiles. “Ever since you started dating Noah, you’ve had this lightness about you. It makes me so happy to see you genuinely smile after spending the past two years frowning with focus. You spent so much time looking after mum, and dealing with me being a fucking mess, it was like you lost a part of yourself.”
I swallow, unsure of how to process those words. It’s true the past couple of years have felt like battle after battle. I didn’t realise how much of life I was ignoring because I was so focused on Donna, Ellis and the store.
“I’m touched my happiness is on your highlights list,” I say dryly.
“Happy is the word,” she agrees. “You seemhappy.”
