The second the moderator cuts off their lively Q&A, I bolt to the farthest stall in the bathroom, climb onto the toilet, and hold my phone up to the window, where I can get two bars. I add Sharon and Stellar to a group chat titled “PRESENTATION EMERGENCY.”
ME
Sharon, meet Stellar. Stellar, Sharon. I know you’re at work but I need help
STELLAR B
… Aunt Sharon? Although I guess I should just call you Sharon now that Jen and I broke up
ME
The two of you know each other???? What
SHARON K-Y
Stellar! You’re still family, even if you’re not with my niece anymore
My signal craps out, the refresh icon spinning hopelessly. Someone comes into the bathroom, so I step on the flush lever to cover my swearing. When the chat finally loads, Stellar and Sharon are twenty messages deep. No time for backscroll; I have to focus on the present.
ME
Can I interrupt because it’s an emergency
STELLAR B
Yes, speak
ME
I have to present in 10 minutes and Tobin just blew everyone out of the water. My idea is too quiet?His has a future best-selling book, and mine doesn’t have a single helicopter
SHARON K-Y
what is a helicopter? Is this code? Please remember I am an Old and translate accordingly
My shoe keeps wanting to slide off the toilet seat, my arm is cramping from holding up the phone like I’m trying to contact extraterrestrial life, and I am explaining regular words to Sharon. But my presentation is on the line. I’ll standinthe toilet if I have to.
ME
Sharon it’s a helicopter. I just mean mine isn’t fancy. What can I do????
STELLAR B
BE YOURSELF
SHARON K-Y
Can’t believe it. A younger person has *asked* for my advice. My moment has come
STELLAR B
I LOVE YOU
ME
My plan was senseless. Eight weeks of improv? HA. I should’ve pitched Craig’s idea no matter how absurd and illegal
