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“What the fuck is happening?” Arthur growls as he rushes into the room.

“Eugene fucked my mother, so now I’m going to cut his dick off,” Miller says as he comes around the corner, knife in hand.

“Knock it the fuck off. Remind our guest how dreadful it is to be with us and then throw him in a room he can’t get out of this time.”

“Got it,” Miller says as he grabs me and drags me out of the room. Once he finds one he deems acceptable, he punches me right in the stomach. “It’d be best to just answer his questions.”

“I… don’t… know the answers!” I whisper as I try to cover my stomach and back away.

He nails me right in the face and I drop down onto the ground and decide I’m just going to cover my head and play dead. He won’t punch a dead guy, right?

No, he doesn’t punch me, he just kicks me before stepping out.

I roll onto my side as I hold my aching stomach while blood runs from my nose. I can taste it from where my teeth cut into my lip. And I feel like I’d have wallowed around on the floor in misery some more if my balls didn’t start vibrating. Quickly,I dig down into my underwear and snatch up the phone and answer it.

“Hello?”

“Huh. I thought this was Tavish the Terrible,” a voice says. The voice is familiar enough that I think it might be the Cassel guy who’d been outside the trunk.

“It’s not Tavish. My name is Ellis, and he said you guys could help and please call the police and we’re on this fucking Murder Island and they’re going to kill me, and I don’t know how to get off.”

“That was a lot to unpack spokenveryquickly. But first… aren’t you the serial killer?”

“No! I’m not a serial killer. They tricked Tavish into bringing me here by telling him that I was a serial killer, but I’ve never killed anyone. I shot someone’s pinky off and it was the worst thing I’d ever done. And there was so much blood. And then the way his pinky just like exploded off his hand?—”

“Hey, Leland, the serial killer wants to talk to you,” Cassel calls.

“I’m not a serial killer!”

“Hey, Serial Killer,” Leland says. “What’s up?”

“What’s up is that I’m not a serial killer. I was abducted and brought to some fucking Murder Island, and now Tavish is out there and they’re trying to hunt him down and I’m just really not ready to die.”

“How’s the weather? I’m trying to decide whether I should pack a Speedo or nothing for Jackson.”

“What?” I whisper. Clearly, this guy doesn’t understand the gravity of the situation. “Please, Tavish seemed to believe that you guys could help, but maybe he gave me the wrong number.”

“Wow, Tavish was speaking highly of us? What else did he say? Did he say I was pretty? Oh! Did he tell you how Jackson and I met?”

I need to get this man back on track. “Leland, please. You know me… kind of. Like you’ve been coming to the office I work at for years. Please just… like… help me out here.”

“Settle down, settle down. Cassel is trying to get a read on your location, so just stay on the line. You’ve tantalized me with the words ‘Murder Island.’”

“You believe me? That I’m not a serial killer?”

“No, you’re definitely a serial killer, but I don’t want Tavish to die. Not because I like him but because I want to terrorize him for the rest of his miserable life.”

“Who are you people?” I ask.

“Your motherfucking badass guardian angels.”

“I really think I should have just called the police. You sound horribly incompetent.”

“I once killed a man with a pair of earbuds by flicking them so hard they ricocheted off another man’s glasses and went right between the eyes of the guy trying to kill me.”

“Can I talk to the other guy?”

“Were you… were you not just impressed?” he asks, like his ludicrous story could have actually happened.