“I’m twenty-eight.”
“So you know all about the ladies then, right? How do you get her to realize that you’re more than just a penis?”
“How about you just walk faster?”
“You think she’ll like that? Do women like men who walk faster?”
“W-What? No! Like, walk faster to the infirmary.”
“Oh, yeah, but I need some real help here, man. I mean… person. When I told her my heart was bigger than my penis, she laughed. It hurt me right in the feels, you know?”
“Have you… asked her out to dinner or something?”
“I’m too shy to,” he says, like he’s not too shy to have sex with her and have phone sex at work, but to ask her if she wants to go out to dinner might be too much. “I’ve got it bad. What if she rejects me?”
“I think you should be more worried about me shooting you. She can’t reject you if you’re dead,” I threaten, trying to sound tough.
“That’s true. I wonder if she’d go to my funeral?”
“I feel like your priorities are a bit fucked,” I say.
“Maybe you could shoot me just a little and she could nurse me back to health!” The look on his face tells me he’s thrilled by this idea as I realize that I’ve been abducted by a group of psychopaths. I just grimace a little to show him that I’m not overly fond of this idea.
He reaches a door and nods. “It’s in there. Can I put my hands down enough to open the door?”
“If you’re lying to me, I’m going to shoot you,” I say as my stomach seems to twist in on itself. Like… really?CanI shoot him? Even if I had to, I’m not sure I could.
He pushes the door open and when I see that the room inside really is empty, I let out a sigh of relief before realizing that bad motherfuckers probably don’t gasp in relief when seeing empty rooms, but the guy is too busy fretting over his sad lack of a love life.
That’s when I remember that he has a phone on him and quickly snatch it up.
“Wait! No! I don’t have her number saved anywhere else. Please?”
“Do you realize that I had my head smashed into a dumpster, then was thrown in the trunk of a car, tossed into a jet, flown over to Murder Island, beaten up, threatened, and am now running for my life? Do you not think I have bigger problems than some older woman wanting your dick?” I hiss.
“Whoa, man, you seem a bit aggressive,” he says. “That’s not very cool.”
I stuff his phone into my pocket and point over at the closet. “Get your ass in there, and if that door opens even a centimeter, I’m going to blast it full of holes, got it?”
He shuffles over to it, so I slam it shut and push a cabinet in front of it. With that taken care of, I hurry around the room, opening cupboards and drawers until I find that he wasn’t joking. This Arthur guy has a literal mini doctor’s office in here. I grab some needles and sutures as well as some bandages, gloves, water, and disinfectant. Once it’s all crammed into a plastic bag, I take off for Tavish. Hopefully, the guy won’t kick up a storm and I’ll?—
“Where the fuck do you think you’re going?” a voice behind me asks.
I really,reallysuck at this.
He grabs me by the throat, wrapping an arm around it and squeezing. The gun’s in my hand, I just have to point it at him and squeeze. I just have to get him off me. I just have to… shoot him. That’s not that hard, right? Just… shoot?—
Darkness creeps into my vision.
All I have to do is pull the trigger. But what if I kill him? What if I… fuck.
My body feels light. I can feel my legs giving out. I can?—
The man jerks back and I’m yanked with him. I can’t keep my feet under me, and I start to fall until someone wraps their arm around me, catching me.
It… might have been romantic if Tavish wasn’t in the process of kneeing the guy’s nuts up into his body as he hooks me.
“What a prick,” Tavish says as he knocks the man down to the floor and steps on his throat as I try to cough up a lung, like my body’s response to being deprived of air is to choke me some more.
