Leland scoffs. “Just don’t come to me in a couple of years and cry that I never tried to give you anything.”
“I’m… I’m confident I won’t,” I assure him.
Tavish lets us into the next room where a woman sits “tied” to a chair.
“Save me!” she entreats.
“Oh, I will totally save you. Cassel?” Leland asks.
“We’re all set and ready to go,” he says.
“Oh. My. Golly. Betty! I didn’t know you worked here!” Leland exclaims.
She stops acting and looks confused. “I’m sorry… I…”
“Seymour? I’m Miller’s friend,” Leland says. “I’m sure he’s told you all about me.”
Betty looks absolutely delighted as I realize that this… this is her. This is Miller’s infamous mother. Just this morning, Miller nearly blew my balls off after I gave him shit about me trying to bed her like Eugene did.
“Miller’s friend! Oh my! How delightful! Miller is always so quiet about his friends. I’m just… oh my, I’m just so excited to finally meet one!”
I turn to Tavish. “Miller’s going to murder us,” I whisper.
“He shouldn’t have fucked with us,” Tavish says before stepping up to her. Even if he was just going along for the ride, he’s fully committed now. “Betty! Miller just loves jokes. Do you think… I know this is so goofy to ask, but do you think you could just sit on my lap for a picture? I bet Miller would find ithilarious.”
“SOOO funny!” Leland agrees. “I love Miller’s sense of humor. Last time we were hanging out, he was shooting at me… with those phenomenal one-liners he has. How funny. Nearly got me too!”
“How fun!” she says. “Sure. That sounds so goofy.” She pushes the fake binds off and waves Tavish to the chair before plopping down right on his leg. “Make sure you get my good side. Gosh, I feel like a princess sitting on such a strong lap! Or wait… maybe like a young girl on Santa’s lap?”
“I got a present for you,” Tavish says.
“As long as it’s not a sack,” Leland mutters so quietly I think I’m the only one who hears it.
Betty laughs wildly. “Gosh, you’re so cute, I love the accent. Say ‘I’ll be coming down your chimney.’”
Clearly, she’s not picky about who sucks her toes.
“El, take that pirate sword and pose behind us,” Tavish instructs, choosingnotto say what she has asked, which I think we’re all thankful for. “It’ll be hilarious.”
“Ha! Will it?” I ask, not so sure.
“So funny,” Leland says as he puts it in my hand. “Ooh, hold it against Betty’s neck and go ‘Arr!’”
I’m going to die. We’re all going to die. Miller’s going to come here and chop my balls off and then rip my dick off and then punch me some more, and then I’m going to die.
“I’m not sure I wanted to die today,” I whisper.
“That didn’t sound anything like ‘arr!’” Leland says as he whips out a phone.
“How’d you get a phone snuck back here?” Betty asks.
“Say ‘cheese!’” Leland calls. Tavish pushes the blade in my hand against Betty’s neck as she does the most ridiculous playing-dead pose while Tavish beams like a maniac. “Miller is going to fuckinglovethis. I mean… Ellis kind of looks like he’s being held hostage, but besides that, Miller will love it.”
“Ha… I’m sure he will,” Tavish says.
Leland glances at his phone. “Oh look. He already replied. Betty, he wants to know if we can all meet for dinner tonight. What time do you get off?”
“I’m off as soon as you guys beat the room,” she answers.
