Page 93 of Selfie
“No, I meant,my mistake. When I told you I was done with you, I should’ve stayed done. I won’t make the error twice. Get the fuck out.”
He opens his mouth like he’s ready to protest. Nathan could easily make the argument that this is his house. But something stops him. He clamps his jaw shut and stands. Staring at the broken light bulb, he says, “I’m going to go get the vacuum and clean that up. I don’t want you cutting your feet.”
“I know where the vacuum is. And I don’t want your help.” Lying down flat, I pull the covers over my head. I hold my breath, waiting to hear the sound of a door slamming, but I don’t. Nathan treads silently through the guesthouse and there’s only a soft click as the front door closes.
I normally can’t sleep when I’m angry. Unresolved fights like this keep me up at all hours of the night. But tonight, the flu is my friend. I’m too weak to think, too tired to care, too hurt for hope. I let my ailment pull me into a deep slumber, falling asleep to the sound of Mom’s voice.
I’m here, baby. Don’t cry. I’m right here. You’re going to be okay, kiddo. You’ll survive this one too. I love you.
Tears stream down my cheeks. I weep shamelessly, shielded by my blanket cave. I know it’s not real. Tomorrow I’ll be strong. I’ll rebuild everything. But tonight, in my dreams…
I let myself break.
29
Nathan
What the fuck just came over me? I went too far. She’s not going to forgive me for this one.
I sit on the pool ledge with my legs in the water. Even at night, with my shirt off, it’s too fucking hot. The pool is warm and doesn’t offer any real relief from the arid heat. I’d be far more comfortable inside my air-conditioned house. Except, I’m stuck. She told me to leave, but how can I? I’m halfway between my house, where I should go, and Spencer’s bedroom, where I want to be. I’m in my own personal purgatory.
It shouldn’t be this hard.
Spencer, I care about you a lot, but I never dealt with the grief of losing the woman I loved, and the child who called me Dad.
I skipped denial, dove into anger, dabbled in bargaining. Depression is where I really shined. I showcased my despair by isolation and assholery, as Spencer would call it. But somehow everything fell off the rails at acceptance.
Spencer, I’m scared if I let myself fall for you, like I know I could, I’ll lose what’s left of Elise.
I shouldn’t be happy, replacing my family with a new one. I don’t deserve it. Not when I failed Elise in every way imaginable. Not when her daughter is being raised by one of her sworn enemies.
Spencer, I?—
Mweep.
Puzzled, I look up to find the source of the squeak.What the shit?
Spike stands at the edge of the pool, clear on the other side. His eyes are down and he’s ducking his head trying to touch his nose to the water. He can’t quite reach.
“Spike,” I command. “Back up.”
He ignores me because…well, he’s a guinea pig, and as far as rodents go, Spike is not the brightest. I watched him once as he chewed on his paw, screeching in agony as he inflicted his own pain.
Ducking his head again, he tries to lap at the water.
“Spike! It’s chlorinated, you dodo bird.”
By now his paws are wrapping around the ledge, showing off his creepy hand-talons.Gross.I pull myself up, deciding who to alert to this potential disaster. Spencer would probably like to see me floating face down in this pool at the moment, so I opt for Charlie. I bet she’s still awake. We’re going to have a serious talk about double-checking that Spike’s cage is locked. Then again, he’s probably only out because I accidentally left the front door of the guesthouse open when I was bouncing back and forth all night between taking care of Charlie and Spencer.
I steal one more glance at the multicolored rat-pig as I yank my feet out of the water. He’s not wearing his diaper. “You shit all over my pool deck, didn’t you?” That would be the perfect insult to the injury of this night.
It’s going to be fine. As soon as Spencer’s feeling better, I’m going to beg her on both knees to stay. I don’t know whatdumbfuckery came over me, but the last thing I want is for Spencer and Charlie to leave. I’m not a perfect man, but no one else has made me want to do better. Around Spencer I feel jealous, on edge, constantly confused and out of control, but the point isI’m feeling. And for that, I should go fetch the moon she hung.
My back is turned, and I’m on the bottom step leading up to the main house when I hear a distinctplop.I whip around to see a small, dark shape floating back to the pool surface.Guinea pigs can swim, right?
Spike breaks the surface just long enough to let out a fewmweep,mweep,mweeps, before he’s swallowed up by the pool again. He doesn’t resurface this time.
Oh, fuck me.Jeans still on, I sprint to the edge and dive into the pool. Opening my eyes in the chlorine water, I ignore the momentary burn.There he is.Almost at the bottom, I scoop Spike up before he hits the pool floor. Kicking as hard as I can, I hold him above my head to get him oxygen as fast as possible. Hand around his belly like a claw, I keep him above the water until I can get us to the closest ladder.
