Page 69 of Selfie
“He did, but nothing happened.” I’m petrified as a sickening realization squeezes my throat. “Dawn, is Nathan single? Because I swear if he’s not, I didn’t know?—”
“Oh, calm down, honey. Nathan is single. Elise is the last assistant he had that he actually let in. After her, the brooding barricade that locks up his human emotions went up. Let’s just leave it at that for now, okay? I’m not above gossiping, but only when they’re my secrets to share.”
I nod in understanding, as the questions rip through my mind like a bullet train off the tracks. I want to know about Elise immediately so I can see whose shoes I’m trying to fill.
“So, is caviar calorie dense?” I respectfully divert the conversation. “I’ve never tried it before.”
“Did you just say caviar and calorie dense in the same sentence?” Dawn lifts a perfectly sculpted eyebrow. I make a mental note to ask her if that’s permanent makeup, because her brows are always flawless. I have to tweeze almost daily to keep my thick caterpillars in a feminine shape. “Still on this diet, then?”
I sigh. “I was on weight-loss injections for years. They were more expensive than I could afford, but selfishly, I just…” I shake my head. “It’s hard, you know? Charlie is the living embodiment of my mom. And my mom wasgorgeous. Effortlessly slender and beautiful, light hair, light eyes. She turned men’s heads wherever we went.”
“So you took weight-loss drugs to look more like your mom and sister?” Obvious concern pools in Dawn’s eyes.
“No, it was more like after my mom died, I became really aware of how I was the odd one out. I’d take Charlie around and people would assume I was the nanny. They’d compliment Charlie, telling me her parents were in trouble because she was going to grow up to be a heartbreaker and her daddy would have to beat the boys away with a stick.”
“Ah, I see.” Dawn’s intuition is spot-on, because she proceeds to explain like she’s reading the lines from my own mind. “If Charlie and your mom were always noticed for their beauty, and you were told you were their polar opposite, that means?—”
“I was the troll.”
“You’re not a troll, Spencer. Not even close. I don’t mean to speak ill of your mom, but did she pressure you to lose weight while you were growing up?”
“God no.” I actually laugh at the sentiment. “All we did was cook and eat together. She didn’t let me have coffee until I was sixteen, but other than that, she restricted nothing. She told me I was royalty every day of my life. I was blissfully unaware that I was considered ‘thick’ or ‘big-boned’—actually I think they’re calling it ‘big-backed’ these days. I don’t know, I just didn’t feel insecure growing up. My weight obsession started after what happened in college.”
Reaching between her legs, Dawn turns off the jets in her foot tub, and it grows eerily quiet. “What happened in college?”
I chew on the inside of my cheek, wondering why in hell I decided to pick at this scab today. Dawn has a presence. She’s sassy, like me, but also powerful and commanding, like I want to be. I guess I already see her as something more than a colleague to look up to. “It’s kind of difficult to talk about because it’s so embarrassing.”
“You don’t have to. But it might make you feel better. Honey, I don’t care how embarrassing the story is, you’re with a friend who would never laugh at you.”
I hear the metaphorical locks unlatching, the secret boxes having their lids snatched off, the sound of a shovel digging deep into the frozen ground. That’s what I have to do to unearth one of the most defining moments of my life that I’ve tried and failed for years to bury and forget.
“It was a stupid hazing ritual for the senior football players… I was a virgin.”
Dawn drops her head. “I don’t like where this is going.”
“It wasn’t like that. It was consensual. Um…” I have to pause for a moment as my voice cracks and my breath goes shaky. “The seniors had this game they’d play—a scavenger hunt. During the first week of school they’d have to sleep with a princess, a jock, and a cow.”
“A cow?” Dawn asks, her eyes stretching into wide circles.
“Not an actual cow. A princess was considered someone else’s girlfriend. A jock was more aptly named—any starter at school on a sports team. And a cow, a…fat girl.”
“For the record, I’ve always been a big supporter of trade schools. I feel like college these days is teaching boys to become predators. But all in good fun, right?” she asks with bitter sarcasm.
“Believe me, school administration and authority were very unaware of the tradition. The football team was pretty strict about confidentiality. I believe the rule was: Snitches die.”
“Jesus,” Dawn hisses.
“Anyway, I was a dumb college freshman full of foolish confidence my mom instilled. I happily ate it up when the starting quarterback asked me to come hang in his dorm room. We turned the lights off, sat on his bed, watched a movie… You can guess what happened next.”
“Did he hurt you?”
“No. I mean, it was uncomfortable. It was my first time, and I was nervous. He kept saying I felt good, so I thought I was doing what I was supposed to. He even let me stay the night and walked me back to my dorm the next morning. He texted me later that afternoon, full of emojis, asking how I felt.”
“Did he know you were a virgin?”
I nod solemnly. “I thought that’s why he was being so nice and checking on me. I actually thought for a whole two days I was dating the starting quarterback. I felt like hot shit, let me tell you.” I chuckle, but not because it’s funny. I can clearly see now, five years later, how suspicious his behavior was.
“So, what were you? You weren’t the princess because you were single, right? Did you play sports?”
