“I burned dinner,” he says quietly, his whole demeanor shifting, like he was the day I first met him. When he appeared numb and angry. Not the man I’ve gotten to know over the past months.
“That’s... happened before,” I say, not trying to be funny, though it would have been a week ago. We’d be laughing now...
“Cason told Rae what happened...” His voice is strained, and I can see the pain in his eyes. That’s not good at all. “He didn’t tell anyone else. He doesn’t know Tatum knows about us, so you don’t have to worry about that.”
I actually wasn’t. But I know how angry Cason is. I’m surprised he didn’t tell everyone—but part of me is afraid he’s waiting to make the most dramatic statement. To hurt Kellan the most because he’s hurting. “What happened when Raegan found out?”
I can pretty much tell, just by the look on his face. Wounded. “They won’t talk to me. Raegan and Cason—they hate me. Rae laid into me pretty good. Said I’m just like our mother—choosing to get laid instead of anything actually important.”
Ouch.I know that had to hurt him, and I want to scream that it wasn’t just getting laid. But of course, that’s probably how it appears to them.
“So they aren’t talking to me. Tatum is worried out of his mind that I’m going to use. The younger kids don’t know what’s going on, but they’re smart enough to know something is happening. And I can’t talk to you.”
That hits me right in the heart, and it takes everything in me to try not to show it. He doesn’t need me to feel sorry for myself right now.
“Tatum overreacted though. I’m not going to use. I know I’ll always be an addict, but I’m not lying when I say I haven’t thought about using. The kids are my priority. I’m not going to mess it up, not for anything as stupid as getting high.”
“Have you been going to meetings though?”
He looks slightly guilty now. “I haven’t been in a month or two.”
I gape at him in shock. I go back over the last few meetings and realize I haven’t asked him. It’s not an actual requirement for him to go, and I didn’t want to harp on it, so I haven’t asked. But I thought he was still going to meetings.
Did he stop because of me?
I’m internally panicking as he continues to talk.
“Meetings are a tool. They aren’t court-mandated for me. They’re there for me when I feel out of sorts or feel like I’m on the verge of using. I don’t need to go all the time, so I don’t.”
I try to relax, breathing in and out slowly.He’s not Pete. He’s not Pete.
“What’s going on?” he asks me carefully, and I realize I’ve closed my eyes while breathing deeply, trying to meditate and not panic—as I panic.
Kellan is not Pete.
He’s right. It wasn’t court-mandated for him to go to meetings or rehab. He didn’t break any laws that led to him having to do that. Kellan is different...
I slowly meet his eyes and see how terrified he looks. “I’ll be here when you get out of your meeting.”
He’s studying me carefully now, still worried. But I think he’s fighting with himself about actually expressing it. Because he probably feels like he doesn’t have that right either.
Because we broke up. Because I’m a goddamn coward.
“You don’t have to wait for me. I know how to get a ride.”
I shake my head and grip the steering wheel with my hands. “No. I’ll be here when you get out.”
He looks like he wants to argue with me, but he just nods his head and then climbs out of my car. I watch him disappear down the stairs outside the building that go down into a basement, and I try like hell to fight with my brain to let Pete go.
But I think, deep down, I know I can’t. I owe Kellan the whole story, so maybe he can walk away with a little more peace.
So he can let me go and do what he needs to do for him and his family—and leave me far behind because I’m nothing but bad luck and terrible decisions.
THIRTY-ONE
The meeting was fine—but I wasn’t kidding when I told Phillip that Tatum was overreacting. Yeah, I had a really bad day and have had only bad days since Phillip and I broke up, but I didn’t feel like using.
That was the last thing I wanted. For the first time in my life, I actually wanted to feel the pain. Hoping it was only temporary and soon he’d come back to me.
