Matty froze, unable to move. He wanted to “crawl up [his] own ass and disappear.” But then Nic Jr. raised both arms, opened his hands, and pressed both to either side of his face, creating moose antlers. He stuck out his tongue for the camera and crossed his eyes. Matty caught it all on camera, and shows me the footage as proof.
“Love at first sight,” I say.
“My knees got weak and my dick got hard,” Matty confirms.
At once, Matty turned around to face Nic Jr., who did a twice-over at Matty’s body. Then Nic Jr. held out his hand to Matty and said, “I’d like to show you something.”
“Oh, spicy,” I say. “I didn’t even know you disappeared.”
“Ricky Haze,” Matty says. “I told my ma I was going off to explore on my own. I followed Nic up the mountain to an overlook.” Matty describes the unobstructed panoramic near-360-degree view of the Amalfi valley, the way it felt like he was sitting on top of the world looking down, like a bird in flight. “And we just talked, for like an hour. And kept moving closer and closer.”
“How’d he know you were interested?” I ask.
Matty glares at me. Blinks twice. “If my boner didn’t give it away, my rainbow bracelet sure did.” He lifts his wrist to the bracelet Zia Rosa gave him after he came out as a show of support and love.
“What’d you talk about?”
“He told me how isolated he felt here, and I told him I felt the same back home—excluding you, obviously. But, like, at school and stuff. We have a lot in common, and as he told me all about his life and what it was like to live here year-round, in such a small school, working on his family’s farm, I don’t know, I felt so connected to him. Like we understood each other.”
“With all the backbreaking labor you do back home,” I jest.
“Hey, I bench above my weight.” He flexes for me.
“Did you do that for Nic?” I ask.
Matty raises an eyebrow. “Worked like a charm. He asked if he could feel my bicep, and one thing led to another, and he leaned in and kissed me and . . .” He sighs again.
“Good?”
“Best kisser ever. Very Fourth of July fireworks finale. And obviously I didn’t want to stop. Neither did he. So we made plans to hang all day today. We tried not to be caught. Nic’s parents are great, but, you know, not so many locals around here are. Nic doesn’t want anyone to know he’s gay.”
Matty goes on to tell me about everything Nic shared with him, and how they bonded over their fear of being out. Matty feels comfortable with Nic because he gets it. I think every gay guy experiences that fear, even ones like me who come out before puberty, or are lucky enough to not have to come out. BetweenMatty and Ricky and seeing stories from other teens on Clock in less accepting areas of the country or world, I know enough to know that’s still not the case everywhere.
“I’m really happy for you. Both. That you guys found a safe space in each other.”
“I’ve never been more ready to—” Eyes wide, he continues, voice lowered. “I’m . . . scared. Especially because Nic isn’t a virgin. He’s been with girls before.”
“So it’d be both of your first times, then. With guys. You’re on the same page. Don’t focus on anything but each other. And don’t do anything you’re not ready for. You can say no or stop at any time—”
“No, I know.” His fingers stretch anxiously, so I grab them. He’s clammy, squirmy. “That’s a good point. Thanks, Field.”
“Breathe,” I say calmly, and grab and massage his hands until they stop shaking.
He jumps up and down like a kid at recess. “This feels right. Whatever happens when we go home.” Then, the big oaf pulls me into a bear hug and squeezes.
“I need to ask you something. About Ricky.”
He releases me. “Oh boy.” He takes a step back.
“Did he call you back in January?”
“I’m sorry, Field, I should’ve told you. I didn’t want it to ruin your progress. You were doing so well without him. You were finally over him.”
“I was never over him, Matty.”
“You know what I mean. You were doing things on your own. You were happy again. You were entering this, like, new phase of Fielder Lemon, always going out. Filming content.Working out. You were like this new and improved version. Everybody loved you; you were blossoming. I know you had this plan to win him back, I get it, I do, but I wanted to protect you. That’s all.”
Shaking my head, I say, “You didn’t give me a chance to make that decision for myself, Matty.”
