‘And while I’m a much better cook, Lois knows how to suture wounds and make slings out of old shirts so…’
‘She’ll make me a great wife,’ he says with a dreamy look in his eye.
Cam is pretending not to listen to us. Which is fine by me because it almost sounds like an interview for me being ideal girlfriend material for him. Although, part of me hopes to have Cam look like that about me some day.
I snap out of the fantasy to concentrate on the screen. Lois is mimicking my every move expertly, and looking like she is enjoying it. ‘So, back to the plan.’ I look at them both. ‘Two things. How do we play Porscha at her own game, so that I can leave the villa on my terms without all the backstabbing and blackmail? And how do we switch Lois back out tomorrow without anyone seeing?’
‘I’m not a lawyer for nothing,’ Tyrone says. ‘Backstabbing and blackmail are practically in the job description. Wait. What is happening?’
We watch the screens as the islanders are herded to the firepit to stand in front of it. They look bedraggled. And there, sittinground the firepit are ten very glamorous and attractive NEW Love on the Islanders. They are grinning away as though they know a secret the others don’t. Destiny springs out from behind the bush with a gleeful pose.
‘Old islanders, meet the NEW islanders!’ she says, laughing. ‘Look at the state of you all.’ She starts laughing hard and encourages the new islanders to laugh along. I can see runners off camera waving their hands and yelling ‘Laugh harder!’ and ‘Keep it going!’. The old islanders look confused as hell.
‘Porscha has brought the new islanders in early to catch them out,’ Cam sighs. ‘Christ, I’m sick of her going behind my back all the time.’
PING.
Lois has a text. She looks about to burst with excitement. ‘I GOT A TEXT!’
‘She’s always wanted to do that,’ says Tyrone.
‘Destiny, Destiny! I got a text,’ Lois yells. ‘Destiny, I think you are amazing.’
‘Read it out then,’ says Destiny in a patient tone.
‘I love you by the way,’ Lois tells her. ‘You’re the best presenter. And we all love you in England. You’re totally famous over there.’
Destiny perks up. ‘Well, let’s hope all the UK viewers get voting for you to stay in the villa, Libby. Now, honey, how about that text. What does it say?’
‘Old islanders. Get ready to fight for your place in the villa hashtag bring it on, hashtag best self, hashtag anything goes. Oh my God, is this for real?’ Lois asks. ‘What does it even mean?’
‘It means, old islanders, that tonight you are going to have to earn your place here and seduce one of the new islanders into letting you stay.’ Destiny has a huge grin plastered to her face. ‘You’ll be pulling out all the stops. Get your party piece ready!’
The camera pans out to the cocky-looking newbies sat looking like the cat that got the cream and then the worried glances of the oldies. Only Lois seems remotely up for it. The others all look increasingly deflated.
Tyrone groans. ‘God, she’ll love flirting up a storm in there. She better not do her party piece with any of them.’
Cam pulls a yikes face at me behind his back, and I try not to laugh. Lois will love doing her party piece on TV.
‘Get your glad rags on. Party starts in one hour!’ bellows Destiny.
‘CUT!’ yells Porscha making a beeline for Destiny who whips out two vapes and hands her one. They start chugging away like lab rats while all the islanders make their way over to the main villa.
‘Look at the muscles on that one!’ cries Tyrone. ‘And Jesus, look at him. He looks like an aftershave model. I’m sure he’s been on TV.’
‘She’ll be fine,’ I say.
‘It’s not her I’m worried about,’ he jokes. ‘Lois will eat them all alive.’
We watch them all pile into the dressing room. It looks chaotic. New bodies, new cases full of outfits, and shoes scattered everywhere. They are jostling for space and the oldies are changing out of their boilersuits, as Lois subtly looks around for my case full of clothes. Cam and I trade worried glances.
‘Did you tell her about the pineapple case?’
‘No, did you?’
Cam shakes his head. At that moment, on screen, a runner enters dragging two ginormous suitcases.
‘Hey Libby, your luggage finally arrived,’ he says, dragging two familiar cases over to her. We see relief spread over her face as she thanks him and immediately pops them open.
