Sarcasm. The lowest form of wit.
There’s an awkward air of silence where none of us say anything.
‘God, I can’t stand you British and your need for overthinking things. You make terrible liars. I know that for sure. And where is it you think you’re going?’
‘Home.’ It’s out of my mouth before I barely know what’s happening.
She glares at Cameron. ‘And you didn’t think to tell me this minor detail? You do know how this show works, right?’ Her voice jumps up at least four octaves. She looks livid with him.
‘Not my home,’ I blurt. ‘Another home. Another villa.’
‘That’s right,’ says Cam. ‘I thought I’d switch her to a villa that’s nearer to the production village. So I don’t have too far to travel.’
‘You told her about the production village?’ She looks incredulous.
It’s time for the more experienced liar to step up.
‘It’s not his fault,’ I say in a rush. ‘I overheard him talking on his phone. I appreciate there’s a lot that still needs to be pulled together.’
‘Is she telling me what happens on my own show?’ she says to Cam.
He shakes his head. He’s probably wondering why I’m digging myself into a hole.
Porscha remains unconvinced and is eyeballing Cam. He has lost his words. I blame myself. I practically made him an alcoholic over the two days I have been in his care. And now I have put him in an untenable situation with my desire to kiss him. Shame on me.
‘Don’t worry, Porscha, I have strong moral values that I guard with the utmost integrity. Your secret is safe with me.Bono moralia, custodio integretate.’
Christ.Trust our school motto to be the only thing to spring to mind.
‘Excuse me?’ she says, looking me up and down. I immediately take a step back.
‘It’s Latin. For the thing I just said.’ I swallow a lump in my throat. Porscha should be a headteacher. She’d be perfect.
‘Cameron. Can we have a word, please?’ She looks sharply at me. ‘We have strict rules about non-disclosure…’
‘That’s not his fault either,’ I blurt. ‘I’m a professional nosy parker. I’m the problem, it’s me.’
Taylor Swift really knows her stuff.
‘… and even stricter rules about getting involved with the collateral,’ she carries on as though I’m not there.
‘It was a hug goodbye. Nothing happened,’ says Cam, holding his hands in the air as though he’s been caught at a crime scene.
‘He’s right,’ I say, the disappointment flooding out of me. ‘Absolutely nothing happened. Nothing. It’s borderline shocking.’
This causes Cam to start smirking.
‘I think you’d better leave the adults to do the talking,’ Porscha says condescendingly.
See? Perfect headteacher material.
‘It’s obvious I need to split you two up before one of you makes a fool of herself.’
‘Now, Porscha. You’re reading way too much into –’ Cam says.
She cuts him off. ‘I think we should send her into the villa if she’s that uncontrollably horny.’
Oh shit.
