They could really do with me out of their way so they can live as a proper couple. Stroking each other’s cheeks, foot-massaging and having sex on the kitchen table whenever the mood strikes, without me always there as a third wheel.
I pinch the bridge of my nose to stop feeling faint. I knew this day would come. Trust it to be this day.
My mind flashes back to the horrors of earlier. After a long day of doing mock Ofsted curriculum deep dives (not as interesting as it sounds) and ploughing through children’s texts describing why resilience and challenging yourself is the key to success in life, the last thing I had expected was the headteacher to pop his head around my classroom door to casually inform me that I’ll not be needed the following term.
I was so gutted. And to make matters worse, I rang Josh for a shoulder to cry on but instead of answering, he sent me the ‘put a pin in it’ text back. And now, Tyrone has officially moved in, meaning I should really start searching for a new job and somewhere new to live. It’s all a bit overwhelming. I can feel my soul disintegrating. I belong nowhere, I have no one. Perhaps Lois is right. I need to escape for the summer, have fun, do something spontaneous for once.
‘Did you know your signatures are virtually identical?’ says Tyrone to Lois, snapping me out of my misery. He is checking the small print on the contract. ‘Don’t worry, babe. There’s got to be a way to get you out of it without them taking legal action.’
Lois is stroking his face and looking at him with a doe-eyed expression, as though it will help him find the get-out clause that he’s after.
Suddenly an idea comes to me.
A solution to everything. For both me and for Lois.
I slap on a bright smile to hide how I’m feeling. ‘I’ll do it!’ I hear my voice catch. ‘I’ll go on the show instead of you.’
Lois’s head whips round. ‘Wait. What? No way! You hate that show.’
‘It beats teaching summer camps and being surrounded by nothing but wine and piles of exam marking. And it might be nice for the two of you to spend some quality time together… without me always hanging around.’
Lois gasps. ‘No, Libs,’ she says, leaping up. ‘Don’t make this about me and Tyrone needing our own space. We’d never do that to you. We love having you around. Don’t we?’ She is so astute.
Tyrone is nodding emphatically. He is very emotionally literate for a man. He is also very good at doing what he is told.
‘It’s not about that,’ I lie.
‘Well then, it’s about winning Arrogant Josh back. That’s not a good reason to go on the show either. He doesn’t deserve you after the way he dumped you like that.’
‘He dumped you. When?’ Tyrone asks softly.
‘Today. By text,’ Lois explains before turning to take my hands in hers. ‘I want to see you being happy, but you’d be doing the show for the wrong reasons.’
She’s one hundred per cent right but the more I think about Josh dumping me by text, the school dumping me right before the holidays, and the fact that I haven’t done anything remotely interesting in years, the more my misery is growing. I think maybe this opportunity is fate.
‘No, really,’ I tell her. ‘What have I got to lose?’
I’d simply be leaping with both feet from one pile of shite into another.
‘You said every episode is like one long, tedious never-ending TikTok make-up tutorial.’
‘Did I?’
I totally did.
‘And when was the last time you got dolled up to go anywhere, Libs?’ Lois says, defending her favourite programme. ‘You are not cut out to appear on such a bloodthirsty, over-the-top, reality TV show. Imagine all the drama and back-stabbing. You said the temper tantrums and hissy fits were worse than your school nursery.’
I did.
‘And you might struggle to get employed by a primary school afterwards.’
That’s a good point but I’m past caring.
‘Look, I’m sorry I forgot to mention Tyrone was moving in, but I think you’re just overwhelmed by everything that has happened today, and you’re making panic-fuelled decisions.’
She’s totally right.
I've developed a deep-rooted fear of body oil, protruding six-packs and Turkey teeth but to be fair, she did make me binge watch the entire series with her. And everyone’s teeth were blindingly white to a seizure-inducing degree.
