He looks absolutely fine to me. Some people wouldn’t know a real problem if it came up and poked them in the eye.
‘Have you tried a beetroot cleanse?’ I take out the Wheel of Life diagram and we plough through the motions of life coaching. As I perceive them, aka from a charlatan’s point of view.
Sixty excruciating minutes later, I escort him out with a deadline to join a walking group and visit an outdoor gym before the business singles night, even though he didn’t express an interest in attending. I’m glad he didn’t make a fuss over the misunderstanding with the extra-large mint. By the way he is self-consciously wiping his hand over his hair, I suspect he will also take my advice on board to get a decent haircut. I make a mental note to work on his eagerness to draw a veil over bizarre encounters.
As soon as he’s out of the door, I turn to Maria-José-Inmaculada-Carmen. I watch her scurry to put down theHola!magazine she has clearly been reading instead of working.
I take a deep calming breath. ‘You mentioned earlier that a woman named Ava, called?’
Best not to fully commit to the lie until I know whether I can get away with it. I watch as she holds up her note pad and reads from it.
‘Your sister? Yes. Abba called to say that she has been made redundant. That she is having… ’ Maria-José-Inmaculada-Carmen waves a post-it at me, reading from it carefully. ‘… she is having a colossal quarter-life crisis and that she comes here to be life coach. She wants name of website for quick qualify. Same as you.’
Shitting hell.
I stare wide-eyed with disbelief at her, waiting for her to retract every evil word she has just articulately delivered. She stares boldly back and shows me her notepad.
‘Ava is coming here?’ I feel suddenly light-headed. ‘To Spain? To be a life coach?’
‘Yes. Same. As. You,’ she repeats unnecessarily slowly as if English has becomemysecond language nothers. I see she has even gone to the trouble of underlining the words. She points to them in case I simply can’t make them out.
‘And Google explained me that a quarter-life crisis involves anxiety over the direction and quality of one’s life. Is very common. Especially in thee UK. Is very fashionable on Tweetair.’ Maria-José-Inmaculada-Carmen is looking very, very pleased with herself. I rive again at my scalp while we stare at each other.
My scalp is on fire.
‘Ava is coming here?’
Maybe she has misheard.
She nods solemnly. ‘She says she has experience of managing more than two hundred people over ten regional offices. She is coming to help you run your business. This business that you own. This one. Where I am sitting.’
I think I’m having an actual stroke.
I can either act surprised as though these announcements of a sibling, a phoney baloney qualification and my new status as CEO are news to me, orI could come clean.
Or I could do neither.
Chapter 15
Idartbacktomy office for a sit-down, tapping wildly on my third eye and my temples, whilst breathing deeply in through my nostrils to encourage a solution to present itself.
Bollocks. Bollocks. Bollocks.
I quickly reach for my phone and dial my mother to find out what is going on. How can Ava just assume she can have the exact same quarter-life crisis as me and expect me to be happy about it? I need to put a quick spanner in the works and stop it from happening. My mother takes an age to pick up.
‘Hello darling,’ she answers smoothly. ‘I wondered how long it would take you to ring.’
‘Hello, Mother,’ I say flatly. ‘I’m guessing you have heard the news.’
‘Of course, darling,’ she says brightly, ‘it was my idea.’
‘What?’ I explode.
‘Well, you mentioned how great your job is going on Instagram and how brilliant it is to live out there, so I thought it would be perfect for your sister to come and do the same. While she’s looking for a proper job.’
Proper job?My mother ignores my silence and carries on.
‘I mean, how hard can it be? Ava’s a very clever girl. She’s used to managing over two hundred people across ten regional offices, you know. I’m sure she can get the hang of being a life counsellor no problem.’
