‘No, nothing like a therapist.’
That too was on the list of what it’s not.
‘Like career guidance?’ she asks, furrowing her brow.
‘What? No, nothing like that.’
This bickering is just embarrassing us both. The presenter stifles a giggle. I open up the handbook and turn to Juniper. I better spell it out for all of our sakes. ‘It says here that being a life coach is abouthelpingandsupportingpeople through life’s challenging moments.’ I say through tight lips, snapping it shut with a loud thwack. Let’s hope that’s the end of it.
Shitting hell.
‘And SINGLE people!’ I blurt out, suddenly remembering the whole point of this unbearable interview. ‘SINGLE people from local businesses, especially.’
Juniper perks up. ‘Oh?’
‘They just naturally want to stay in their comfort zones, you see?’ I explain, adlibbing from a scrap of paper with the details on. ‘And that can lead to fear of attachment. Marriage or self-employment is like hurling yourself off the roof, figuratively speaking. They often know what to do but don’t want to do it. They need a push. Life coaches provide that push. And we are inviting people to our event, our SINGLES business event, I mean our BUSINESS singles event in three weeks’ time. We will reveal our top coaching tips to help singles become… not so…?’
I literally have no idea what I’m saying.
‘Single?’ Juniper says.
‘Yes. We will help them open the door to more business and love and… whatnot,’ I mumble, looking away. I’m hardly what you’d call the poster girl for a successful romance, never mind a successful career. And besides, I haven’t even started to look into it, even though it was the first thing Nidi asked me to do. I can only assume bitterness is preventing me wanting to see other people happy, successful in business or finding love.
‘I see,’ the presenter says. ‘So, to sum up, what you are saying is that your job, being alife coach,’ I watch her do air quotation marks before checking back through her notes, ‘is to take literally anybody willing to pay, especially SINGLES and tell them what they already know so that they can find love and happiness… before they hurl themselves off the roof?’ She doubles over laughing, wiping tears away from her eyes. ‘I’ve been self-employed and single for years. Who knew we were all in such danger?’
Good grief.I wipe my sweaty palms on my thighs. I can’t take much more.
‘Yes,’ Maria-José-Inmaculada-Carmen says, relaxing back into her chair, eyeing the packet of cigarettes on the table in front of us. ‘Exactly correct.’
Why am I even bothering? Why?
‘I’m definitely coming along to that event. Book me four places. No five. I’ll bring my mum. She’s about to turn ninety-seven and wants to get back on the horse. Will the place be wheelchair accessible? And for all you single listeners out there, we’ll see you in three weeks at the...’
Fuck me.
‘At the erm, venue and times to be announced shortly on the website.’
‘Si,’ nods Maria-José-Inmaculada-Carmen like she has any fucking clue about it.
I take a beat. This whole interview has been an utter disaster. We need to do it again. Who knows how many people will listen to it. I’d die if anyone I know in England was listening in.
‘Actually, Juniper, I’m so sorry. Can we record all of this again, please? We’ve come across sounding like a pair of idiots who couldn’t life coach their way out of a paper bag.’
Juniper smiles reassuringly back at me and tilts her head. She takes a long drag on her cigarette and sighs. ‘Oh, honey, I would… but we’re recordingliveto over four-hundred thousand loyal listeners worldwide.’ She studies the monitor in front of her. ‘Actually, we’re just over the half-million mark today. But we’re used to hearing all kinds of idiots on this show, aren’t we listeners?’
Juniper clucks huskily into the microphone and after a few more awkward questions, the interview draws to a close. ‘Thanks again for your company today and thanks to our rather… entertaining guests, Nell Weston and Maria-José-Inma… our two life coach experts.’
Deep breaths.
Deep breaths.
Chapter 12
Wereturntotheoffice in stunned silence. I feel my insides wind tight, accompanied by the familiar sinking of my mood. I owe it to myself and Nidi to stop carrying on like a bellend and to come clean, otherwise, I’ll end up bursting a main artery or hurlingmyselfoff a roof at this rate. But if I do confess, she’s bound to sack me straight away and I’ll be reduced to giving back massages to hairy men or selling mojitos on the beach for one euro an hour. Besides, it’s too late. The interview has reached hundreds of thousands of listeners. They are all expecting to come and hear me share the secret to romantic and business success.
Maria-José-Inmaculada-Carmen flees to her desk and grabs the phone to speak animatedly with whoever is on the other end. Her mother, judging by the numerous times she says the word ‘madre’. I flop down onto the sofa in the office Nidi has generously given me to work from. She pops her head around the door.
‘How was the interview?’ she asks, tilting her head to the right. She’s even cocking her left eyebrow, which I’m pretty certain she said means, ‘I’m genuinely interested’.