Clear your mind, Nell. You can do this.
A feeling of calm and quiet that I haven’t felt for quite some time, possibly even years, washes over me. I breathe in the scent of the huge bunches of lavender arranged around the bed next to the crystals and drift off into a deep sleep.
Chapter 7
Thenextdaybeforesunrise, we are all woken for some Vinyasa Flow yoga by the familiar wailing and dinging of a gong. According to our notes, when we hear this, we must silently rise, don our robes and make our way along to the Serenity Fountain for some ‘Dawn Bathing’. We will become one with our bodies before we present ourselves to the day.
‘Deep breaths. Hold for three… four, five and… gently release into Lion’s breath,’ Endless Cloud is whispering to the already assembled group who appear to be standing on one leg, the other bent at the knee, arms above their heads. I slip into the group unnoticed under the cover of darkness. Or I would have done if it wasn’t for my terrible balance. As the group embark on a series of stretches, legs akimbo leaning forward to grab the toes, Endless Cloud wafts over to lean on my back with a pointy elbow to get me closer to my feet. Unfortunately, it is starting to get light, and it feels like I’m being mounted by a ghost with cobwebby hair and saucepan eyes.
Next, a Cow Pose on all fours. This time I’m left to my own devices but I’m acutely aware that my bottom is within sniffing distance of Oliver who, the dawn light reveals, is immediately behind me.
Typical.
I can’t help feeling self-conscious and after a series of embarrassing positions, with me far too stiff to do them, I slide my eyes over to see Oliver very comfortably assuming the Half Moon. Endless Cloud is keen to administer praise and openly flirts with him. Whereas I am impatiently sighed at every two minutes for getting everything catastrophically wrong. Endless Cloud pairs me with Oliver to see if I can fare any better.
Mortifying.
He instructs Oliver to put his knees into my back, pulling at my arms to open up my chest. He warns the group against the evils of pent-up bitterness and points directly at me.
Thankfully the group are all trying to avoid looking at me to spare me any further embarrassment.
Then there’s something that seems very like we’re in the missionary position, so Oliver and I both feel the need to keep mouthing apologies as we look awkwardly at each other amid the eerie silence. A gentle ding rings out to indicate a change of position. Endless Cloud comes over to shove his shoulder into the back of my thigh, and then tells Oliver to do the same. With his big, firm hands round my waist, me on all fours, him pulling me back, me stretching out my hands to reach an unknown mystical force, then him flipping me over. I get the distinct impression that this is not yoga, this is definitely tantric sex.
‘Shanti, shanti, shanti,’ croons Endless Cloud melodiously as he drifts from couple to couple. The sweat is literally pouring off me but everyone else is gliding serenely about, this way and that. Next, we take turns lying down, Oliver between my legs an inch from my crotch, face up thankfully, his head cradled in my hands as I knead him like a loaf of bread. I keep getting wafts of his man scent which is very woody, clean-smelling and quite intoxicating.
Just as I think I’ve probably bathed in enough Dawn, we find ourselves flat on our backs buzzing gently to ourselves during Bees Breath, gradually getting louder until we are instructed to take our thumbs out of our ears and, just to rid the group of any last vestiges of dignity, we get back into our couples. Oliver and I find ourselves shyly reuniting to engage in what very much feels like doggy style, Reverse Cowgirl, and to finish off, the Butter Churner.
Never again. This is the last retreat I’ll ever go on. I really feel I’ve been mis-sold the experience.
Finally, we sit back in our circle to take the opportunity to be in the moment, listening to our breath, our bodies limp, all the tension in our shoulders and lives draining away.
It’s an enormous relief when it’s all over. Like me, Oliver seems mega-embarrassed.
‘Peace out,’ whispers Endless cloud loudly enough for us all to hear. He bows, hands in prayer.
‘Peace out,’ we all say in response, mirroring his action.
Everyone turns to look at me with shocked expressions. Endless Cloud gives me a sad, disappointed look and floats off. Oliver leans over to me. ‘Seriously?’
I have no idea what he means.
He shakes his head. ‘You just told him to peace off.’
Oh God. I can’t do this. I simply can’t do it.
Thankfully, I’m pulled away to pursue no one’s favourite activity of Tear Seeking which, I’m appalled to find out, is some form of communal crying.
The small group sit crossed-legged and before I can turn to leave, Gandalf gently puts his hands on my shoulders and pushes me down to join them. Thank God Oliver is off elsewhere doing some Whispering Fingers thing as part of his Happy Bunny experience. Tear Seeking is the most hideous thing I’ve ever encountered, yet within minutes, I’m sobbing along with the rest of them, and Gandalf is rubbing light circles on my back to encourage me to let it all out.
‘What are you afraid of?’ Gandalf asks me, taking my palm and running his bony finger down the lines as though the answer is hidden somewhere in my veins.
‘Nothing.’
I’m a warrior. I fear nothing.
‘Look deeper. Into your soul.’
Christ Almighty.
