Jake’s laugh is a harsh sound, landing in the space between us as he shakes his head like the mere suggestion is utterly ridiculous.
“I’m not a goddamn junky, Tessa. I have things under control.”
“Do you? What if you hadn’t passed out on your side the night we found you half-frozen in your truck? What if you’d fallen asleep on your back instead and ended up choking on your own vomit? I’m not being dramatic, Jake. You could’ve died. I love you, you stubborn, insensitive asshat. Don’t you know I wouldn’t be able to go on without you?”
That seems to wipe the indignant look off his face, for he briefly closes his eyes before addressing me with a little more warmth to his voice.
“Look, baby. I know I overdid it a smidge that night.”
“A smidge?” I screech, giving him an incredulous look.
“Alright. Alright,” he placates, holding his hands up in defense. “I most definitely took it too far. I was being reckless, and I lost count of what I’d taken. Trust me, I felt like a bag of dicks for days, and I’ve learned my lesson. I’m sorry you had to see me like that, and I’m even more sorry I scared you. But you have got to trust me a little. You guys can’t take shifts watching me twenty-four-seven. Please, don’t treat me like I’m some imbecile who doesn’t possess a lick of common sense. It’s offensive and, honestly, a little hurtful.”
“Fair enough,” I mutter, glancing at him from the corner of my eye. The sun is just beginning to set, turning the sky into a canvas of pinks and reds. The last remaining rays hit the windshield just right, making him look almost otherworldly in his perfection. He flashes me that dimpled smile he knows Ican’t resist, and I immediately soften. The way he has me eating out of the palm of his hand is infuriating.
“I want to trust you,” I tell him, begging with my eyes for him to believe me. “It’s just not always easy, you know? I’m not blind. I see the way girls look at you like they’re just waiting for me to get out of the picture so they can pounce and take my place. And the more you drink, the more you seem to entertain them. And then there’s Jessica.”
Jake releases a tortured groan, tilting his head back and staring at the roof like he might find some much-needed patience there.
“Christ Almighty, Teresa. Are we really back to this again?”
And just like that, my anger returns tenfold. How dare he belittle my feelings and act like I don’t have a leg to stand on?
“Yes, Jake. As a matter of fact, we are. Because you’ve just asked me to put my trust in you, and I’m trying to explain why I’m having such a hard time doing that. I’ve watched her circling you, manipulating you time and time again, and when you’re on something, and she’s sniffing around you like a bitch in heat, it’s really hard for me to trust in your ability to make smart choices.” I have to press my hands into my lap to keep them from shaking; I’m that riled up.
Judging by the fires blazing in Jake’s eyes, I already know I won’t like what’s about to come out of his mouth next.
“For the last time, I’m not going to fuck Jessica Cartwright,” he roars with a hard punch to the center of the steering wheel. The ensuing honk is so unexpected that I almost jump out of my skin.
“I’m fucking sick of this. For a minute there, I actually considered giving Ted a call to let him know I’m not coming, but I’m over it now. I think it’s best if I take you home and go on my own.”
“Are you serious right now?”
“As a fucking heart attack,” he shoots back, not skipping a beat. At that moment, I ask myself if I even truly know the boy sitting across from me anymore.
“I’m so tired of constantly having to defend myself. It doesn’t matter how hard I try; you’ll always assume the worst. I told Ted I’d be there by nine, and I don’t like keeping people waiting. So, if you were only tagging along to make sure I don’t trip and accidentally end up with my dick up Jessica’s pussy, I think it’d be best if you sit this one out.”
“So that’s it? I’m being open and honest about my fears and your solution to the problem is to send me on my merry way and go do your own thing?”
“I didn’t want to do my own thing. What I wanted was to have a good time with my girl, celebrating my buddy’s special day. But it’s become glaringly obvious we won’t be having any fun tonight, so yeah, I think it’s best we take a break from each other and talk about this once we’ve both had some time to calm down.”
“Fine. If that’s what you want, by all means. Please, take me home. I wouldn’t want to be a drag on your ride to Funville. Just don’t expect me to be happy to see you tomorrow.”
“Goddamnit, Tessa,” he growls, turning over the ignition and revving the engine before slamming the truck into reverse. “Way to ruin what could’ve been a perfect evening. I’m so sick of fighting over something I haven’t even done yet.”
“Did you just say yet?” I ask, sniffing back the angry tears begging to be released. “Well, tonight might just be your lucky night. Just suck back a few beers, snort a couple of lines, and tell Jessica we’re on the outs. Maybe, come morning, we’ll have a real reason to fight.”
“Do you even hear yourself?” he asks, tearing down Main Street so fast it’s pretty clear he can’t wait to be rid of me. “How many times do I have to tell you I’m not interested in her? I love you, and only you. Are you ever going to get that through your thick skull?”
“If you loved me so much, you wouldn’t be discarding me like a dirty pair of underwear. You would’ve stuck to our original plan and spent the night makinglove to me instead of wasting your time picking a fight. But I don’t see you doing that, so where does that leave us?”
“You’re un-fucking-believable, you know that?” His jaw is ticking by the time he pulls into my street. I could say a lot more, but I force myself to keep my mouth shut. I’d only be wasting my breath at this point. Jake isn’t going to take my concerns seriously, and I’ll never be okay watching him indulge in self-destructive behaviors.
Maybe we are doomed. Believing our relationship is strong enough to withstand four years of distance when it already feels like we’re miles apart while sitting in the same vehicle is the definition of madness. Maybe we should call it quits now while we still have genuine affection for each other before our love turns into something ugly and our friendship is beyond salvageable. Then why does the mere thought of losing him make me feel physically ill? Like I’m being torn apart from the inside? Why does the thought of him driving away tonight rob me of the ability to breathe?
I can’t seem to shake the bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. Some unknown emotion is screaming for me to fix this. To not let him leave my side angry. But Jake pulls into my driveway, shoving the gearshift into park with more force than necessary before he sits back. His icy silence chills the truck’s interior by several degrees, and he’s white-knuckling the steering wheel so hard the leather creaks. I stare a hole into the side of his head, wordlessly begging him to meet my eye. He doesn’t.
“Well, have fun, I guess,” I clip, unbuckling my seatbelt before throwing the door wide. I slide to the ground slowly, giving him a chance to speak up. To change his mind and pick me over his friends. To choose our love over a fun time.
