That he thinks I’d kiss him out of pity is so laughable I can’t help but snort. Once I sober, I wait for him to look at me before I tell him earnestly, “You couldn’t be more wrong. I want this, Jake. Have wanted this for a very long time now. You can’t honestly tell me you haven’t noticed how I feel about you. How much you mean to me? Let me take your mind off things for a little while,” I plead, willing him to take the comfort he so desperately needs. My heart skips a beat when I catch a mirroring flash of longing in his eyes. Then, all that’s left for me to do is sit and wait for him to make his choice.
Nine
Jake
I’m going to pass out. I don’t know how many times I’ve dreamed about this moment—imagining myself in this very position. Pretty sure I even prayed for it a time or two. And now, the girl I’ve pined after for as long as I can remember is offering me her love, begging me to kiss her, and it feels all wrong.
I’m too emotional. Too messed up. Definitely not in the right frame of mind to be making life-altering decisions. But as I stare into her beseeching brown eyes, I can’t ignore the pull between us. I want her so damn badly. My body runs on autopilot when I lean in and close the distance between us. Fire erupts in my chest, and all the air gets sucked from my lungs as the taste of her overwhelms my senses.
A soft sound escapes her, and I greedily drink it down. Everything is amplified. Her unique scent. Her smooth skin. The breathy, little noises that drive me mad and let me know she’s as affected by the intensity of our connection as I am. For the first time since receiving the news about my mother’s accident, hope sparks in my chest.
I deepen the kiss, taking a moment to savor it before I run my tongue over the seam of her lips, asking permission to take things further. A full-body shudderrolls through her before she gives in and allows me access. I tangle my fingers in her hair, tilting her head back, and finally kiss her the way I’ve always dreamed of. This isn’t my first rodeo. I’ve had several hot make-out sessions that left me panting and craving more. But nothing compares to this. This level of need is something I’ve never felt before. It’s raw and all-consuming, making me want to throw caution to the wind and take what I’ve been denying myself for so long. Tessa seems to be on the same wavelength, because she grows more demanding, pressing her hands to my chest and chasing my tongue whenever I retreat. She breaks away just long enough to shrug her cardigan off her shoulders, and that’s when reality comes crashing back.
“We should stop,” I croak, stilling her hands before she can shed another piece of clothing. My eyes drop to her mouth, and I watch her sink her teeth into the pillow of her lush bottom lip. The uncertainty in her gaze somehow only makes me want her more.
“Please don’t push me away. I want this. I want my first time to be with someone I trust. Someone I’m comfortable with. You’ve slept with other girls without giving it a second thought, so why not me?” She looks so stricken that I have to swallow past the lump of emotion sitting at the base of my throat before I can form an answer.
“Because it’s different with you. I didn’t give a flying fuck about the other girls. You’re one of my best friends. What if things don’t work out? What if I fuck this up? I don’t want to hurt or disappoint you. I need you too much, especially now.”
The raw honesty behind my words seems to surprise her. Surely, she knows how much her friendship means to me. If she doesn’t, I’ve done a poor job of showing her just how special she is to me.
“Do you want me?”
I give a disbelieving snort. “Are you kidding me? Have you looked at yourself? You’re sexy as hell, Tessa. Every guy at school wants you.”
“I don’t care about them. I’m asking ifyouwant me, Jake.”
I shake my head slowly and blow out a frustrated breath while I mull my answer over. When I think I’m able to put my thoughts into words, I make sure she meets my eye before saying, “I’ve wanted you for years. You don’t know how many times I thought about doing this. But I never gave in to the impulse because I didn’t want to mess things up between us. I still don’t. You’re too important to me.”
Tessa cups my face and searches my gaze, reaching to the depths of my soul.
“Who says things have to go wrong? Have you ever stopped to consider that we might just be good together? That this is meant to be? I never made a move because I was too scared to go after what I wanted. But I see now you’re worth taking every risk for. Life is too short to hold back, and I’m tired of being afraid.”
“Then you’re braver than I am,” I mutter, averting my eyes to avoid the disappointment in hers. But Tessa doesn’t let me hide. She’s always been able to look past all my bluster—all the bullshit—and see the real person beneath.
Lifting my chin with the tip of her index finger, she stares at me and says in a breathless whisper. “Then I’ll just have to be brave enough for the both of us.” She doesn’t give me time to object before she leans in and presses a soft kiss to the corner of my mouth. “I know you. I see you. And I love you exactly the way that you are. I know you won’t fuck this up because I know you care about me. You might not always be the most sensitive guy in the room, but you are thoughtful and kind. The fact that you’ve been putting your own grief on hold to be there for your siblings proves that. It’s clear to see that you want what I’m offering. So, stop thinking about the what-ifs, and don’t worry about tomorrow. I’m asking you, at this moment—right here, right now—what do you need?” We stare at each other for several heart-stopping moments before I release a shaky breath.
“You. I think … Fuck, I just don’t know.” Frustrated, I wrap my hands around her wrists to keep her from reaching for me again. I can’t think when she’s touching me, and I need to get this out. “Do I want you? Fuck yes, I do. That’s not the issue. But is this the right time to start a relationship? I just don’t want to do something you might regret come morning. I’m a damn mess right now, and I know you. You see me struggling and feel compelled to fix things for me, and I love you for that. But this is your first time, and I don’t want us to rush into something while our emotions are all over the place.”
Tessa growls out her frustration, and for a long, tension-filled moment, neither of us speaks. I’m beginning to think it’s probably best for me to leave when she sucks in a determined breath and lifts her chin.
“I know it’s not fair to pressure you at a time like this, so I’m going to make this easy. I want to be with you, Jake. I decided a long time ago that I want you to be my first and nothing and no one will sway me. The reason I’m still a virgin is that I don’t want a meaningless encounter with someone I don’t care about. I was waiting for you to notice me.”
My eyebrows rise of their own accord, and I can’t hide my surprise. Up until a few minutes ago, I hadn’t realized that she saw me as anything more than a friend, let alone that her feelings ran so deep that she would save herself for me. And even though I’m beyond flattered, my hesitation persists.
First of all, way to put the pressure on. I’m in no condition to offer anyone a special experience right now, and Tessa deserves someone to pull out all the stops. Secondly, I’ve seen firsthand how fast things can turn sour between two people who claim to love each other, and I don’t want that for us. There are no guarantees in life. But if I’m not able to make it work with Tessa—my best fucking friend in the world—I might as well join a damn monastery. There’s no one who understands me better. No one I trust more.
“I want you to be sure before you decide whether you want to be in a committed relationship,” she continues when I can only stare at her in stunned silence. “I need you to think clearly when you make that choice, and I’m well aware you have other things on your mind right now. But one thing that will never change is who I choose to give myself to, so there’s really no time like the present. You’re hurting, and I can’t stand to see you in pain. There’s nothing I can say that will make things better. But what I can offer is to take your mind off things, if only for a little while. What I can give you is physical comfort. Solet me love you. If you decide a couple of weeks from now that a relationship is not what you want, I promise I won’t hold it against you.”
Damn. How can I refuse an offer like that? I’ve been lusting after Tessa for years, and I only have so much willpower. I’m a teenage boy. A ball of raging hormones. I’m surprised I’ve managed to hold back this long. But I know her too well. Once we take this next step, there’s no going back. She’s the type of girl who loves without reservation. If I take her virginity and then go on to tell her I don’t want to be in a committed relationship, it will hurt her and possibly end our friendship forever. I could lose her, and that scares the hell out of me. I take one last look into her hopeful amber eyes and decide I don’t really give a shit. Tessa is right. Life is too short to waste opportunities. It can all be over in the blink of an eye, and I don’t plan on dying with regrets.
Tessa’s eyes flash with excitement as she pin-points the exact moment I give in. A sly, victorious smile plays around her kiss-swollen lips, and she all but lunges for me. I catch her with a breathless chuckle and claim her mouth as my heart starts up a frantic beat. I twist, rolling her underneath me to cover her with my body as I stare down at her in wonder.
“Are you absolutely sure about this? We don’t have to go all the way, and you can change your mind at any time. I promise I won’t be mad.”
“I’m sure,” she replies in a tone that leaves little room for doubt. “I won’t regret this, Jake. Trust me.”
“Where are your parents?” I have the presence of mind to ask while I reach for my wallet with a trembling hand. Safety first and all that.