“So am I.”
It seemed for a moment like Alexei would leave it at that incredibly uninformative response, but then he murmured, “Sascha was certain you’re turning over a new leaf.”
Ivan scoffed. “I’m not sure I’d put it that way.”
It wasn’t as if he was suddenly a better person than before. He was still just as selfish and controlling as his brothers had always believed him to be, at least by their standards.
He simply had a different…focus now.
Alexei leaned back against one of the booths, crossing his massive arms. Ivan had no idea where his brother’s larger build had come from. Somewhere way back in the family line, perhaps. “I’ve never seen you look that way. The way you did when your demon disappeared.”
Of course he would go right to the heart of it. Ivan contained his wince as a stab of pain ran through his chest at the reminder, right over the spot where Nix’s soul connection now lay.
“And how did I look?” he managed to ask.
“Devastated,” Alexei said simply. “Like a piece of you had been ripped out.” He glanced away, toward Nix and Jay. “You didn’t even look like that when Mom died.”
Of course Ivan hadn’t. He would have been punished severely for it by their father—for showing any signs of mourning for the one who’d attempted to betray him. The one who’d wanted to take his sons away.
And Ivan’s mother hadn’t wanted him, anyway.
But Ivan didn’t feel up to hashing out any of the old arguments. He was past caring that Alexei believed him to be made of ice. It wasn’t like it was his brothers who’d managed to thaw him in the end.
That had been all Nix.
Ivan rose from his crouch, making a mental note that the entire restaurant would need to be recarpeted. “And when do you flee back to Colorado?”
Alexei sighed, like Ivan was being difficult. “We’re willing to stay for a bit. To help…rearrange things.” He narrowed his eyes, a familiar look of suspicion taking over his rugged features. “Are you really going legitimate?”
“I’m considering. But it’ll be a slow process.” Ivan gave Alexei a pointed look. “It’s not as easy as pressing a button.”
“Of course not.”
And that could be it. Ivan could leave it at that, and it would be the most civil conversation they’d had in years.
But the words were out of his mouth before he knew it. “But it was easy for you, wasn’t it? Easy to leave.” He turned his back as soon as he’d asked the question, hating how weak it made him sound. He was aware that for all their hushed conversation, Jay and Nix were surely listening in on the reunion. Still, he couldn’t help adding, “Whywas it so easy for you, Alyosha?”
Ivan had never understood it. They had both had the same upbringing, the same punishments for any misstep. There had been small differences in expectation—for Ivan to lead and Alexei to follow. But they’d taken, more or less, the same immense damage from their bastard of a father.
And yet Alexei had walked away.
Ivan could feel the weight of Alexei’s stare, and it was a long moment before he answered, but when he did, the words were firm. “Because it was killing me, Vanya.”
Ivan scoffed. “Mafia life so tough?”
Alexei let out a frustrated growl. “Maybe it was killing me to watch you become him,” he snarled. “But also, yes. Itwasfucking tough. I hated it. We’re allowed to hate it.”
Of course they were allowed to fucking hate it. But Ivan had been so sure they weren’t allowed to leave. That it would be sentencing them all to death to do so.
And Alexei hadn’t fucking cared.
So why wasIvanthe selfish one?
He forced himself to breathe. To focus on what they were saying and not the endless spirals of bitterness he was always sinking into around his brother. “You thought I was becoming him?”
“Weren’t you?”
Ivan didn’t know. In his mind, he’d been worlds away from the brutal psychopathy of their father. But maybe their father had alsothought he was being reasonable, when he’d acted the way he had. That he was more measured than the mobsters who’d come before him.
