“I’ll go first, as I can already see some squirming in seats.” A few chuckles bounced around the small group of staff. “Yes, I know it’s perhaps a different environment from what many of you are used to, but I promise no hard questions and no pressure. At the end of the day, we’re here to support players who have a solid future going pro.Youare the people with years’ worth of experience. You know the highs and lows. We know they’re here for the athletic program, the court time, to have the opportunity to play with past and current greats,” he said, stroking a few egos while also speaking the truth.
He was right, though. It was the main reason we were here.
“But as you know, part of their time here is about developing skills off the court, arming impressionable young players with the skills necessary to not get lost in the League, its pressures, the demands it expects from you, especially in their private and personal lives. This is my fourth year of helping with the program,” Mark continued, “and I keep coming back because I see the difference the program makes, see how impactful your support is, especially when you can offer your wisdom and share your experiences of staying grounded. Being real and not losing sight of the world around you or your futures.”
He glanced around as he spoke, his tone friendly, calm. Those same bright eyes he’d greeted Jayden with stared back at us all. The guy appeared genuine and passionate, so much so, it cut through some of my nervous brain fog.
“As you already know, this year we’ve been approved to build in LGBTQ+ awareness. Since joining the team, I’ve fought for this and have had several successful years running similar programs and sessions. As a gay man, I have a vested interest in it. The aim is to expand awareness and understanding of sexual orientation, gender identity, and gender expression. With more and more athletes feeling safe enough to come out in sports that have a history of toxicity, we want to celebrate those moments while helping to change reactions, build acceptance, and honestly, cut through the toxic bullshit surrounding queer players.”
The heavy thudding in my chest ached, the noise so loud it filled my ears.Thiswas why we were here. It was what we agreed to. Blood rushed to my cheeks. Heat zipped across my skin, making a path to my hands, which started to sweat like crazy.
I was a fraud.
I’d thought it before and admitted as much to Jayden. He’d managed to talk me down. But here, now, it felt wrong, so fucking wrong that my head spun and I could barely see straight.
Heedless of the torrent of heat and loathing storming my body, Mark continued speaking, and I tried my hardest to listen. “While some of the awareness opportunities will be built into sessions like these with yourselves and the students, the aim is for you to be your authentic selves while you’re here, building trusting relationships with the players. There’s no prescriptive text about how you do that, what to say and do. That’s not what this is about. It’s more that you step in if you hear or see anything derogatory. You open up and respond to discussions in a way you feel comfortable.”
“This year, yes, we have familiar faces as well as new ones, but you were all invited specifically to assist in raising LGBTQ+ awareness, something I’m so happy and excited to have you all on board for. Very quickly, and then I promise I’ll stop droning on and we’ll do a quick share…” Mark gave a self-deprecating chuckle.
The gesture drew my attention enough for me to take a breath.Authentic self. My mind played over those words. That was the problem right there. I thought I had been precisely that, always. I just wasn’t sure what that looked like anymore.
With clarity came a much-needed calm.
I knew the problem, could verbalize it and analyze it to death. That also meant I could plan and problem solve and get some answers. I needed to know myself. Be sure I was the same person I had been before my heart had shifted and dick had woken up to just how hot my friend was and how perfect he was for me.
I wiped my hands on my shorts, popped my neck, and full-on stared at the man at my side. Not giving a damn that we were in the middle of a group session.Him,I was sure of.
At my movement, his concerned gaze turned my way, traveling over my face, reading me. A genuine smile pulled at my lips, and I reached over, took his hand, and brought it to my mouth, kissing it before settling our joined palms on my lap.
Wide-eyed and smiling, Jayden maintained eye contact longer than was appropriate, but I didn’t give a shit. When a throat clearing and chuckles broke my focus, I dragged my attention away and peered around the group.
All eyes were on us. Friendly, amused, accepting.
I gave a sheepish grin. “Sorry. I got distracted.”
Mark’s lips twitched. “Understandable.” I narrowed my gaze at him, and he snorted out a laugh. “I mean, understandable. You’re newly out, being able to touch each other in public for the first time. It’sunderstandablethat you’re taking the opportunity to do that whenever you can.”
I gave a light shrug and a nod. Not quite an apology for thinking he was hitting on Jayden, but rather an acceptance of his words.
“Perhaps one of you can start us off with my original question. Why did you agree to join the program this year?”
While I’d known it was coming, my brain was still caught on my own epiphany. Was that something I could share here… in this group?
Jayden saved me from being the one to start, saying, “Honestly, being asked was unexpected. But it felt good, you know, especially considering the focus on me and Sutton.” He squeezed my hand and cast me a small smile. His voice remained steady. “I thought it would be a chance to get away from the media attention,” he admitted, receiving several nods, “and being here, with players, especially those who will be drafted over the next few years, it’s a chance to, I don’t know, dispel myths or something?”
My heart leaped at his explanation, filling with love and pounding hard at how incredible and articulate he was. The man tended to play the jock card and had disparaged his own intelligence on more than one occasion. It was all nonsense. He was one of the smartest people I knew. Smarts didn’t always come in packages of super-high IQs or the highest grades. But he read and understood people. Could figure out what someone needed.
He always described me being the carer, the man who had his back. While I absolutely did, he gave it all back twofold.
“I thought it would be a good opportunity for the two of us.” He cast another glance my way, gaze darting over my face. I gave his hand a squeeze, silently letting him know he was doing great. Turning his attention back to the group, he said, “Being together in public is new for us. We’ve got a lot to figure out. Then there’s the team and playing together next season… so yeah, things to work out.” He followed with a shrug, indicating he’d finished.
“That’s great, Jayden. Thanks for sharing that. You all have different experiences in the spotlight, and with this new focus on you, not only being in a same-sex relationship but also teammates, it will undoubtedly take some navigating.” Mark’s smile was friendly. “And starting here to do that is a positive idea.” His attention moved to me. “How about you, Sutton?”
I cleared my throat, projecting a calm that wasn’t quite a lie. “You mentioned earlier about being our authentic selves.” Nerves danced in my chest, threatening to catch in my throat. I focused on Jayden’s hand in mine, energy, and support. I swallowed down the forming lump. I could do this. “Being here allows me to explore who I am. Maybe doing so openly with these younger guys witnessing that will give them insight into just one version of what that looks like. That even a guy of thirty-three doesn’t have all the answers off the court, and that discovering things about yourself that perhaps you’d never even considered doesn’t have to be terrifying.”
I avoided moving in the intensity of the quiet room.
“Each of our experiences and situations are unique,” Mark responded, his gaze flicking to me before darting around the rest of the group, seeking out eye contact. “It’s so invaluable, sharing that with each other, especially in an arena where perhaps you’re expected to keep everything bottled in. And,” he continued, his focus returning to me, “new experiences, reactions, our thoughts can be terrifying and confusing. And that’s okay too. It’s recognizing that our strength comes in so many shapes and sizes. That there’s no set rule about how to react to our own discoveries and journeys.” Mark smiled. “Thanks for sharing, Sutton. It’s really brilliant you’re here.”
